Boy, do I have a lot to fill all my faithful followers in on.
Last time I posted, I was in a quandry with E. Well this was suddenly solved that night when he called me at 1am and voiced that he doesn't want to keep me from my ultimate dream of becoming a mother. Still, over 10 days later, it's still a touchy subject to talk about. It still makes me sad. He also said that night that as much as we like each other, he doesn't think we are compatible, because of our difference in wanting or not wanting babies. So, we ended it. I like to say "ended it" because it doesn't sound as harsh as "we broke up". But either way, it's painful, despite only being together for a short amount of time.
I had cut earlier that evening. I think my anxiety and depression got the best of me. I was anxious because I always NEED answers. And I didn't have any answers from him for several hours. I was alone, again, with my thoughts. The recent depression didn't help the situation either. As you know, I have been just miserable lately. The eating disorder had been out of control and I was just spiraling downhill in alot of ways; my grades were dropping, my eating was in shambles, and I just felt so lonely.
After a few hours of crying and horrible, self-setructive thoughts post-conversation with E at 1am, I went to sleep. I woke up early to take a stupid timed-writing final for my English class. Yes, I was surprised I actually made it too. I was in no state to take a final, let alone drive. I was literally a hot mess.
I came back from the final around lunch time. (Note: No food had been consumed for 2 days), but I was too depressed to even think about eating. The self-hatred thoughts still were overwhelming my mind to a scary, uncontained, extreme point. I knew what I should do, call for help. But there was a constant battle in my mind whether I should "give in" and call, or "just do it already" (you know what I mean).
It might not have felt like it at the moment, but God was with me...I called Canopy Cove.
Within an hour, Amanda came to my apartment and got me. I was having to call Danielle every 10 minutes so she would know I was okay. Finally, I thought, maybe there's hope I won't feel like this forever. Knowing someone was on their way to help me relieved my mind and soul.
So that Thursday marked my stay in Residential. I was there for 5 days, and although that seems like a very short amount of time, it was well spent and necessary. It got me back on track with a meal plan and it helped rid my suicidal thoughts. The first few days I could not stop crying. Crying because of E. Crying because of the food. Crying because of my weakness for making such a regression. Crying because it's the holidays. Crying because of everything.
But I was luckily surrounded by loving and supportive staff and clients who eased me through it, like they always do and always will.
I was discharged a week ago today becasue my cousin Molly came to Tallahassee to visit me. I am so blessed that she came to see me. She stayed until Friday and although I had to go to Canopy Cove everyday she was here from 8am-2pm, she remained supportive and there for me. We had such an excellent time. She made me laugh until I almost peed my pants. We met some pretty interesting folks! And eating with her went smoother than expected.
I always like to take note of how "non-eating disordered people" eat. Have you ever done that? they eat so naturally. They eat what they want. When they want. How they want to. When her and I went to the grocery store she didn't even look at calories or the label, she just picked out what looked good. Perhaps I'll eat like her someday.
She left Friday. Friday night was difficult. I no longer had anymore accountability. Luckily, I was asked to come to Canopy Cove Residential on Saturday (Christmas Eve) and Sunday (Christmas). Saturday was actually pretty fun. We went to Walmart and picked up some knitting necessities and then went to a movie with Karen, in an actual theater! Sunday morning I got to Skype with my Mom, Sister, her husband, and my 2 nephews. It made my Christmas so much better. For a second I actually felt like I was back home; where I craved so badly to be for Christmas. As stressful as it is being home, all I really wanted for Christmas was a big hug from my family. Maybe next year. After that, I went to Canopy Cove again and spent the entire day there. We watched Christmas movies and opened gifts from the staff and our Secret Santa. We also were able to cook our own Christmas dinner with Ashlee.
I'm working all this week from 8:30am-5:30pm at the preschool. Danielle wants me to come in to Canopy Cove Residential from 6-9pm everyday this week. Boy, will it be a busy week. I'm sure I'll be exhausted. But I feel alot of pressure being taken off from me because I won't have to stress so much over the eating part. I don't have a choice when I'm in program: I have to eat there. And even though there won't be any individual sessions after 6pm, it will still be beneficial to be around supportive people, especially with meals. We all know night time is my time of destruction.
All in all, I'm doing much better now. I'm no longer having those awful suicidal thoughts. My eating disorder thoughts have drastically declined. Although, they still occasionally have their way with me. Thoughts of cutting still pop up once in a while, but since that Wednesday night, none of those thoughts have worked.
I'm hoping all of you had the holiday season that you wished for. This is late, but just remember the real thing we are celebrating: the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Without Him, where would you be in your life journey? It's a deep question to think about, but one we should always try to have in the back of our minds. I know I wouldn't be here today. Too many times, I was saved by His greatness and love.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Alone in a Room Full of People
I'm sitting here at Starbucks, like always. It's better that I'm here, around people, than alone at home. I can't handle being home all by myself right now. Alone with my destructive thoughts is not a good idea. I've been having really awful thoughts lately. I wouldn't say suicidal thoughts, just self-harm thoughts. Yesterday and today my urges to self harm have been out the roof. Pretty much the only thing that is keeping me from doing it is how when E saw my scars on my wrist he said if I ever did it again he would be mad. And having ANYONE be mad at me is not okay.
My eating has not been okay either. On Monday I went into Canopy Cove and had a productive session with Ashlee. She gave me a new yellow card with a brand new meal plan on it. It's not as much as my body requires, but she said that it's better than what my current eating pattern looks like. I feel like its a huge set back. Isn't the ultimate goal to be off a meal plan? I was doing okay with eating what I felt like, but I know lately everything is messed up.
Recovery is hard work. I don't care what anyone says. It's by far the hardest thing I have ever been through. I want recovery, ultimately. But I don't want it this very minute. I want to shrivel up with just me and my security blanket of anorexia and be alone. I'm just so unmotivated.
I've heard multiple times that what it takes for someone to come out of an eating disorder, is for the person to replace the eating disorder with something just as sufficient and supplying as the eating disorder was. Whether that be God, a new love interest, a passion, etc... SO WHERE'S MY REPLACEMENT??!! Or how do I go find one? I'm sure it's not that simple, as substituting something for an eating disorder, but I'd like to think it's possible.
I'm supposed to go to Georgia to visit the boyfriend this Saturday. We'll see if that happens. He's been giving me the cold shoulder lately. I talked to him the other day about it and he said he likes me alot but he doesn't want to keep me from being a mother. Which I guess is mature and nice of him. I think deep down I'm just hoping that he'll change his mind someday about kids. So in the meantime, what do I do? Continue dating someone that never wants babies? Or end things before my heart gets too invested?
My eating has not been okay either. On Monday I went into Canopy Cove and had a productive session with Ashlee. She gave me a new yellow card with a brand new meal plan on it. It's not as much as my body requires, but she said that it's better than what my current eating pattern looks like. I feel like its a huge set back. Isn't the ultimate goal to be off a meal plan? I was doing okay with eating what I felt like, but I know lately everything is messed up.
Recovery is hard work. I don't care what anyone says. It's by far the hardest thing I have ever been through. I want recovery, ultimately. But I don't want it this very minute. I want to shrivel up with just me and my security blanket of anorexia and be alone. I'm just so unmotivated.
I've heard multiple times that what it takes for someone to come out of an eating disorder, is for the person to replace the eating disorder with something just as sufficient and supplying as the eating disorder was. Whether that be God, a new love interest, a passion, etc... SO WHERE'S MY REPLACEMENT??!! Or how do I go find one? I'm sure it's not that simple, as substituting something for an eating disorder, but I'd like to think it's possible.
I'm supposed to go to Georgia to visit the boyfriend this Saturday. We'll see if that happens. He's been giving me the cold shoulder lately. I talked to him the other day about it and he said he likes me alot but he doesn't want to keep me from being a mother. Which I guess is mature and nice of him. I think deep down I'm just hoping that he'll change his mind someday about kids. So in the meantime, what do I do? Continue dating someone that never wants babies? Or end things before my heart gets too invested?
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Baby Love
There was an addition to my saddness and disappointment last night.
My mood has continuously been blah, so I was looking forward to Skyping with E last night. It is pretty much the highlight of my day lately. Things were going well and then he told me that he was thinking about kids during the day. Then he told me that during dinner there were 2 obnoxious children being loud and it really annoyed him. Then my day just went flat; he said that he doesn't think he wants children. At all.
Now, at first I didn't think anything of it because I thought Well, maybe he doesn't want kids now, but later on in his life he might. Nope. He said that the longer he waits the less he wants them. He said, "I guess that's kind of a deal breaker, huh?"
Doesn't that sound like he's trying to break up? Yeah, I thought so too. So, of course, I got all emotional and started to cry a little bit. I also shut down completely. I told him I had to go but he said he wanted to hear what I had to say. After a little pushing from him I opened up. We continued to talk and he said he doesn't want to break up. He also said something that absolutely melted my heart. I asked him if he liked me as much as he used to and he goes "I like you more and more each day." Yay!
If you're thinking that I'm overreacting, you're wrong. Why would I want to "waste" time dating someone if there's absolutely no potential that I will marry them, and eventually have babies with them? I told E this, the reason I date (and why most people do) is to filter out who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And if I date someone long term and find out down the road that they don't want children, then it will be even harder to break things off. Makes perfect sense to me.
So, ultimately, we didn't solve the baby argument. I'm hoping that he won't completely disregard the idea of having children. I might ask him too, "If someday we fall deeply in love, what greater gift could you give me than a baby?"
Perhaps this is too serious too soon, but I'd rather know my mates true intentions before my heart gets seriously damaged down the road.
My mood has continuously been blah, so I was looking forward to Skyping with E last night. It is pretty much the highlight of my day lately. Things were going well and then he told me that he was thinking about kids during the day. Then he told me that during dinner there were 2 obnoxious children being loud and it really annoyed him. Then my day just went flat; he said that he doesn't think he wants children. At all.
Now, at first I didn't think anything of it because I thought Well, maybe he doesn't want kids now, but later on in his life he might. Nope. He said that the longer he waits the less he wants them. He said, "I guess that's kind of a deal breaker, huh?"
Doesn't that sound like he's trying to break up? Yeah, I thought so too. So, of course, I got all emotional and started to cry a little bit. I also shut down completely. I told him I had to go but he said he wanted to hear what I had to say. After a little pushing from him I opened up. We continued to talk and he said he doesn't want to break up. He also said something that absolutely melted my heart. I asked him if he liked me as much as he used to and he goes "I like you more and more each day." Yay!
If you're thinking that I'm overreacting, you're wrong. Why would I want to "waste" time dating someone if there's absolutely no potential that I will marry them, and eventually have babies with them? I told E this, the reason I date (and why most people do) is to filter out who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And if I date someone long term and find out down the road that they don't want children, then it will be even harder to break things off. Makes perfect sense to me.
So, ultimately, we didn't solve the baby argument. I'm hoping that he won't completely disregard the idea of having children. I might ask him too, "If someday we fall deeply in love, what greater gift could you give me than a baby?"
Perhaps this is too serious too soon, but I'd rather know my mates true intentions before my heart gets seriously damaged down the road.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
A Lonely Soul
If I had to describe my mood for about the past 2 weeks, it would be sad. Nothing more, nothing less. Not miserable, which is an upgrade from some stages in my life. But I'm just not happy.
Why am I sad?
I wish I could pinpoint why. First of all, winter and Christmas time is always a hard time for me. It's always been the time of year that I have relapsed and ended up back in the hospital. My grandmother died in November of 1996 and my grandpa died in December of 1997. My eating disorder started on December 23, 2003. And my Dad left on January 19, 2003. So winter just sucks.
Now you're probably thinking, just because it has sucked in the past, doesn't mean it has to suck now. And you're right. But that doesn't help. My eating disorder has been rearing it's ugly head into my life alot lately.
I'm genuinely lonely.
And I know I will be lonely for about the next month.
This week is my last week of classes, and then next week we have finals. Next weekend I'm travelling 6 hours up to Georgia to visit the boyfriend from the 17th through the 19th. Then on Monday the 19th, my cousin and one of my best friends is coming to visit me until Friday the 23rd. Sunday is Christmas. Then Tuesday through Friday I will be working all day at the preschool. So, I mean I'll be very busy. Hopefully some of this busy-ness will cure my lonliness.
I saw Dr. Jeter 2 days ago for a session. I told her about my sadness. I also asked if I could come to Canopy Cove on Christmas, just so I will be around other people. Who wants to spend Christmas all alone, locked up in an empty apartment? Not me. Plus, I could use the meal support while there. I'll see if I can go for lunch and snack. And today, my boss at the after school program invited me to her house for dinner on Christmas. She knew I was going to be alone for the holiday.
So, I mean, I have support. I have people. I have family. I have "acquaintances". And I have friends. They just are all elsewhere. Not close enough to easily reach out to. Or maybe they are accessible, I just don't have the motivation to reach out. I'm supposed to be the "recovered one", right? I'm not supposed to still have struggles or issues! I've been in freaking treatment for long enough. Geez. I feel like I'm supposed to be the strong one. But I'm not strong right now.
Boyfriend things are going well. I'm really excited and anxious to see him. He's as much of a support as he can be. He tells me that I can always talk to him if I need to. I NEED TO! But I don't want to be that needy, clingy, dramatic girlfriend type. I've had my share of those unhealthy relationships in the past. This one is new, mature and different.
He is in Washington DC for training for the Army right now. He'll be there until the 17th (when I see him). He calls me every night and last night he called me and I expected that we would Skype, considering we do like every night. He said he didn't want to and I totally took it like he was mad, or didn't want to see my ugly face, or was uninterested in me now. I took a risk while talking to him and said "Well it hurts my feelings that you don't want to Skype with me. It makes me feel like you don't want to see me." Then he said that he was just really tired and that he didn't want to move from his chair (typical lazy boy!). He also told me that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I know he doesn't. He's a good guy. But because of my zero self esteem and non-existant confidence, I find it almost impossible to not blame myself for every little thing.
I'm just tired and scared of losing everything. One of my closest friends has to move away. Malcom has a new girlfriend, so I never see or talk to him. E is 6 hours away. My family is like 239,128,982 miles away. I "lost" my eating disorder, which is still a good/ bad thing. I am scared of losing my support of Canopy Cove. I'm afraid of losing E, so that's why I think I'm so critical of my relationship with him.
And just a word of advice: if you're in the mood to cry, listen to "I'll Be Home For Christmas".
Why am I sad?
I wish I could pinpoint why. First of all, winter and Christmas time is always a hard time for me. It's always been the time of year that I have relapsed and ended up back in the hospital. My grandmother died in November of 1996 and my grandpa died in December of 1997. My eating disorder started on December 23, 2003. And my Dad left on January 19, 2003. So winter just sucks.
Now you're probably thinking, just because it has sucked in the past, doesn't mean it has to suck now. And you're right. But that doesn't help. My eating disorder has been rearing it's ugly head into my life alot lately.
I'm genuinely lonely.
And I know I will be lonely for about the next month.
This week is my last week of classes, and then next week we have finals. Next weekend I'm travelling 6 hours up to Georgia to visit the boyfriend from the 17th through the 19th. Then on Monday the 19th, my cousin and one of my best friends is coming to visit me until Friday the 23rd. Sunday is Christmas. Then Tuesday through Friday I will be working all day at the preschool. So, I mean I'll be very busy. Hopefully some of this busy-ness will cure my lonliness.
I saw Dr. Jeter 2 days ago for a session. I told her about my sadness. I also asked if I could come to Canopy Cove on Christmas, just so I will be around other people. Who wants to spend Christmas all alone, locked up in an empty apartment? Not me. Plus, I could use the meal support while there. I'll see if I can go for lunch and snack. And today, my boss at the after school program invited me to her house for dinner on Christmas. She knew I was going to be alone for the holiday.
So, I mean, I have support. I have people. I have family. I have "acquaintances". And I have friends. They just are all elsewhere. Not close enough to easily reach out to. Or maybe they are accessible, I just don't have the motivation to reach out. I'm supposed to be the "recovered one", right? I'm not supposed to still have struggles or issues! I've been in freaking treatment for long enough. Geez. I feel like I'm supposed to be the strong one. But I'm not strong right now.
Boyfriend things are going well. I'm really excited and anxious to see him. He's as much of a support as he can be. He tells me that I can always talk to him if I need to. I NEED TO! But I don't want to be that needy, clingy, dramatic girlfriend type. I've had my share of those unhealthy relationships in the past. This one is new, mature and different.
He is in Washington DC for training for the Army right now. He'll be there until the 17th (when I see him). He calls me every night and last night he called me and I expected that we would Skype, considering we do like every night. He said he didn't want to and I totally took it like he was mad, or didn't want to see my ugly face, or was uninterested in me now. I took a risk while talking to him and said "Well it hurts my feelings that you don't want to Skype with me. It makes me feel like you don't want to see me." Then he said that he was just really tired and that he didn't want to move from his chair (typical lazy boy!). He also told me that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I know he doesn't. He's a good guy. But because of my zero self esteem and non-existant confidence, I find it almost impossible to not blame myself for every little thing.
I'm just tired and scared of losing everything. One of my closest friends has to move away. Malcom has a new girlfriend, so I never see or talk to him. E is 6 hours away. My family is like 239,128,982 miles away. I "lost" my eating disorder, which is still a good/ bad thing. I am scared of losing my support of Canopy Cove. I'm afraid of losing E, so that's why I think I'm so critical of my relationship with him.
And just a word of advice: if you're in the mood to cry, listen to "I'll Be Home For Christmas".
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Am I a disappointment? I'll blame it on the pain.
I had program at Canopy Cove yesterday. It was actually a pretty good program day. Even though I'm in IOP (which typically takes place at the Partial building in Killearn), we have been going out to Residential for the day. It's fine. Theres more breathing room and scenery. I'm not a big horse person, but pet therapy is always beneficial.
Anyway, I went straight from my first day of observing at my new job to Canopy Cove. Observing at the preschool was great. I got to work with the 3 year olds so it was tons of fun. They call me Miss. Kelly (it's adorable). When I got to Res, I was pretty much rushed to make my lunch. I quickly boiled water for my cous cous and without thinking I brought it to the table. I thought nothing of it until about halfway through lunch when I realized I had an extra bread! Mental freak out! My "required" amount of breads at lunch is 2, and NOW I HAVE 3!! I tried to rationalize it in my head by telling myself that I didn't have any breads with breakfast. That got me through my mental break down. Plus, I didn't want to make a scene at the lunch table. So I waited until processing to mention it. After lunch, I used some coping skills of collaging. I made a placemat of my main goals in life.
We had groups with Karen and Catherine. With Karen, I made a poster board of all my victories that I have accomplished since July of 2010, when I was admitted to Canopy Cove. I added everything from wearing a push-up bra for the first time, to eating pizza, to going on dates, etc... It really made me open my eyes to everything I've done throughout my recovery. I recommend everyone do that at some point. Then with Catherine, we did a project of what "cranks our eating disorders".
I then had a session with Dr. Jeter that went really well. After my weekend with E, it was extremely beneficial to talk to her. Ya know, it's really convenient that she is a marriage and relationship professor. She really knows her stuff. So we talked about stuff like E and my physical relationship. I also had a lot to say about my lacking confidence and how I think it currently and in the past affects my relationships. I totally feel so self-consious when I'm in any kind of romantic relationship. It's been that way since day one of my eating disorder. I mean, I got sick a month into my relationship with my first boyfriend ever. That ended well. NOT. Ever since then, I haven't had a healthy relationship. I want one so badly. I WANT desperately to be able to have that confidence. We all know confidence is sexy, right? I guess I just really worry that I will take it to the extreme opposite and just be a conceided, cocky mess. I know that is unattractive. I've seen it plenty of times in high school. I know I mentioned this before, but I'm constantly questioning myself and E whether he likes me still or not. I could literally do nothing, but I become paranoid that I did something that will mess everything up. How do I get over this? It's so inconvenient and I know if I continue to act this crazy, he will end things sooner than later.
Take last night for instance: We were Skyping as usual and I mentioned something to him about how I get so nervous and self-consious that he won't like me as much as I like him. I don't even remember everything that I said to him, all I know is that I kept rambling on and on about how nervous I was. WHO DOES THAT?! I guess when I get nervous I just ramble. Anyway, we got off Skype and then I pretty much panicked this morning because usually every morning he sends me a quick, sweet text saying "Good Morning" or something. Well, this morning he didn't. My fault probably. I tried my hardest to rationalize it. Maybe he is busy in the office. I knew he had lots of work to do today. But I couldn't help but still be worried. My mind eased a bit when he called me as soon as he got on his lunch break. I know I shouldn't have, but I apologized profusely about my emotional crazyness from the night before. He told me I didn't need to apologize but I felt I had to. I blamed it on my period.
I asked Dr. J how I could start to gain some confidence when it comes to myself and relationships. She recommended that I start to explore my strengths. I guess first I need to figure out what my strengths are. I suppose if I recognize and aknowledge my strength and abilities, then other people might notice them and like them too. She made a good point: would someone be more attracted to a weak, needy Kelly? Or a Kelly being the best Kelly she can be?
Anyway, I went straight from my first day of observing at my new job to Canopy Cove. Observing at the preschool was great. I got to work with the 3 year olds so it was tons of fun. They call me Miss. Kelly (it's adorable). When I got to Res, I was pretty much rushed to make my lunch. I quickly boiled water for my cous cous and without thinking I brought it to the table. I thought nothing of it until about halfway through lunch when I realized I had an extra bread! Mental freak out! My "required" amount of breads at lunch is 2, and NOW I HAVE 3!! I tried to rationalize it in my head by telling myself that I didn't have any breads with breakfast. That got me through my mental break down. Plus, I didn't want to make a scene at the lunch table. So I waited until processing to mention it. After lunch, I used some coping skills of collaging. I made a placemat of my main goals in life.
We had groups with Karen and Catherine. With Karen, I made a poster board of all my victories that I have accomplished since July of 2010, when I was admitted to Canopy Cove. I added everything from wearing a push-up bra for the first time, to eating pizza, to going on dates, etc... It really made me open my eyes to everything I've done throughout my recovery. I recommend everyone do that at some point. Then with Catherine, we did a project of what "cranks our eating disorders".
I then had a session with Dr. Jeter that went really well. After my weekend with E, it was extremely beneficial to talk to her. Ya know, it's really convenient that she is a marriage and relationship professor. She really knows her stuff. So we talked about stuff like E and my physical relationship. I also had a lot to say about my lacking confidence and how I think it currently and in the past affects my relationships. I totally feel so self-consious when I'm in any kind of romantic relationship. It's been that way since day one of my eating disorder. I mean, I got sick a month into my relationship with my first boyfriend ever. That ended well. NOT. Ever since then, I haven't had a healthy relationship. I want one so badly. I WANT desperately to be able to have that confidence. We all know confidence is sexy, right? I guess I just really worry that I will take it to the extreme opposite and just be a conceided, cocky mess. I know that is unattractive. I've seen it plenty of times in high school. I know I mentioned this before, but I'm constantly questioning myself and E whether he likes me still or not. I could literally do nothing, but I become paranoid that I did something that will mess everything up. How do I get over this? It's so inconvenient and I know if I continue to act this crazy, he will end things sooner than later.
Take last night for instance: We were Skyping as usual and I mentioned something to him about how I get so nervous and self-consious that he won't like me as much as I like him. I don't even remember everything that I said to him, all I know is that I kept rambling on and on about how nervous I was. WHO DOES THAT?! I guess when I get nervous I just ramble. Anyway, we got off Skype and then I pretty much panicked this morning because usually every morning he sends me a quick, sweet text saying "Good Morning" or something. Well, this morning he didn't. My fault probably. I tried my hardest to rationalize it. Maybe he is busy in the office. I knew he had lots of work to do today. But I couldn't help but still be worried. My mind eased a bit when he called me as soon as he got on his lunch break. I know I shouldn't have, but I apologized profusely about my emotional crazyness from the night before. He told me I didn't need to apologize but I felt I had to. I blamed it on my period.
I asked Dr. J how I could start to gain some confidence when it comes to myself and relationships. She recommended that I start to explore my strengths. I guess first I need to figure out what my strengths are. I suppose if I recognize and aknowledge my strength and abilities, then other people might notice them and like them too. She made a good point: would someone be more attracted to a weak, needy Kelly? Or a Kelly being the best Kelly she can be?
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Only time will tell
Well Thanksgiving wasn't bad at all. E came Wednesday night and we just talked for hours and hours. It was great. Then on Thursday we had a really lazy day. Went to Starbucks, played some frisbee, watched football and then dinner. It was the first time eating in front of him which is always really scary. The night before he had gone into my room and saw all of my affirmations all over my mirrors and walls and then he saw my sign that reads "My worst day in recovery is better than my best day in relapse" and he asked about it. I knew I couldn't keep the eating disorder a secret any longer from him. And I shouldn't. A friend recently told me that my past isn't anything I should be ashamed about, and shes right. The eating disorder made me who I am today, and for the most part, I'm pretty proud of who I am today. So, I told him about it. He took it pretty well but didn't say much. Since then, he asks questions about it once in a while. He even told me that he would go into family therapy education because he wants to learn as much about me as possible and wants to help me out in any way he can.
Him and I went out last night. We were both getting ready and I was putting perfume on my wrists and he grabbed my wrist and looked at it and pointed and asked "whats this?" (referring to the scars on my wrist). I kind of shrugged and he goes "I know what this is. Why did you do this?" I told him that it was from several years ago and that I don't do it anymore. I told him I did it because I was going through a hard time and that it was easier to deal with physical pain than the emotional pain I was going through. He said that "all of his friends will know what it is when they look at it". What am I supposed to say to that? Sorry? It's my past. I haven't done it in months and if I lose a realtionship over cutting, then it's definitely not worth it. He told me to never do it again. I agreed. And I don't plan on it. I didn't admit to him that I still have the urges to cut every once in a while. I'm afraid he would think I'm crazy!
I already feel like nothing I do is worth him liking me as much as he says he does. I wish I could just have the confidence that he truly likes me. I'm constantly questioning myself and him if he still likes me. I asked him that after I told him about the eating disorder and then again after he found out about the cutting. He said yes both times. I guess with my past history of guys, I haven't had the best luck with true loving feelings being received by me. (Because there were none there). Finally, I think, I caught a genuine person, a mature person and a potential match for me.
On a lighter note, we had "the talk". You know, the realtionship status talk. He said that he didn't want to be with anyone else. We are official now! It happened really quick but I'm pretty sure it's a good thing. It has literally been over 4 years since I've had a boyfriend. I hope I am good girlfriend material. I worry about that. I want to be the perfect partner. Which brings up the jealousy thing. I get jealous really easily. I trust that he wouldn't cheat on me, but considering me past relationships, I can't help but worry about it still.
So this whole relationship will be a good thing. I'm pretty sure. I told my parents that I have to do this. I have to take risks in life and be vulnerable at times. Or else I will never grow up. I will never meet anyone, and certainly if I don't test out the waters of dating and relationships, I will never get married and have a family.
Him and I went out last night. We were both getting ready and I was putting perfume on my wrists and he grabbed my wrist and looked at it and pointed and asked "whats this?" (referring to the scars on my wrist). I kind of shrugged and he goes "I know what this is. Why did you do this?" I told him that it was from several years ago and that I don't do it anymore. I told him I did it because I was going through a hard time and that it was easier to deal with physical pain than the emotional pain I was going through. He said that "all of his friends will know what it is when they look at it". What am I supposed to say to that? Sorry? It's my past. I haven't done it in months and if I lose a realtionship over cutting, then it's definitely not worth it. He told me to never do it again. I agreed. And I don't plan on it. I didn't admit to him that I still have the urges to cut every once in a while. I'm afraid he would think I'm crazy!
I already feel like nothing I do is worth him liking me as much as he says he does. I wish I could just have the confidence that he truly likes me. I'm constantly questioning myself and him if he still likes me. I asked him that after I told him about the eating disorder and then again after he found out about the cutting. He said yes both times. I guess with my past history of guys, I haven't had the best luck with true loving feelings being received by me. (Because there were none there). Finally, I think, I caught a genuine person, a mature person and a potential match for me.
On a lighter note, we had "the talk". You know, the realtionship status talk. He said that he didn't want to be with anyone else. We are official now! It happened really quick but I'm pretty sure it's a good thing. It has literally been over 4 years since I've had a boyfriend. I hope I am good girlfriend material. I worry about that. I want to be the perfect partner. Which brings up the jealousy thing. I get jealous really easily. I trust that he wouldn't cheat on me, but considering me past relationships, I can't help but worry about it still.
So this whole relationship will be a good thing. I'm pretty sure. I told my parents that I have to do this. I have to take risks in life and be vulnerable at times. Or else I will never grow up. I will never meet anyone, and certainly if I don't test out the waters of dating and relationships, I will never get married and have a family.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
It's the most wonderful time of the year?
If I was a betting woman (which I'm not), but if I was, I would bet that Thanksgiving is an eating disordered person's least favorite holiday. I sure know it's mine.
Ever since the eating disorder started, holidays have been a nightmare. Damn those pilgrims for thinking "Lets have a whole day where we do nothing but stuff our faces full of calorie-laden food!" Because thats what it is. Sure, you get to see family (if you want to), but even seeing family and loved ones can be hard when you're in the midst of an eating disorder.
So for just about the past decade, I have hated the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And well, Valentines Day too, but I'll save that for another post. Winters have always been the hardest. It's always the time when I have had to go inpatient or into treatment. One of my nephews was born on December 22, 2007, and I couldn't even be there for his birth because I was too busy being tube-fed at Albany Medical Center. I got out in time for Christmas, but that's not to say my Christmas was still being ran by the eating disorder. I have such great guilt towards myself for ruining holidays for my family. There were holidays that my family knew I was going to purge after the meal. I love my family so much that I would never ever want to put them through the hell I have put them through again. There were also holidays I spent locked up in my room eating alone, having my mother eat by herself in the other room. Ugh. It makes me hate myself for putting them through that.
Last year was the first Thanksgiving I truly was happy at and enjoyed. I was down here in Tallahassee, still staying at the Canopy Cove apartments. My father came down for the week to spend Thanksgiving with me and I had Carly with me too. Her and I cooked and followed our meal plans exactly. We took pictures, had a great time, and of course, my father watched football! I'm praying for another holiday season like last year. One where I am actually enjoying myself. Where I can focus on the meaning of Christmas and what I'm thankful for; not just food and weight.
So E is coming from Georgia tonight and staying for 4 days. I'm so excited. He's very special to me. We haven't established a "title" among us. But that will probably happen this weekend. I'm falling FAST for him. Which could be a bad thing, but I guess I'll have to find out and see. I, like in every relationship, just don't want to get hurt. I was hurt too much with the Malcom relationship. I can't handle anymore. So perhaps I'm being vulnerable with E by attatching to him so quickly. I don't know. Anyway, it will just be him and I for Thanksgiving. I still haven't figured out the turkey situation because I'm vegetarian but I don't want to deny him that American tradition. Maybe I'll find a baby turkey to cook.
I'm thankful for so many things this year. I'm thankful for my wonderful family and friends. I'm thankful that I have a job, that I have a car that works. I'm thankful I have my health BACK! I'm thankful that I'm alive. What are you thankful for?
Ever since the eating disorder started, holidays have been a nightmare. Damn those pilgrims for thinking "Lets have a whole day where we do nothing but stuff our faces full of calorie-laden food!" Because thats what it is. Sure, you get to see family (if you want to), but even seeing family and loved ones can be hard when you're in the midst of an eating disorder.
So for just about the past decade, I have hated the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And well, Valentines Day too, but I'll save that for another post. Winters have always been the hardest. It's always the time when I have had to go inpatient or into treatment. One of my nephews was born on December 22, 2007, and I couldn't even be there for his birth because I was too busy being tube-fed at Albany Medical Center. I got out in time for Christmas, but that's not to say my Christmas was still being ran by the eating disorder. I have such great guilt towards myself for ruining holidays for my family. There were holidays that my family knew I was going to purge after the meal. I love my family so much that I would never ever want to put them through the hell I have put them through again. There were also holidays I spent locked up in my room eating alone, having my mother eat by herself in the other room. Ugh. It makes me hate myself for putting them through that.
Last year was the first Thanksgiving I truly was happy at and enjoyed. I was down here in Tallahassee, still staying at the Canopy Cove apartments. My father came down for the week to spend Thanksgiving with me and I had Carly with me too. Her and I cooked and followed our meal plans exactly. We took pictures, had a great time, and of course, my father watched football! I'm praying for another holiday season like last year. One where I am actually enjoying myself. Where I can focus on the meaning of Christmas and what I'm thankful for; not just food and weight.
So E is coming from Georgia tonight and staying for 4 days. I'm so excited. He's very special to me. We haven't established a "title" among us. But that will probably happen this weekend. I'm falling FAST for him. Which could be a bad thing, but I guess I'll have to find out and see. I, like in every relationship, just don't want to get hurt. I was hurt too much with the Malcom relationship. I can't handle anymore. So perhaps I'm being vulnerable with E by attatching to him so quickly. I don't know. Anyway, it will just be him and I for Thanksgiving. I still haven't figured out the turkey situation because I'm vegetarian but I don't want to deny him that American tradition. Maybe I'll find a baby turkey to cook.
I'm thankful for so many things this year. I'm thankful for my wonderful family and friends. I'm thankful that I have a job, that I have a car that works. I'm thankful I have my health BACK! I'm thankful that I'm alive. What are you thankful for?
Friday, November 18, 2011
"Of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares to you"
Malcom who? Just kidding, kind of. It had been several days since we have talked (and by talked I mean texted). But theres hope in store, because there's a new gentleman in my life.
And you may think I skip around from guy to guy, but really, my heart has been pretty set on Malcom for like the past 6 months. So this is a HUGE step that I'm branching out. I can't say that my heart is completely separated from Malcom, but the newbie guy is a wonderful distraction.
I'll call him "E", again for confidentiality purposes. He's amazing. And great. I told this to my parents and they go "Well, you say that about every body." Maybe I do, but E is different. He LIKES ME TOO! He's extremely respectful, he calls me gorgeous, he's funny and we can talk for hours upon hours without being bored or anything. And the entire time we both have these crazy smiles on our faces. During the day I think about him and he told me he thinks about me all day too. Isn't that cute? Did I mention he's in the Army?! I have a weakness for boys in uniform. Discipline is sexy!
I'm super excited because since he's not going anywhere for Thanksgiving, I invited him to have Thanksgiving with Carly and I! So he's coming Wednesday and staying until Sunday. Spending time with someone I know for a fact likes me in return will be something new. I haven't had a guy be TRULY interested in me in 4 years. So I'd say it's about time. He doesn't know about the eating disorder and I definitely don't plan on telling him until (and if we do) become serious. He told me he's not judgmental, and I really believe him. I just don't want him to associate me with an eating disorder. Especially not during Thanksgiving (an anorexic's least favorite day of the year). So, I will let you all know how that goes.
And now for eating disorder stuff...
I'm still going to IOP at Canopy Cove once a week. It might not seem like alot, but it truly is helpful. Even having that one meal and snack with the group is beneficial. It helps me get back on track for the rest of the week.
Things on my own have been alright. I haven't been able to stick to the meal plan that Ashlee and I came up with, but I KNOW for a fact that I'm not losing any weight. I can feel it. If anything, I feel like I've been gaining. But in my session with Karen on Monday she told me there hadn't been any change. Surely, I trust Canopy Cove but I just feel like I'm gaining anyway. I still have those strong, and I mean strong, urges to lose weight. Not a significant amount, just like I said before, maybe 10 pounds. I don't think those feelings will ever go away.
Some other good news is that I got a new job! Right now it's just substituting at a preschool called Scottsdale Academy. But perhaps someday I'll have a more permanent position there. I'm pretty excited about it. If you know me, you know that I LOVE babies and little tykes. And there they have infants as little as 6 weeks to toddlers as old as 5. And in my other job, I got a little promotion. My boss wants me to be her executive assistant the days that I am available. She even offered me a raise along with that. When the Lord provides, He really provides!
So as I venture forward into this weekend, I'm hoping things remain stable for me, and get better for those around me.
And you may think I skip around from guy to guy, but really, my heart has been pretty set on Malcom for like the past 6 months. So this is a HUGE step that I'm branching out. I can't say that my heart is completely separated from Malcom, but the newbie guy is a wonderful distraction.
I'll call him "E", again for confidentiality purposes. He's amazing. And great. I told this to my parents and they go "Well, you say that about every body." Maybe I do, but E is different. He LIKES ME TOO! He's extremely respectful, he calls me gorgeous, he's funny and we can talk for hours upon hours without being bored or anything. And the entire time we both have these crazy smiles on our faces. During the day I think about him and he told me he thinks about me all day too. Isn't that cute? Did I mention he's in the Army?! I have a weakness for boys in uniform. Discipline is sexy!
I'm super excited because since he's not going anywhere for Thanksgiving, I invited him to have Thanksgiving with Carly and I! So he's coming Wednesday and staying until Sunday. Spending time with someone I know for a fact likes me in return will be something new. I haven't had a guy be TRULY interested in me in 4 years. So I'd say it's about time. He doesn't know about the eating disorder and I definitely don't plan on telling him until (and if we do) become serious. He told me he's not judgmental, and I really believe him. I just don't want him to associate me with an eating disorder. Especially not during Thanksgiving (an anorexic's least favorite day of the year). So, I will let you all know how that goes.
And now for eating disorder stuff...
I'm still going to IOP at Canopy Cove once a week. It might not seem like alot, but it truly is helpful. Even having that one meal and snack with the group is beneficial. It helps me get back on track for the rest of the week.
Things on my own have been alright. I haven't been able to stick to the meal plan that Ashlee and I came up with, but I KNOW for a fact that I'm not losing any weight. I can feel it. If anything, I feel like I've been gaining. But in my session with Karen on Monday she told me there hadn't been any change. Surely, I trust Canopy Cove but I just feel like I'm gaining anyway. I still have those strong, and I mean strong, urges to lose weight. Not a significant amount, just like I said before, maybe 10 pounds. I don't think those feelings will ever go away.
Some other good news is that I got a new job! Right now it's just substituting at a preschool called Scottsdale Academy. But perhaps someday I'll have a more permanent position there. I'm pretty excited about it. If you know me, you know that I LOVE babies and little tykes. And there they have infants as little as 6 weeks to toddlers as old as 5. And in my other job, I got a little promotion. My boss wants me to be her executive assistant the days that I am available. She even offered me a raise along with that. When the Lord provides, He really provides!
So as I venture forward into this weekend, I'm hoping things remain stable for me, and get better for those around me.
Friday, November 11, 2011
A Weekend of Friends, Fun & Food (Of Course)
You're probably used to reading about not-so-good times in my life, but this blog is different.
Last night Emily came to Tallahassee! How exciting is that? It has been months since I've seen her, so it was a great suprise to hear she was coming to town. Anyway, she got here late last night and it was an epic reunion. We ran into each others arms, just like a movie. Then Emily, Carly and I frolicked around in a united circle of love.
We all decided to go to this cafe/bar place. It was very fun. We all talked and hugged and smiled and laughed. I can't get over how happy I am she's here. I'm so grateful that my 2 best friends (Carly & Emily) are in my life. I know they are always there for me. And even though it had been months since I've seen her, reuniting with her made it seem like we hadn't missed a beat.
Toward the end of the night, a little blurp in my life happened. I texted Malcom. I tell you, it's like an addiction. HE'S like an addiction. I really wonder why I adore him so much sometimes. I think because a woman's heart is designed differently than a mans. To a woman (and therefore, to me), once Malcom and I became close physically, my heart attatched like glue to him. That's what physical closeness does to a woman. But to a man (and therefore to Malcom), physical closeness means nothing! Its just physical. Not emotional, like to a woman.
In my text I asked him what he was doing, and he responded "At the bar with Ashley. What are you doing?" Well, Ashley is his "study partner", but I doubt he was studying at the bar. Lame. Frustrating. Annoying. Pissed. Maybe she is just a friend. But maybe she's more. Maybe she is his type, like I am not. I don't know. All I can come up with is that why would he be "cuddly" with me, if he's "with another girl".
I didn't let it bother me though. I ate my snack at like 3am (after we got home). I refuse to let the eating disorder ruin my weekend with Carly and Emily.
Last night Emily came to Tallahassee! How exciting is that? It has been months since I've seen her, so it was a great suprise to hear she was coming to town. Anyway, she got here late last night and it was an epic reunion. We ran into each others arms, just like a movie. Then Emily, Carly and I frolicked around in a united circle of love.
We all decided to go to this cafe/bar place. It was very fun. We all talked and hugged and smiled and laughed. I can't get over how happy I am she's here. I'm so grateful that my 2 best friends (Carly & Emily) are in my life. I know they are always there for me. And even though it had been months since I've seen her, reuniting with her made it seem like we hadn't missed a beat.
Toward the end of the night, a little blurp in my life happened. I texted Malcom. I tell you, it's like an addiction. HE'S like an addiction. I really wonder why I adore him so much sometimes. I think because a woman's heart is designed differently than a mans. To a woman (and therefore, to me), once Malcom and I became close physically, my heart attatched like glue to him. That's what physical closeness does to a woman. But to a man (and therefore to Malcom), physical closeness means nothing! Its just physical. Not emotional, like to a woman.
In my text I asked him what he was doing, and he responded "At the bar with Ashley. What are you doing?" Well, Ashley is his "study partner", but I doubt he was studying at the bar. Lame. Frustrating. Annoying. Pissed. Maybe she is just a friend. But maybe she's more. Maybe she is his type, like I am not. I don't know. All I can come up with is that why would he be "cuddly" with me, if he's "with another girl".
I didn't let it bother me though. I ate my snack at like 3am (after we got home). I refuse to let the eating disorder ruin my weekend with Carly and Emily.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Unsuccessful Anorexic?
I recieved the call! Insurance approved of more coverage of IOP! I was so happy to get that phone call, you have no idea. Not that I've been doing horribly, but I do need some support to get back on track. Not to mention there's lots I need to fill Dr. Jeter in on. Danielle asked who I wanted to see on Monday and I told her Dr. Jeter and I also requested a session with Ashlee. She also told me that CARF (don't ask what that stands for) is coming on Monday. They are the company that keeps Canopy Cove accredited or something. She asked me if I wouldn't mind getting interviewed by them! I told her I'd be happy to. I have lots of good things to say about Canopy Cove!
Work and school kept me busy this week. I also spent some time with Malcom. I wish I had good Malcom news, but I don't. It's pretty stable. Of course we've been texting back and forth. He told me the other night I could have stayed the night if I wanted to. Ah, I can't even put into words how much I adore him. He's just a perfect man. I know that is totally a cognitive distortion, but it's so real right now. I haven't been able to find any flaw in him, like Dr. Brogdon suggested me to do. And trust me, I've tried really hard. Why can't we just be together?! It's really putting a damper on my other dating life because I can't fully enjoy my time with other dates because so much of me wants Malcom, and thinks about him.
In other dating news, there's that one pushy guy. Yeah, I'll refer to him as "Pushy". Anyway, he invited me over last night. I didn't really want to go, but little un-assertive me said "I'll be over in a few". I guess it wasn't a bad idea that I went over. He, of course, was super pushy and wanted to be really physical. But I didn't allow anything. Anything! Go me! He was pissed. And basically told me that he was planning on not texting or calling me for at least a week. How can guys...well, this guy...expect everytime we hang out that he's going to get something. I have the right not to be in the mood, or to be tired. Or to just not want to be physical! Well, if he doesn't call me, it's no skin off my back! More time for Malcom...
On one hand I love weekends. I'm able to sleep in and just relax. But on the other hand, I hate them. It really gives the eating disorder alot of ammo for self distructing thoughts. My eating patterns have been all over the place, as usual. Fortunately, I have not used certain behaviors in exactly a week! But I'm really stuck in a pattern of food monotony. Same thing for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack. The only breads I'm getting are crackers and pretzels at dinner and snack. I'm anxious to see if I'll have keytones on Monday.
(This probably sounds so typical) But I wish I could lose a few pounds. Not to the point I was at in July of 2010, but just maybe 10 pounds gone. I could manage at that, right? And if I stay there, and can still eat healthy, then whats the harm? I know for a fact I'm good at losing weight. I mean, I dropped so easily a few years ago. Then why is it so damn hard now?! I feel like an unsuccessful anorexic. I can't lose 10 freaking pounds. Is it because I'm not trying hard enough? Is it because part of me still wants recovery more than anything? I don't know. All I know is that I would feel more comfortable in my skin if I was smaller, thinner, more fragile. That's what I'm used to. I'm not used to having curves. A butt and boobs? Where did these come from? Still, after almost 2 years, I look in the mirror and question who is looking back at me. Where did she come from? Has she been hiding for the past 8 years? Is this who I'm supposed to be? I don't know that either. But I guess if I was in "anorexic mode" I wouldn't have had the guts to stick up to Pushy. I would be way too passive. I think it's a trade off. Then I guess the question is: what am I willing to give up in "recovered life" in order to try to live an "anorexic life"? And can I do both?
I think the answer is no.
Work and school kept me busy this week. I also spent some time with Malcom. I wish I had good Malcom news, but I don't. It's pretty stable. Of course we've been texting back and forth. He told me the other night I could have stayed the night if I wanted to. Ah, I can't even put into words how much I adore him. He's just a perfect man. I know that is totally a cognitive distortion, but it's so real right now. I haven't been able to find any flaw in him, like Dr. Brogdon suggested me to do. And trust me, I've tried really hard. Why can't we just be together?! It's really putting a damper on my other dating life because I can't fully enjoy my time with other dates because so much of me wants Malcom, and thinks about him.
In other dating news, there's that one pushy guy. Yeah, I'll refer to him as "Pushy". Anyway, he invited me over last night. I didn't really want to go, but little un-assertive me said "I'll be over in a few". I guess it wasn't a bad idea that I went over. He, of course, was super pushy and wanted to be really physical. But I didn't allow anything. Anything! Go me! He was pissed. And basically told me that he was planning on not texting or calling me for at least a week. How can guys...well, this guy...expect everytime we hang out that he's going to get something. I have the right not to be in the mood, or to be tired. Or to just not want to be physical! Well, if he doesn't call me, it's no skin off my back! More time for Malcom...
On one hand I love weekends. I'm able to sleep in and just relax. But on the other hand, I hate them. It really gives the eating disorder alot of ammo for self distructing thoughts. My eating patterns have been all over the place, as usual. Fortunately, I have not used certain behaviors in exactly a week! But I'm really stuck in a pattern of food monotony. Same thing for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack. The only breads I'm getting are crackers and pretzels at dinner and snack. I'm anxious to see if I'll have keytones on Monday.
(This probably sounds so typical) But I wish I could lose a few pounds. Not to the point I was at in July of 2010, but just maybe 10 pounds gone. I could manage at that, right? And if I stay there, and can still eat healthy, then whats the harm? I know for a fact I'm good at losing weight. I mean, I dropped so easily a few years ago. Then why is it so damn hard now?! I feel like an unsuccessful anorexic. I can't lose 10 freaking pounds. Is it because I'm not trying hard enough? Is it because part of me still wants recovery more than anything? I don't know. All I know is that I would feel more comfortable in my skin if I was smaller, thinner, more fragile. That's what I'm used to. I'm not used to having curves. A butt and boobs? Where did these come from? Still, after almost 2 years, I look in the mirror and question who is looking back at me. Where did she come from? Has she been hiding for the past 8 years? Is this who I'm supposed to be? I don't know that either. But I guess if I was in "anorexic mode" I wouldn't have had the guts to stick up to Pushy. I would be way too passive. I think it's a trade off. Then I guess the question is: what am I willing to give up in "recovered life" in order to try to live an "anorexic life"? And can I do both?
I think the answer is no.
Monday, October 31, 2011
"I came here to talk, I hope you understand"
This morning was my individual session with Dr. Brogdon. It went alot better than I figured it would. I was really happy to see her. Shes such a caring, loving woman who really knows her stuff!
First we discussed my medication situation. I'm supposed to be on Abilify, Effexor, and Buspar. But to be honest, I've really been bad at taking my medication. It's been like over a week since I've taken any. I told her this and she said I really need to start taking them again. I have pretty legit reasons why I'm not taking them, but I guess the reasons why I should be taking them are alot more legit, right?
She said that my seratonin levels are still pretty messed up. And seratonin pretty much controls not only my mood, but also my appetite and things like my sleep. SLEEP! Lately, I have not been getting any at all. Typically going to bed at 4am and waking up natually at around 7am. It's so messed up. I try to sleep longer, but I'm just not tired during the day. Anyway, my point is that seratonin is a pretty crucial hormone, as well as estrogen. Therefore, the fact that my medication is hanging out in my cabinet and not in my tummy, means that all these things are altered. Like my stupid mood. I have been SO emotional lately. I would say it's typical PMS, but I have NEVER felt this emotional. I cried twice yesterday and got teary eyed when Carly and I were watching Friends and Phoebe got proposed to!
Goal #1: Take my medication again.
We also talked about relationships. Specifically with Malcom, since he's still my main squeeze right now (even though I'm not his). I confessed to her pretty much everything with him. Everything from my theory that he's perfect & flawless to cutting over an incident with him. We talked about how men differ from women drastically. We talked about how when he said to me "you're not my type" he might have been pointing the finger at me, but really, it's something to do with himself. (I wish I could fully believe that). She told me that if he's still willing to cuddle and stuff, then there must be something there. I just don't know anymore. She suggested that I find flaws in him, or at least one flaw.
Goal #2: Find at least 1 flaw in Malcom.
So that was my appointment. She wants me to come back next week. She doesn't want me to go more than a week without any therapy. I'm just still hoping that my insurance pulls through and will cover some more IOP. The only problem is how dang expensive it is. She's definitely worth it, but by no means am I well off financially. It's another big stress of mine.
Today has been a pretty unsuccessful day, as far as my recovery goes. I started going to the gym again. It feels great to go. Just to get my endorphins out there and physical activity is really good for you. The only problem is I can't tell whether or not the eating disorder wants me to work out, or if it's just a healthy way to de-stress or whatever. I am able to limit myself. I go for 45 minutes at most, and don't over work myself at all. I would much rather get a work out by doing something like playing tennis or basketball, but that doesn't always happen. But the whole time I'm thinking How will this help improve my body? What can I do next to burn more calories? But isn't that what all those gym-rats think? I'm not sure.
I ate today, but didn't meet my requirements at all. I just wasn't hungry. I couldn't do it. (Note the statement above about my decreased appetite). I didn't have urges to purge, which is a huge victory. It seems, however, that it's one or the other. Under eat? Or eat and use behaviors? It's like a lose-lose situation. I'm not 100% discouraged however, because I am able to have days where I don't use behaviors, and that I'm able to distinguish healthy vs. unhealthy thoughts. Not to mention that it's been over a month since I've last cut.
That's another thing Dr. Brogdon talked to me about. She said people are either completely engulfed in their eating disorder (me, in July 2010) or they are "bothered" by the eating disorder, it just doesn't control their life (me, now). She had to reassure me that I WILL recover. I told her that I so often feel like I never will. But she said that research shows that the minimum amount of time for recovery to start to kick in is often 5 years. That sounds like a long time, but in the scheme of life, its not.
First we discussed my medication situation. I'm supposed to be on Abilify, Effexor, and Buspar. But to be honest, I've really been bad at taking my medication. It's been like over a week since I've taken any. I told her this and she said I really need to start taking them again. I have pretty legit reasons why I'm not taking them, but I guess the reasons why I should be taking them are alot more legit, right?
She said that my seratonin levels are still pretty messed up. And seratonin pretty much controls not only my mood, but also my appetite and things like my sleep. SLEEP! Lately, I have not been getting any at all. Typically going to bed at 4am and waking up natually at around 7am. It's so messed up. I try to sleep longer, but I'm just not tired during the day. Anyway, my point is that seratonin is a pretty crucial hormone, as well as estrogen. Therefore, the fact that my medication is hanging out in my cabinet and not in my tummy, means that all these things are altered. Like my stupid mood. I have been SO emotional lately. I would say it's typical PMS, but I have NEVER felt this emotional. I cried twice yesterday and got teary eyed when Carly and I were watching Friends and Phoebe got proposed to!
Goal #1: Take my medication again.
We also talked about relationships. Specifically with Malcom, since he's still my main squeeze right now (even though I'm not his). I confessed to her pretty much everything with him. Everything from my theory that he's perfect & flawless to cutting over an incident with him. We talked about how men differ from women drastically. We talked about how when he said to me "you're not my type" he might have been pointing the finger at me, but really, it's something to do with himself. (I wish I could fully believe that). She told me that if he's still willing to cuddle and stuff, then there must be something there. I just don't know anymore. She suggested that I find flaws in him, or at least one flaw.
Goal #2: Find at least 1 flaw in Malcom.
So that was my appointment. She wants me to come back next week. She doesn't want me to go more than a week without any therapy. I'm just still hoping that my insurance pulls through and will cover some more IOP. The only problem is how dang expensive it is. She's definitely worth it, but by no means am I well off financially. It's another big stress of mine.
Today has been a pretty unsuccessful day, as far as my recovery goes. I started going to the gym again. It feels great to go. Just to get my endorphins out there and physical activity is really good for you. The only problem is I can't tell whether or not the eating disorder wants me to work out, or if it's just a healthy way to de-stress or whatever. I am able to limit myself. I go for 45 minutes at most, and don't over work myself at all. I would much rather get a work out by doing something like playing tennis or basketball, but that doesn't always happen. But the whole time I'm thinking How will this help improve my body? What can I do next to burn more calories? But isn't that what all those gym-rats think? I'm not sure.
I ate today, but didn't meet my requirements at all. I just wasn't hungry. I couldn't do it. (Note the statement above about my decreased appetite). I didn't have urges to purge, which is a huge victory. It seems, however, that it's one or the other. Under eat? Or eat and use behaviors? It's like a lose-lose situation. I'm not 100% discouraged however, because I am able to have days where I don't use behaviors, and that I'm able to distinguish healthy vs. unhealthy thoughts. Not to mention that it's been over a month since I've last cut.
That's another thing Dr. Brogdon talked to me about. She said people are either completely engulfed in their eating disorder (me, in July 2010) or they are "bothered" by the eating disorder, it just doesn't control their life (me, now). She had to reassure me that I WILL recover. I told her that I so often feel like I never will. But she said that research shows that the minimum amount of time for recovery to start to kick in is often 5 years. That sounds like a long time, but in the scheme of life, its not.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
My Toolbelt of Life
I have bad news. This doesn't affect you so sorry if I am just venting here
Danielle called me and told me that Dr. Brogdon is NOT covered by my insurance. SO this means that I have to see some other random therapist in Tallahassee. I was really devestated. I mean, I made SO much progress with Dr. Jeter and the rest of the staff at Canopy Cove that I can't even imagine re-hashing everything that happened in my life to some new person. I actually do have a session with Dr. Brogdon on Monday. Danielle sugegsted that I see her in the meantime while my 2nd appeal is going through, and while they look for a therapist that my insurance will cover. I had to ask my parents for the money to pay for the visit with Dr. Brogdon, which I always HATE to do. I feel like at 23 I should be able to support myself financially, as well as emotionally. But I guess that it counts towards something that I'm making progress towards both.
My father has been reminding me again and again how this time would come. A time that my insurance would cut out and I would have to do this on my own. He's right. I've learned all the tools and now I can put my tools to use on my own.
Yesterday I made my schedule for the next 3 semesters. I'm actually super excited. I'll be able to graduate next fall and go straight into the Art History program at FSU. My plan is to get my undergraduate degree in Art History and then my Masters in Art Therapy. I'm somewhat nervous because I'll be a full-time student again. I haven't done that since I was a Fine Arts major at SUNY New Paltz. We all know how THAT turned out (and if you don't, I had to drop out of New Paltz and became very sick, a few hospitals, etc...). I obviously won't be in IOP at Canopy Cove, so I guess I'll have more time for school. I just hope I don't get overwhelmed and have to drop out again. That would send all my goals down the drain.
But I have the tools now. I didn't before.
If you have read my blog right before this, I'm sure you're wondering how my little date went. It actually went pretty well. We got along good and he's been texting and calling me since then. (Which is an upgrade from some people I've dated). He took me out to dinner and invited me over to watch some football. The only problems are that (a) he isn't religious and (b) he's pretty pushy in the physical activity department. I know I'm not going to marry this guy because the religion thing is a deal breaker and being pushy is a BAD sign. But I guess it's okay to go out on some dates and just have fun. I mean, I am a college student. I won't ever find my perfect match by sitting home alone. I need to get out and do things, and as long as I'm protecting my heart, then there is no harm. And with him, I HAVE protected my heart. It's just that other fella who I still absolutely adore. Gah! Boys!
My eating disorder has been very bi-polar lately. The other day I did excellent. I ate all my meals and I stayed busy afterwards. But today has just been horrible. Behaviors really snuck in and the only real good job I did today was dinner because Malcom, his friend and I went to Panera. (Where we happily visited Carly!) Anyway, tomorrow IS a new day, right?
And I DO have those tools to recover!
Danielle called me and told me that Dr. Brogdon is NOT covered by my insurance. SO this means that I have to see some other random therapist in Tallahassee. I was really devestated. I mean, I made SO much progress with Dr. Jeter and the rest of the staff at Canopy Cove that I can't even imagine re-hashing everything that happened in my life to some new person. I actually do have a session with Dr. Brogdon on Monday. Danielle sugegsted that I see her in the meantime while my 2nd appeal is going through, and while they look for a therapist that my insurance will cover. I had to ask my parents for the money to pay for the visit with Dr. Brogdon, which I always HATE to do. I feel like at 23 I should be able to support myself financially, as well as emotionally. But I guess that it counts towards something that I'm making progress towards both.
My father has been reminding me again and again how this time would come. A time that my insurance would cut out and I would have to do this on my own. He's right. I've learned all the tools and now I can put my tools to use on my own.
Yesterday I made my schedule for the next 3 semesters. I'm actually super excited. I'll be able to graduate next fall and go straight into the Art History program at FSU. My plan is to get my undergraduate degree in Art History and then my Masters in Art Therapy. I'm somewhat nervous because I'll be a full-time student again. I haven't done that since I was a Fine Arts major at SUNY New Paltz. We all know how THAT turned out (and if you don't, I had to drop out of New Paltz and became very sick, a few hospitals, etc...). I obviously won't be in IOP at Canopy Cove, so I guess I'll have more time for school. I just hope I don't get overwhelmed and have to drop out again. That would send all my goals down the drain.
But I have the tools now. I didn't before.
If you have read my blog right before this, I'm sure you're wondering how my little date went. It actually went pretty well. We got along good and he's been texting and calling me since then. (Which is an upgrade from some people I've dated). He took me out to dinner and invited me over to watch some football. The only problems are that (a) he isn't religious and (b) he's pretty pushy in the physical activity department. I know I'm not going to marry this guy because the religion thing is a deal breaker and being pushy is a BAD sign. But I guess it's okay to go out on some dates and just have fun. I mean, I am a college student. I won't ever find my perfect match by sitting home alone. I need to get out and do things, and as long as I'm protecting my heart, then there is no harm. And with him, I HAVE protected my heart. It's just that other fella who I still absolutely adore. Gah! Boys!
My eating disorder has been very bi-polar lately. The other day I did excellent. I ate all my meals and I stayed busy afterwards. But today has just been horrible. Behaviors really snuck in and the only real good job I did today was dinner because Malcom, his friend and I went to Panera. (Where we happily visited Carly!) Anyway, tomorrow IS a new day, right?
And I DO have those tools to recover!
Friday, October 21, 2011
For me, it isn't over
Karen called me yesterday at 5:03pm. That's something I like about Canopy Cove; they always work overtime. Anyway, she called me to let me know that my insurance wants to drop me of my coverage of Canopy Cove. She said I have 4 options: Try to appeal, see Dr. Jeter (whom my insurance doesnt cover so it would be $160 per session), see Dr. Brogdon (whom my insurance DOES cover), or see another therapist in the community. Ugh! So many mixed emotions. Every other time I have been in treatment, I basically count down the days until my insurance bails on me. But today I feel in shambles.
I knew that at some point, my time at Canopy Cove would have to come to an end. But when will I EVER be ready to take off the training wheels of Canopy Cove and do everything on my own? I certainly don't feel like I am now. Behaviors are still a weekly thing, not to mention the awful thoughts that still dance in my head.
As for my options, I told Karen to try to appeal. I do still benefit from the meals together and the groups, and obviously the individual therapy with Dr. Jeter. I love Dr. Brogdon, but I haven't had an individual with her in over a year! And I have a connection with Dr. Jeter. She knows me in and out. She knows all my flaws and weaknesses. She knows about Malcom. She knows about my family. And sure, Dr. Brogdon knows all of this too, but no one could replace Dr. Jeter. If I am unable to get my appeal, then I will see Dr. Brogdon for individual because she is still a part of Canopy Cove. I wouldn't have to re-live all my stories and such like I would if I had to see another therapist in the community.
As for other news, school is a big pain in the butt. I asked one of my professors for an extension on a paper because I was unable to get it done over the weekend. It was in fact a stressful weekend. One of my closest friends was struggling alot and because I love her so much, I wanted to be there for her. She's doing better now, after lots of prayers! =)
Boy news is stagnant. Malcom came over the other night. I was kind of a weird, actually. He finally Facebook friended me! Only problem is, I have a few pictures up from when I was very sick. He now knows about the eating disorder, which he actually took pretty well. But I told him, "I don't want you to see me from when I was really sick". So he goes, "Well, we're friends now so I'm going to see them anyway". (Typical stubborn guy). So, I showed him and he says, "Oh my goodness! That's crazy! I hate it when people do that to themselves because I've seen too many people get sick from NOT doing anything to themselves."
It makes sense. He has a family history of cancer and he's lost some loved ones from it. He kept asking why I "did this to myself". And I couldn't really give him a good answer. So I kinda just let it go. And the next day I sent him a link to a really good website, http://www.something-fishy.org/ . He later thanked me for it and apologized for seeming mean.
WHY IS HE SO AMAZING?!!! And why can't I be his freaking "type"?
There's this other dude that I met the other day at Starbucks. He randomly came up to me and asked if I had an iPhone. I told him I did, and he went to show me this pretty neat app that HE invented. I was impressed and he seemed nice, so I gave him my number when he asked. He called me today and I might meet up with him later. I'm sure if he's a winner, I'll report back.
And so the title of this blog IS relevant. Nothing is over. Not for me at least. Not my time at Canopy Cove, not my adoration for Malcom, not my search for a perfect match. I guess the question is: Will any of this ever be over?
I knew that at some point, my time at Canopy Cove would have to come to an end. But when will I EVER be ready to take off the training wheels of Canopy Cove and do everything on my own? I certainly don't feel like I am now. Behaviors are still a weekly thing, not to mention the awful thoughts that still dance in my head.
As for my options, I told Karen to try to appeal. I do still benefit from the meals together and the groups, and obviously the individual therapy with Dr. Jeter. I love Dr. Brogdon, but I haven't had an individual with her in over a year! And I have a connection with Dr. Jeter. She knows me in and out. She knows all my flaws and weaknesses. She knows about Malcom. She knows about my family. And sure, Dr. Brogdon knows all of this too, but no one could replace Dr. Jeter. If I am unable to get my appeal, then I will see Dr. Brogdon for individual because she is still a part of Canopy Cove. I wouldn't have to re-live all my stories and such like I would if I had to see another therapist in the community.
As for other news, school is a big pain in the butt. I asked one of my professors for an extension on a paper because I was unable to get it done over the weekend. It was in fact a stressful weekend. One of my closest friends was struggling alot and because I love her so much, I wanted to be there for her. She's doing better now, after lots of prayers! =)
Boy news is stagnant. Malcom came over the other night. I was kind of a weird, actually. He finally Facebook friended me! Only problem is, I have a few pictures up from when I was very sick. He now knows about the eating disorder, which he actually took pretty well. But I told him, "I don't want you to see me from when I was really sick". So he goes, "Well, we're friends now so I'm going to see them anyway". (Typical stubborn guy). So, I showed him and he says, "Oh my goodness! That's crazy! I hate it when people do that to themselves because I've seen too many people get sick from NOT doing anything to themselves."
It makes sense. He has a family history of cancer and he's lost some loved ones from it. He kept asking why I "did this to myself". And I couldn't really give him a good answer. So I kinda just let it go. And the next day I sent him a link to a really good website, http://www.something-fishy.org/ . He later thanked me for it and apologized for seeming mean.
WHY IS HE SO AMAZING?!!! And why can't I be his freaking "type"?
There's this other dude that I met the other day at Starbucks. He randomly came up to me and asked if I had an iPhone. I told him I did, and he went to show me this pretty neat app that HE invented. I was impressed and he seemed nice, so I gave him my number when he asked. He called me today and I might meet up with him later. I'm sure if he's a winner, I'll report back.
And so the title of this blog IS relevant. Nothing is over. Not for me at least. Not my time at Canopy Cove, not my adoration for Malcom, not my search for a perfect match. I guess the question is: Will any of this ever be over?
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Stuck Like Glue
I suppose an update is in order.
I talked to a friend yesterday about this, and it actually really applies to me right now. I just feel like I'm stuck in life, in my eating disorder life, in my work life, in my school life, just in every aspect of my life. I'm not doing anything spectacular and I'm not 100% satisfied with where I'm at in my life.
Dr. Jeter always asks me, "Is this how you expected recovery to be like? Did you think it would be better or worse? More or less fulfilling?" I guess when I was sick, I had this vision of my "recovered life". It was a perfect world. I would have a boyfriend. I'd be getting A's all the time. I would work a full time job and not need my parents financially anymore. I would easily eat anywhere, anything. Etc...
But right now? "recovered life" (Or should I say "recovering life") is just plain sad. Does that mean I'm not recovered? Probably. I still have urges, thoughts, behaviors. But I feel like it should be alot more satisfying than it is.
I've been struggling with this eating disorder for almost a decade. And I've been receiving treatment for just about that long also (whether it be therapy, partial programs, medication, inpatient facilities). I know I've mentioned this before in my blog, but I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE DONE WITH THIS!!! Shouldn't I be better by now? I just celebrated my 23rd birthday and I just feel like such a failure. A majority of my friends are already in graduate school, when my sister was this age, she already was married and had a baby, and then there's me: the girl who is just sagging behind everyone in life, can't get her act together and STILL struggles with behaviors after nearly 10 years of treatment. I wonder if other people think the same thing about me. Why can't she just finish school? Why can't she just eat? Why can't she just STAY at a healthy weight? Why can't she just be happy?
So when it comes to Dr. Jeter's question, the answer is "No". This is NOT what I expected recovering life to be like. I expected a much more utopic, flawless life.
As for everything else going on in my life, well, its pretty much at a standstill. Nothings getting better, and nothings getting worse. Malcom is still in the picture. Although my heart is eagerly attatching to him, without anything in return. My head knows what I keep getting myself into with him, but my heart just longs for anything. I think that a man's lack of complexity makes them even more confusing to women. We over-analyze everything, and make everything into drama that doesn't call for it. But we're women- we nurture and long for love. So, of course, my heart is attatched to the guy. He has shown me affection. At one time. And I'm just yearning for that affection once again. Ohhhh boys.....
My eating patterns are all messed up. I met with Ashlee about 2 weeks ago to try to straighten them out, and thats helped some. Can I use the excuses of late nights, work and school to not follow a schedule? Healthy thoughts say no, but my eating disorder likes to say yes.
I talked to a friend yesterday about this, and it actually really applies to me right now. I just feel like I'm stuck in life, in my eating disorder life, in my work life, in my school life, just in every aspect of my life. I'm not doing anything spectacular and I'm not 100% satisfied with where I'm at in my life.
Dr. Jeter always asks me, "Is this how you expected recovery to be like? Did you think it would be better or worse? More or less fulfilling?" I guess when I was sick, I had this vision of my "recovered life". It was a perfect world. I would have a boyfriend. I'd be getting A's all the time. I would work a full time job and not need my parents financially anymore. I would easily eat anywhere, anything. Etc...
But right now? "recovered life" (Or should I say "recovering life") is just plain sad. Does that mean I'm not recovered? Probably. I still have urges, thoughts, behaviors. But I feel like it should be alot more satisfying than it is.
I've been struggling with this eating disorder for almost a decade. And I've been receiving treatment for just about that long also (whether it be therapy, partial programs, medication, inpatient facilities). I know I've mentioned this before in my blog, but I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE DONE WITH THIS!!! Shouldn't I be better by now? I just celebrated my 23rd birthday and I just feel like such a failure. A majority of my friends are already in graduate school, when my sister was this age, she already was married and had a baby, and then there's me: the girl who is just sagging behind everyone in life, can't get her act together and STILL struggles with behaviors after nearly 10 years of treatment. I wonder if other people think the same thing about me. Why can't she just finish school? Why can't she just eat? Why can't she just STAY at a healthy weight? Why can't she just be happy?
So when it comes to Dr. Jeter's question, the answer is "No". This is NOT what I expected recovering life to be like. I expected a much more utopic, flawless life.
As for everything else going on in my life, well, its pretty much at a standstill. Nothings getting better, and nothings getting worse. Malcom is still in the picture. Although my heart is eagerly attatching to him, without anything in return. My head knows what I keep getting myself into with him, but my heart just longs for anything. I think that a man's lack of complexity makes them even more confusing to women. We over-analyze everything, and make everything into drama that doesn't call for it. But we're women- we nurture and long for love. So, of course, my heart is attatched to the guy. He has shown me affection. At one time. And I'm just yearning for that affection once again. Ohhhh boys.....
My eating patterns are all messed up. I met with Ashlee about 2 weeks ago to try to straighten them out, and thats helped some. Can I use the excuses of late nights, work and school to not follow a schedule? Healthy thoughts say no, but my eating disorder likes to say yes.
Friday, October 7, 2011
50 Reasons Why I Hate Eating Disorders
Sometimes I need a list of reasons why to HATE the eating disorder, especially when loving it seems so easy. I hope this helps.
1) They can KILL you.
2) There's nothing attractive about pertruding ribs/ collar bones/ hip bones/ bones in general.
3) Being freezing cold in the summer isn't fun.
4) It's embarrassing to carry around a cushion in case you sit somewhere hard. Butts have fat on them for a reason.
5) Your parents shouldn't have to feed you at age 21.
6) Baggy clothes aren't fashionable.
7) Buying clothes in the "little girls" section might be necessary to wear something that fits you, but it's embarrassing when you're 21.
8) Try not being able to concentrate on anything besides weight, numbers and calories during a test for school.
9) It's inconvenient to carry around a tablespoon of milk to put in your coffee when you go out to Starbucks just because you know EXACTLY how many calories are in it.
10) You might have "friends" but you don't see them. EVER....
11) ....the only people you DO see are doctors, therapists and dieticians.
12) It's costly to buy organic/ single serve portions/ diet foods/ fat free things.
13) Losing your period may be nice...until you realize it might make you unable to have babies.
14) Getting a lymph node removed and biopsied because they stick out so much is painful.
15) You are embarrassed to smile because you don't have any fat in your cheeks so when you smile you just have "old lady" lines.
16) Forget cleaning up or rearranging the furniture in your room. Your Mother and Father will tell you not to because you may burn too many calories.
17) Being late to class because you have to take the elevator because you literally have no muscle to walk up stairs isn't fun.
18) The only leisure reading you will do will be fat grams, DV% of fiber, sodium content and ingredients in food.
19) Playing sports? Forget it. You now have osteoporosis.
20) Boys aren't attracted to you. You look like a 12 year old.
21) You can count on one hand how many days you haven't cried in the past 2 years.
22) People question why you have a handicap tag.
23) Babysitting your nephew is out of the question because you don't have enough strength to pick him up if he were to fall.
24) Cashiers and shoppers stare when you spend 2 hours in the grocery store and don't buy anything.
25) Women aren't supposed to lose their hair in handfuls.
26) Wearing long spandex under your jeans in the Spring makes it difficult to pee.
27) Going to a urologist because your bladder muscles have deteriorated isn't supposed to happen when you're 21.
28) Having a car in your driveway that you can no longer drive is just a tease.
29) Holidays are a nightmare to even think about. Thanksgiving is like D-Day. And you'll feel bad your family can't celebrate because you won't.
30) Lanugo is just plain ugly.
31) Hauling a wheelchair around for you is inconvenient for your parents.
32) What sex drive?
33) Even the comfiest bed won't do. You'll have to buy extra padding to support your bones.
34) School might have to be put on hold, which means you won't graduate with your friends.
35) Eating a meal can take several hours.
36) Eating in front of people will be a huge fear.
37) You will assume everyone is judging you. And they probably are.
38) Death or eating seem like your only 2 options. There are times when you'll want to pick death.
39) You will be afraid that if you let your therapist read your journal, they might stick you in a psychiatric ward.
40) Family members will NEVER stop saying how much they want you to get help. And the more they say it, the more you put it off.
41) Eating disorders are competitive.
42) If you're not a "hat person", it sucks to find one that will cover up your balding spots.
43) Not working a job may seem nice, but its not when you're 21 years old.
44) People WILL talk about weight, calories, sizes, and when they do you will compare yourself to them.
45) You won't be happy unless you're the skinniest in a room at any given time.
46) Dehydration causes headaches.
47) You will feel bad when you're parents have to adjust their work hours to accomodate you and your eating schedule or "bad days".
48) No one wants a sister/ friend/ daughter that seems to be possessed by a demon.
49) Vacations? Ha! You might not go on one for years. Which makes your family miss out too.
50) It's difficult to shower sitting down, but you have to so you don't burn too many calories.
The list will be never-ending. You tell me some other reasons....
1) They can KILL you.
2) There's nothing attractive about pertruding ribs/ collar bones/ hip bones/ bones in general.
3) Being freezing cold in the summer isn't fun.
4) It's embarrassing to carry around a cushion in case you sit somewhere hard. Butts have fat on them for a reason.
5) Your parents shouldn't have to feed you at age 21.
6) Baggy clothes aren't fashionable.
7) Buying clothes in the "little girls" section might be necessary to wear something that fits you, but it's embarrassing when you're 21.
8) Try not being able to concentrate on anything besides weight, numbers and calories during a test for school.
9) It's inconvenient to carry around a tablespoon of milk to put in your coffee when you go out to Starbucks just because you know EXACTLY how many calories are in it.
10) You might have "friends" but you don't see them. EVER....
11) ....the only people you DO see are doctors, therapists and dieticians.
12) It's costly to buy organic/ single serve portions/ diet foods/ fat free things.
13) Losing your period may be nice...until you realize it might make you unable to have babies.
14) Getting a lymph node removed and biopsied because they stick out so much is painful.
15) You are embarrassed to smile because you don't have any fat in your cheeks so when you smile you just have "old lady" lines.
16) Forget cleaning up or rearranging the furniture in your room. Your Mother and Father will tell you not to because you may burn too many calories.
17) Being late to class because you have to take the elevator because you literally have no muscle to walk up stairs isn't fun.
18) The only leisure reading you will do will be fat grams, DV% of fiber, sodium content and ingredients in food.
19) Playing sports? Forget it. You now have osteoporosis.
20) Boys aren't attracted to you. You look like a 12 year old.
21) You can count on one hand how many days you haven't cried in the past 2 years.
22) People question why you have a handicap tag.
23) Babysitting your nephew is out of the question because you don't have enough strength to pick him up if he were to fall.
24) Cashiers and shoppers stare when you spend 2 hours in the grocery store and don't buy anything.
25) Women aren't supposed to lose their hair in handfuls.
26) Wearing long spandex under your jeans in the Spring makes it difficult to pee.
27) Going to a urologist because your bladder muscles have deteriorated isn't supposed to happen when you're 21.
28) Having a car in your driveway that you can no longer drive is just a tease.
29) Holidays are a nightmare to even think about. Thanksgiving is like D-Day. And you'll feel bad your family can't celebrate because you won't.
30) Lanugo is just plain ugly.
31) Hauling a wheelchair around for you is inconvenient for your parents.
32) What sex drive?
33) Even the comfiest bed won't do. You'll have to buy extra padding to support your bones.
34) School might have to be put on hold, which means you won't graduate with your friends.
35) Eating a meal can take several hours.
36) Eating in front of people will be a huge fear.
37) You will assume everyone is judging you. And they probably are.
38) Death or eating seem like your only 2 options. There are times when you'll want to pick death.
39) You will be afraid that if you let your therapist read your journal, they might stick you in a psychiatric ward.
40) Family members will NEVER stop saying how much they want you to get help. And the more they say it, the more you put it off.
41) Eating disorders are competitive.
42) If you're not a "hat person", it sucks to find one that will cover up your balding spots.
43) Not working a job may seem nice, but its not when you're 21 years old.
44) People WILL talk about weight, calories, sizes, and when they do you will compare yourself to them.
45) You won't be happy unless you're the skinniest in a room at any given time.
46) Dehydration causes headaches.
47) You will feel bad when you're parents have to adjust their work hours to accomodate you and your eating schedule or "bad days".
48) No one wants a sister/ friend/ daughter that seems to be possessed by a demon.
49) Vacations? Ha! You might not go on one for years. Which makes your family miss out too.
50) It's difficult to shower sitting down, but you have to so you don't burn too many calories.
The list will be never-ending. You tell me some other reasons....
Friday, September 23, 2011
It's beyond eating when you're hungry & stopping when you're full...
Let's talk about intuitive eating, shall we?
I bought a book a few years back. It was actually in the dieting section, so if you're triggered by some of those books, I suggest you order it online or something. It's called Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch (both RDs). It was a very good book because, well, basically everyone should aim to eat intuitively.
Anyway, what is intuitive eating? According to the website http://www.intuitiveeating.org/, it is "an approach that teaches you how to create a healthy relationship with your FOOD, MIND & BODY- where you ultimately become the expert of your own body." This seems like such a hard feat for someone recovering from an eating disorder. "Expert of your own body"? If we want to be an expert on something, don't we have to at least like it? We have been so disconnected from our bodies for so long- we have been tricked, decieved, lied to by the eating disorder- so how are we supposed to learn what our bodies need? If I've learned anything from being in treatment for nearly 15 months, its that RECOVERY TAKES TIME. I know that so many times I have let the eating disorder tell me that I'm a failure for still struggling after 15 months of treatment. Why can't I be better yet? What is wrong with me? Will I EVER not struggle? Or will I suffer in some way for the rest of my life? But I always come back to this: I was sick for so long, that recovery might take a while too.
"My worst day in recovery is better than my best day in relapse."
Back to the book: When I can eat intuitively, I will be able to distinguish between emotional and physical feelings. I will gain a sense of "body wisdom". AHA! Isn't that key? They always say that "it has nothing to do with the food". Maybe they're right. Intuitive eating is making PEACE WITH FOOD. Not labeling it as "good or bad". It's about hearing and responding to my inner body cues. When you think about it (and I often do), what population eats the best? BABIES AND TODDLERS. Seriously. Watch them eat sometime. They were born with that inner wisdom to listen to their bodies. You and I were born with it too. I guess I just have to connect with my inner child.
I really suggest you check out the website. But if you can't, here's some principles to pay attention to:
10 Intuitive Eating Principles
1) Reject the "diet" mentality.
2) Honor your hunger.
3) Make peace with food.
4) Challenge the food police.
5) Respect your fullness.
6) Discover the satisfaction factor.
7) Honor your feelings without using food (or lack thereof).
8) Respect your body.
9) Excerise- feel it, don't just do it.
10) Honor your health.
So how are we supposed to know when we're ready to eat intuitively? Because let's be honest: someone who is just starting out treatment is not ready to rely on their body cues because their cues have been skewed so much by the eating disorder. We actually had a group with Ashlee (AO!) on this. She gave us some indicators on how to know when we're ready for intuitive eating. If you're thinking about taking this challenge upon yourself, you should probably check these off as you go. See if you're ready.
-Able to tolerate risks with eating.
-Able to tolerate being uncomfortable (trying new food challenges can be temporarily uncomfortable).
-Recognize (and manage) needs and feelings.
-Value self-care.
-Recognize vulnerability.
All in all, no one wants to be on a meal plan for the rest of their lives. Intuitive eating is possible, even for those recovering from an eating disorder. It might take time...lots of time. But don't get frustrated.
Now I feel like I just wrote an essay on intuitive eating. Sorry if I bored you, but I think this stuff is important. Especially for those who have been in treatment for a while. If you want to know where I am in all of this, I am happy to tell you. I no longer follow a "meal plan". I know what I'm supposed to have (this many breads, so and so fats, X amount of fruits, etc...), but I don't fill out an intake form or anything anymore, even when I still go to Canopy Cove. I guess I just try to have something from each exchange at every meal, and then as far as snacks, I kind of just have what I'm craving. Ashlee told me to have at least 2 different exchanges for snacks. Sure, I'm still afraid of fats and there are definitely foods that I avoid out of fear. I still need to work on my food challenges for sure. But I can say that I am proud of myself for the strides I've made with lessening my worries and anxieties around food. I have literally been measuring food for years. Sometimes, in my extremely sick days, I would measure things at least 3 times just to be safe. But I'm happy to say that I've drastically reduced my measuring! I only really measure things like fats and cottage cheese, rice, and milk. When I first got to Canopy Cove, I told Ashlee that I never could picture myself NOT measuring foods and drinks. But little by little I stopped. I first started with not measuring vegetables, then fruits, etc... And I have faith that you can do it too. Just trust yourself a little! Trust your inner child. Because your inner child has the wisdom you need to balance your food, body and mind!
I bought a book a few years back. It was actually in the dieting section, so if you're triggered by some of those books, I suggest you order it online or something. It's called Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch (both RDs). It was a very good book because, well, basically everyone should aim to eat intuitively.
Anyway, what is intuitive eating? According to the website http://www.intuitiveeating.org/, it is "an approach that teaches you how to create a healthy relationship with your FOOD, MIND & BODY- where you ultimately become the expert of your own body." This seems like such a hard feat for someone recovering from an eating disorder. "Expert of your own body"? If we want to be an expert on something, don't we have to at least like it? We have been so disconnected from our bodies for so long- we have been tricked, decieved, lied to by the eating disorder- so how are we supposed to learn what our bodies need? If I've learned anything from being in treatment for nearly 15 months, its that RECOVERY TAKES TIME. I know that so many times I have let the eating disorder tell me that I'm a failure for still struggling after 15 months of treatment. Why can't I be better yet? What is wrong with me? Will I EVER not struggle? Or will I suffer in some way for the rest of my life? But I always come back to this: I was sick for so long, that recovery might take a while too.
"My worst day in recovery is better than my best day in relapse."
Back to the book: When I can eat intuitively, I will be able to distinguish between emotional and physical feelings. I will gain a sense of "body wisdom". AHA! Isn't that key? They always say that "it has nothing to do with the food". Maybe they're right. Intuitive eating is making PEACE WITH FOOD. Not labeling it as "good or bad". It's about hearing and responding to my inner body cues. When you think about it (and I often do), what population eats the best? BABIES AND TODDLERS. Seriously. Watch them eat sometime. They were born with that inner wisdom to listen to their bodies. You and I were born with it too. I guess I just have to connect with my inner child.
I really suggest you check out the website. But if you can't, here's some principles to pay attention to:
10 Intuitive Eating Principles
1) Reject the "diet" mentality.
2) Honor your hunger.
3) Make peace with food.
4) Challenge the food police.
5) Respect your fullness.
6) Discover the satisfaction factor.
7) Honor your feelings without using food (or lack thereof).
8) Respect your body.
9) Excerise- feel it, don't just do it.
10) Honor your health.
So how are we supposed to know when we're ready to eat intuitively? Because let's be honest: someone who is just starting out treatment is not ready to rely on their body cues because their cues have been skewed so much by the eating disorder. We actually had a group with Ashlee (AO!) on this. She gave us some indicators on how to know when we're ready for intuitive eating. If you're thinking about taking this challenge upon yourself, you should probably check these off as you go. See if you're ready.
-Able to tolerate risks with eating.
-Able to tolerate being uncomfortable (trying new food challenges can be temporarily uncomfortable).
-Recognize (and manage) needs and feelings.
-Value self-care.
-Recognize vulnerability.
All in all, no one wants to be on a meal plan for the rest of their lives. Intuitive eating is possible, even for those recovering from an eating disorder. It might take time...lots of time. But don't get frustrated.
Now I feel like I just wrote an essay on intuitive eating. Sorry if I bored you, but I think this stuff is important. Especially for those who have been in treatment for a while. If you want to know where I am in all of this, I am happy to tell you. I no longer follow a "meal plan". I know what I'm supposed to have (this many breads, so and so fats, X amount of fruits, etc...), but I don't fill out an intake form or anything anymore, even when I still go to Canopy Cove. I guess I just try to have something from each exchange at every meal, and then as far as snacks, I kind of just have what I'm craving. Ashlee told me to have at least 2 different exchanges for snacks. Sure, I'm still afraid of fats and there are definitely foods that I avoid out of fear. I still need to work on my food challenges for sure. But I can say that I am proud of myself for the strides I've made with lessening my worries and anxieties around food. I have literally been measuring food for years. Sometimes, in my extremely sick days, I would measure things at least 3 times just to be safe. But I'm happy to say that I've drastically reduced my measuring! I only really measure things like fats and cottage cheese, rice, and milk. When I first got to Canopy Cove, I told Ashlee that I never could picture myself NOT measuring foods and drinks. But little by little I stopped. I first started with not measuring vegetables, then fruits, etc... And I have faith that you can do it too. Just trust yourself a little! Trust your inner child. Because your inner child has the wisdom you need to balance your food, body and mind!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Who's In The Driver's Seat?
I feel like I only really post when something bad is happening. Lucky for you, I'm posting today despite not having anything bad happening. I tell you, ever since I've limited my time with Malcom, things have become alot easier. My behaviors have decreased, my time isn't spent worrying and analyzing everything that has to do with him, and it's been 9 days since I've cut. Yay!
Of course, there are other stressors that always creep in. But most of my stressors now are "normal people" stressors, not "eating disorder" stressors. What do I mean by normal people stressors? School, boys, finances. You know? Those things.
I had program at Canopy Cove on Monday. Unfortunately, Monday was a big eating disorder thought day. And today, well todays been pretty good. Carly invited me to Panera for "Family & Friends" day. I had dinner there. I met exchanges and didn't over eat by any means, but I'm still feeling really full and guilty. I guess I get that guilt whenever I eat out at a restaurant. Something about not having all the control. And we both know eating disorders are partially about control!
I guess giving up that control is key to recovery. (Along with other things). Why do people with eating disorders feel they are SO in control? We aren't at all. The eating disorder is.
Many times I've been asked by therapists, "Well why do you want to be sick?"
"It's comfortable. And familiar. And I like having control over my weight, food, calories, exercise."
There are other reasons too, but for the sake of your time I will get into that later.
Sure, we might have control of our calories and what we eat, and how much we exercise. But who is controlling our thoughts? The eating disorder! Ultimately, don't our thoughts control our actions (eating, not eating, etc...)? Therefore, the eating disorder is controlling our actions indirectly. So the eating disorder is in control. Boo to that!
When going into treatment, I guess we have no other choice than to give our control up. We are kind of forced into trusting complete strangers to completely change our lives and tell us what to eat and how to communicate, blah blah blah. But I'm curious at what point are we truly ready to take back our control? To take back control of our lives? Is it when we gain a certain number of pounds? Is it when we don't use food rituals? Is it when we no longer rely on food, or lack thereof, to determine our day? As a person with an eating disorder, will I ever be able to fully control my life without a smidgen of anorexia? I guess thats the ultimate goal.
Of course, there are other stressors that always creep in. But most of my stressors now are "normal people" stressors, not "eating disorder" stressors. What do I mean by normal people stressors? School, boys, finances. You know? Those things.
I had program at Canopy Cove on Monday. Unfortunately, Monday was a big eating disorder thought day. And today, well todays been pretty good. Carly invited me to Panera for "Family & Friends" day. I had dinner there. I met exchanges and didn't over eat by any means, but I'm still feeling really full and guilty. I guess I get that guilt whenever I eat out at a restaurant. Something about not having all the control. And we both know eating disorders are partially about control!
I guess giving up that control is key to recovery. (Along with other things). Why do people with eating disorders feel they are SO in control? We aren't at all. The eating disorder is.
Many times I've been asked by therapists, "Well why do you want to be sick?"
"It's comfortable. And familiar. And I like having control over my weight, food, calories, exercise."
There are other reasons too, but for the sake of your time I will get into that later.
Sure, we might have control of our calories and what we eat, and how much we exercise. But who is controlling our thoughts? The eating disorder! Ultimately, don't our thoughts control our actions (eating, not eating, etc...)? Therefore, the eating disorder is controlling our actions indirectly. So the eating disorder is in control. Boo to that!
When going into treatment, I guess we have no other choice than to give our control up. We are kind of forced into trusting complete strangers to completely change our lives and tell us what to eat and how to communicate, blah blah blah. But I'm curious at what point are we truly ready to take back our control? To take back control of our lives? Is it when we gain a certain number of pounds? Is it when we don't use food rituals? Is it when we no longer rely on food, or lack thereof, to determine our day? As a person with an eating disorder, will I ever be able to fully control my life without a smidgen of anorexia? I guess thats the ultimate goal.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Stand
I wish I had something interesting to talk about, but I really don't. I haven't been doing excellent, but I haven't been doing horribly either. I guess thats a good thing. I've been able to keep busy with school work and my job but those eating disorder behaviors like to creep in whenever they want.
I realized today that I tend to have the most trouble when I get stuck in a rut, especially with certain foods. Certain "safe foods". So today I decided to go to the grocery store and do some branching out. I spent an hour in Publix (among all the FSU tailgaters buying beer for the Oklahoma game today). I carried around my little basket and picked up things that I have been too afraid to eat. Cous cous (which is fun to say), bread pudding, stuff to make smoothies, and a ball of fresh mozzarella were some of the experiments in my basket. We'll see how my new food items work out.
On a lighter note, I came across this really excellent song by Lenny Kravitz called "Stand". I hope you all find it as inspiring as I do.
Stand by Lenny Kravitz
I realized today that I tend to have the most trouble when I get stuck in a rut, especially with certain foods. Certain "safe foods". So today I decided to go to the grocery store and do some branching out. I spent an hour in Publix (among all the FSU tailgaters buying beer for the Oklahoma game today). I carried around my little basket and picked up things that I have been too afraid to eat. Cous cous (which is fun to say), bread pudding, stuff to make smoothies, and a ball of fresh mozzarella were some of the experiments in my basket. We'll see how my new food items work out.
On a lighter note, I came across this really excellent song by Lenny Kravitz called "Stand". I hope you all find it as inspiring as I do.
Stand by Lenny Kravitz
Don't give up,
You're gonna see tomorrow
That you'll be on your feet again
Sometimes the world's gonna knock you over
But you will see who you are your friends
Come on, stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Your faith and patience will be your soldiers
To guide you through your troubled times
Just put one foot in front of the other
The battles are inside your mind
You have the power to face your demons
No matter how they go on time
And rid yourself of your fear and weakness
So you can start to live your life
COME ON! Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
COME ON! Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Pick up your will
And put on your face
If you need to, just take my hand
It's time to demonstrate, don't hesitate
Just get up and say: Yes, I can
Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again.
You're gonna see tomorrow
That you'll be on your feet again
Sometimes the world's gonna knock you over
But you will see who you are your friends
Come on, stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Your faith and patience will be your soldiers
To guide you through your troubled times
Just put one foot in front of the other
The battles are inside your mind
You have the power to face your demons
No matter how they go on time
And rid yourself of your fear and weakness
So you can start to live your life
COME ON! Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
COME ON! Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Pick up your will
And put on your face
If you need to, just take my hand
It's time to demonstrate, don't hesitate
Just get up and say: Yes, I can
Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Lady in Waiting
I can honestly say today that I am content with how things are right now. That's not to say tomorrow might be better or worse. But for now, I'm okay. And the real okay, not the I'm saying I'm okay but I'm really dying inside okay.
I woke up early this morning and made it a priority to have breakfast. I was actually hungry when I woke up. I did my usual body-checking routine in my unfortunate full length mirror. Dissatisfied. I still haven't gotten used to having a normal, convex looking stomach. I still long for that concave, hungry stomach at times. Some days I let the body-checking dictate my day. But today I did not. Breakfast, check. I usually put off showering directly after breakfast (or any meal) for two reasons: to stay out of the bathroom so I don't use behaviors and so I don't have to see myself naked. My body is still a foreign object to me. Today I had things to do, however, so I had to hop in the shower post-breakfast. I showered as quickly as possible and went on my merry way to see my math professor.
I went to Canopy Cove for program today. It was actually a decent day. I had lunch with everyone, which always helps. Then I had a moving session with Dr. Jeter. We talked alot about Malcom and the decisions I've made with him. We talked about God and my relationship with Him. And, get ready for it, we talked about marriage.
I've always known I want to be married and have at least one child by the time I'm 30, but we came to the conclusion today that if I were to meet the right person tomorrow, I wouldn't be opposed to getting married a year from now! That doesn't mean that I want to rush into anything, but I'm ready, SO ready to be in a committed, monogomous relationship. Of course I want to get my degree and do things like travel before I have babies, but maybe I'll find a partner who will want to join me in my adventures. Dr. Jeter said I should make clear what I want with any potential boyfriend early in the relationship.
It's hard living in a college town and meeting a decent, loving, respectful man who isn't just interested in, well, sex. By no means am I "old" but I am older than alot of student in this town (considering a majority of people my age are already graduated from college, but I'm sure I'll address that in another blog someday) and it's hard to find someone MY age who want the same things I want, or kind of like it says in the bible, "yoked like me". It says that believers should not be yoked with unbelievers, but I also think that we should be yoked with people of similar interests, morals, values, etc...
After that intense session, we had some groups with Ashlee and Dawn. I asked Ashlee a question that has been invading my mind lately, "You and everybody always says how we should listen to our bodies and honor our bodies, but why should we (us eating disorder clients) eat when we aren't even hungry?". Her answer was that it's ideal to eat intuitively but now, while we are in recovery, we can't necessarily rely on our hunger cues because they are so skewed. Many times we are just emotionally full, and we need to nourish our bodies despite that "fullness". So there ya go.
Nothing too exciting happened today, so you might be wondering why I'm "okay" after a wretched weekend like this past weekend. And the answer is that I realized today that somewhere in the world, there is my match. My mate. And he is just as frustrated as me in regards to finding ME. He will find me. I'm sure of it. And until then, I'm okay.
I woke up early this morning and made it a priority to have breakfast. I was actually hungry when I woke up. I did my usual body-checking routine in my unfortunate full length mirror. Dissatisfied. I still haven't gotten used to having a normal, convex looking stomach. I still long for that concave, hungry stomach at times. Some days I let the body-checking dictate my day. But today I did not. Breakfast, check. I usually put off showering directly after breakfast (or any meal) for two reasons: to stay out of the bathroom so I don't use behaviors and so I don't have to see myself naked. My body is still a foreign object to me. Today I had things to do, however, so I had to hop in the shower post-breakfast. I showered as quickly as possible and went on my merry way to see my math professor.
I went to Canopy Cove for program today. It was actually a decent day. I had lunch with everyone, which always helps. Then I had a moving session with Dr. Jeter. We talked alot about Malcom and the decisions I've made with him. We talked about God and my relationship with Him. And, get ready for it, we talked about marriage.
I've always known I want to be married and have at least one child by the time I'm 30, but we came to the conclusion today that if I were to meet the right person tomorrow, I wouldn't be opposed to getting married a year from now! That doesn't mean that I want to rush into anything, but I'm ready, SO ready to be in a committed, monogomous relationship. Of course I want to get my degree and do things like travel before I have babies, but maybe I'll find a partner who will want to join me in my adventures. Dr. Jeter said I should make clear what I want with any potential boyfriend early in the relationship.
It's hard living in a college town and meeting a decent, loving, respectful man who isn't just interested in, well, sex. By no means am I "old" but I am older than alot of student in this town (considering a majority of people my age are already graduated from college, but I'm sure I'll address that in another blog someday) and it's hard to find someone MY age who want the same things I want, or kind of like it says in the bible, "yoked like me". It says that believers should not be yoked with unbelievers, but I also think that we should be yoked with people of similar interests, morals, values, etc...
After that intense session, we had some groups with Ashlee and Dawn. I asked Ashlee a question that has been invading my mind lately, "You and everybody always says how we should listen to our bodies and honor our bodies, but why should we (us eating disorder clients) eat when we aren't even hungry?". Her answer was that it's ideal to eat intuitively but now, while we are in recovery, we can't necessarily rely on our hunger cues because they are so skewed. Many times we are just emotionally full, and we need to nourish our bodies despite that "fullness". So there ya go.
Nothing too exciting happened today, so you might be wondering why I'm "okay" after a wretched weekend like this past weekend. And the answer is that I realized today that somewhere in the world, there is my match. My mate. And he is just as frustrated as me in regards to finding ME. He will find me. I'm sure of it. And until then, I'm okay.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
iPhones, Football & Triscuits. Oh My!
I'm happy to report that today was an extreme 360 degree turn from yesterday. For one, I actually declined an invitation from Malcom to hang out. Yes, my excuse was that I was asleep (and it was true). But I actually felt good about it. I woke up early this morning and was eager to start my day. First thing was first: I had to eat breakfast. It was really hard this morning. I had that empty feeling in my body, probably from all of the restricting yesterday. But I always hate to interrupt that feeling. It's such a comfortable feeling. However, I know what this feeling means. It means I need to eat breakfast. So I did.
Meds were next on the list. I'm not sure why I have such a hard time taking my meds. I always remember them, I just never want to actually take them. I think it's kind of a self-care thing. I know that taking them will help, but I sometimes I don't want that help. Maybe their not working, I tell myself, I don't actually need them. It's a waste of money....
Lately I have really been dying to buy a scale. Of course its not a good idea. I know that. But when I had to go to the store this morning I almost slipped. I semi-slipped. I weighed myself right there in the middle of Walmart. Bad idea? Yes. But did I let it ruin my day? Nope.
After my run-in with Walmart's most evil product, I just did some busy-body work around the house. I cleaned like there was no tomorrow, but cleaning actually calms me so I didn't mind.
Then, the best part of my day: I got an iPhone! I'm finally not the only one of Earth without one! So most of my afternoon was spent fiddling around with that.
I knew I had to go grocery shopping. Most of the time I LOVE to grocery shop (maybe this is an eating disorder thing), but today I was dreading it. I literally had about 5 food items at home, so I had no choice but to buy food today. It took me much longer than usual. I found myself checking labels, fat grams, sodium content, calories, etc... When this happens, I feel so binded by the eating disorder. I did buy some "joy" items though. Teddy Grahams! Triscuits! Goldfish! Yay! And of course, my anti-drug: Diet Coke!
I was My eating disorder was mad that my roommate was coming home for dinner, but I knew what had to be done. I had done so well all day and I wasn't going to stop now. I met my exchanges for dinner and didn't even have urges afterwards to use certain behaviors.
If you would have asked me last night if today was going to be better, I would have said no. But I'm glad it was. Things WILL get better. Things DO get better.
And, hey, the FSU football team even won today. =)
Meds were next on the list. I'm not sure why I have such a hard time taking my meds. I always remember them, I just never want to actually take them. I think it's kind of a self-care thing. I know that taking them will help, but I sometimes I don't want that help. Maybe their not working, I tell myself, I don't actually need them. It's a waste of money....
Lately I have really been dying to buy a scale. Of course its not a good idea. I know that. But when I had to go to the store this morning I almost slipped. I semi-slipped. I weighed myself right there in the middle of Walmart. Bad idea? Yes. But did I let it ruin my day? Nope.
After my run-in with Walmart's most evil product, I just did some busy-body work around the house. I cleaned like there was no tomorrow, but cleaning actually calms me so I didn't mind.
Then, the best part of my day: I got an iPhone! I'm finally not the only one of Earth without one! So most of my afternoon was spent fiddling around with that.
I knew I had to go grocery shopping. Most of the time I LOVE to grocery shop (maybe this is an eating disorder thing), but today I was dreading it. I literally had about 5 food items at home, so I had no choice but to buy food today. It took me much longer than usual. I found myself checking labels, fat grams, sodium content, calories, etc... When this happens, I feel so binded by the eating disorder. I did buy some "joy" items though. Teddy Grahams! Triscuits! Goldfish! Yay! And of course, my anti-drug: Diet Coke!
If you would have asked me last night if today was going to be better, I would have said no. But I'm glad it was. Things WILL get better. Things DO get better.
And, hey, the FSU football team even won today. =)
Friday, September 9, 2011
We are all FINE.
Lots of women fake it... and I'm one of them.
No, not what you're thinking. Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm talking about how I feel. As you have hopefully previously read, I haven't been doing so well. I'm sad, depressed, lonely, discouraged, frustrated. Yet, ask most of the people I run into and they'd say I'm fine.
I am fine. We are all fine:
Fed up.
Insecure.
Nervous.
Emotional.
Why is it so hard for people to get to know the real you? Why are we trying to please everyone? Don't others want us to be real? Honest? Truthful? I don't know about you, but I'm tired of BSing smiles and laughs. But imagine how they would respond if this is how our conversation went:
Avergae Joe: "Hey Kelly! Long time no see! How are you?"
Me: "Oh...hi. I'm actually doing miserable. I'm depressed beyond belief. I feel engulfed by my eating disorder. Not to mention my self-harm thoughts are outrageous. Thanks for asking"
This world would be an honest yet unhappy place. So my point is that NONE OF US ARE OKAY . Maybe it seems like the next guy or gal over is perfect; has the ideal life, flawless face, perfect relationships, etc. But everyone has their baggage. Everyone has their issue. It's not whether or not we HAVE baggage, it's how we STORE & CARRY our baggage!
Now that I've established we all have baggage and issues, I guess I should suggest what you do with it.
Give it to God. That's what He's there for. That's what He died for.
Imagine this: A man who has a garbage can full of issues marries a woman who also has a garbage can full of issues. What do they now have in their marriage? A DUMPSTER full of issues. And who wants to pour a dumpster of garbage on their children?
What better way can we rid our baggage and garbage than to hand it over to the one that WANTS it. We certainly don't want it. So, give it to God. He will recycle our garbage and issues for us so we can use our experiences for good. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
No, not what you're thinking. Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm talking about how I feel. As you have hopefully previously read, I haven't been doing so well. I'm sad, depressed, lonely, discouraged, frustrated. Yet, ask most of the people I run into and they'd say I'm fine.
I am fine. We are all fine:
Fed up.
Insecure.
Nervous.
Emotional.
Why is it so hard for people to get to know the real you? Why are we trying to please everyone? Don't others want us to be real? Honest? Truthful? I don't know about you, but I'm tired of BSing smiles and laughs. But imagine how they would respond if this is how our conversation went:
Avergae Joe: "Hey Kelly! Long time no see! How are you?"
Me: "Oh...hi. I'm actually doing miserable. I'm depressed beyond belief. I feel engulfed by my eating disorder. Not to mention my self-harm thoughts are outrageous. Thanks for asking"
This world would be an honest yet unhappy place. So my point is that NONE OF US ARE OKAY . Maybe it seems like the next guy or gal over is perfect; has the ideal life, flawless face, perfect relationships, etc. But everyone has their baggage. Everyone has their issue. It's not whether or not we HAVE baggage, it's how we STORE & CARRY our baggage!
Now that I've established we all have baggage and issues, I guess I should suggest what you do with it.
Give it to God. That's what He's there for. That's what He died for.
Imagine this: A man who has a garbage can full of issues marries a woman who also has a garbage can full of issues. What do they now have in their marriage? A DUMPSTER full of issues. And who wants to pour a dumpster of garbage on their children?
What better way can we rid our baggage and garbage than to hand it over to the one that WANTS it. We certainly don't want it. So, give it to God. He will recycle our garbage and issues for us so we can use our experiences for good. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
Here's to health & happiness
"What does your heart feel?" she asked.
I wish I knew. But I didn't tell her that. I don't know what my heart feels lately. Lonely? Depressed? Sad? Numb? All of the above.
Last night was extremely bittersweet. I'll leave it at that. And today me, myself and I turned it purely bitter. So bitter, in fact, that I made it hurt. It's so much easier to hurt on the outside rather than hurt on the inside. At least I can manage physical pain. I cannot manage emotional pain. (If any of you have the key to managing emotional pain, please, PLEASE relay me the message).
I will also let you know that today was an unsuccessfull eating day. I basically only ate dinner. And it was an emotional dinner. I thank God everyday I have Carly. She helped me so much. I broke down mid-bite of my corn during dinner:
"I can't do this. I don't deserve this. I am so SELFISH for eating this." Then I proceeded to vent about how much I wanted to be sick again because when I was sick, I didn't have to worry about ANY of these issues. I had one issue to worry about: weight. Carly talked me through all of it. Sure, my conversation with Canopy Cove was helpful, but sometimes I'd rather have some good, old fashioned girl talk with my roommate/ best friend. I knew that she understood exactly what I was feeling. And that helped me more than anything.
After dinner I surrendered my scissors to Carly.
We continued with our daily ritual of Starbucks post-dinner. I was in line ordering my tall, unsweetened iced coffee with a dome lid when I got a phone call. This person, who shall remain nameless, says 2 things that strike me the wrong way:
A) That they don't know why I'm doing this. "For attention?", they ask. At that point I excused myself from Starbucks to yell at them. "You think I'm doing this for attention? If I wanted some attention I would do something alot worse!" It really irks me when people assume sufferers are starving themselves, cutting themselves, bingeing, purging, doing drugs, drinking, etc... for attention. I'm sure some people are, but lots of us aren't.
B) That I "already have everything I want". Seriously? This person reminded me of a year and a half ago when I was extremely sick and how I couldn't drive, go to school, and have friends. Yes, it's true that I have alot more things in my life that I didn't have back then, like school and a job, but everything I want? Far from it! I want HEALTH & HAPPINESS. Do I have that? No. The one prayer that I pray everyday is "Dear God, please watch over my family, friends and Nina because I love them so very much. And help me to be happy and healthy." And if you ask anyone who I've ever Cheers'd with, they'll tell you that I always say "Here's to health and happiness." So, no, I don't have everything I've always wanted. I just have been blessed with some of my goals in life.
Just so you know, I love this nameless person and I always appreciate talking to them even if it rubs me the wrong way sometimes.
Anyway, I need a game plan.
How's this sound?
1. Actually take my meds.
2. Find and participate in more fellowship at church.
3. Reach out to others when I need help.
4. Limit Malcom contact.
5. Nourish my body.
Ready. Set. Go....
I wish I knew. But I didn't tell her that. I don't know what my heart feels lately. Lonely? Depressed? Sad? Numb? All of the above.
Last night was extremely bittersweet. I'll leave it at that. And today me, myself and I turned it purely bitter. So bitter, in fact, that I made it hurt. It's so much easier to hurt on the outside rather than hurt on the inside. At least I can manage physical pain. I cannot manage emotional pain. (If any of you have the key to managing emotional pain, please, PLEASE relay me the message).
I will also let you know that today was an unsuccessfull eating day. I basically only ate dinner. And it was an emotional dinner. I thank God everyday I have Carly. She helped me so much. I broke down mid-bite of my corn during dinner:
"I can't do this. I don't deserve this. I am so SELFISH for eating this." Then I proceeded to vent about how much I wanted to be sick again because when I was sick, I didn't have to worry about ANY of these issues. I had one issue to worry about: weight. Carly talked me through all of it. Sure, my conversation with Canopy Cove was helpful, but sometimes I'd rather have some good, old fashioned girl talk with my roommate/ best friend. I knew that she understood exactly what I was feeling. And that helped me more than anything.
After dinner I surrendered my scissors to Carly.
We continued with our daily ritual of Starbucks post-dinner. I was in line ordering my tall, unsweetened iced coffee with a dome lid when I got a phone call. This person, who shall remain nameless, says 2 things that strike me the wrong way:
A) That they don't know why I'm doing this. "For attention?", they ask. At that point I excused myself from Starbucks to yell at them. "You think I'm doing this for attention? If I wanted some attention I would do something alot worse!" It really irks me when people assume sufferers are starving themselves, cutting themselves, bingeing, purging, doing drugs, drinking, etc... for attention. I'm sure some people are, but lots of us aren't.
B) That I "already have everything I want". Seriously? This person reminded me of a year and a half ago when I was extremely sick and how I couldn't drive, go to school, and have friends. Yes, it's true that I have alot more things in my life that I didn't have back then, like school and a job, but everything I want? Far from it! I want HEALTH & HAPPINESS. Do I have that? No. The one prayer that I pray everyday is "Dear God, please watch over my family, friends and Nina because I love them so very much. And help me to be happy and healthy." And if you ask anyone who I've ever Cheers'd with, they'll tell you that I always say "Here's to health and happiness." So, no, I don't have everything I've always wanted. I just have been blessed with some of my goals in life.
Just so you know, I love this nameless person and I always appreciate talking to them even if it rubs me the wrong way sometimes.
Anyway, I need a game plan.
How's this sound?
1. Actually take my meds.
2. Find and participate in more fellowship at church.
3. Reach out to others when I need help.
4. Limit Malcom contact.
5. Nourish my body.
Ready. Set. Go....
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Rain in the Sunshine State
Is it Friday yet? Seriously.
I want this wretched week to just end. Nothing good has come from this week. It has been a complete waste.
Yesterday I had classes and work. Well, one class. I'm going to TCC part-time (taking 2 classes) so I can continue with treatment at Canopy Cove and also so I can work. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class, then work then class again. But I'm ashamed to say I skipped my morning class yesterday. I told my teacher it was because of "current medical issues". Is complete depression and lack of motivation enough of a "medical issue"? Whatever.
I apologize for my negativity. At least the weather here in Florida has been lovely. Not too hot at all. But hot enough where short sleeves and tank tops are still expected. (This makes for akward stares at my wrists recently). The excuse I use? Umm, I was scratched by a cat.
If you're nosey like I am, you're probably wondering what the status of Malcom is. I wish I even knew! I deleted his number from my phone after Sunday. But he actually made several attempts to text and even call me! Sure, I later found out he was drunk, but it still made me feel....good. I guess as good as one could feel after having a crappy day. Yesterday he texted me late at night just to see what was up, and then continued to talk about really casual things. I still haven't re-saved his number in my phone because I don't want to be tempted to text him. But..ughhh.....too late today. I sent an innocent "FIFA tonight?" (If you don't know what FIFA is, I suggest you Google it). I think I just want to text him, or hang out with him, or call him just to know he's thinking about me. Even if it's for the split second he's reading MY text. Or for the few seconds he's scrolling through his phone to find MY name. I want him to think of me so I can have some, any connection with another human being. I just want some damn intimacy with someone. And, no, intimacy doesn't mean sex. It means, to me, closeness. I want ultimately to be close to someone and for someone to love me unconditionally, no matter what I eat or what I do to my body or what I say or how I mess up, and despite my past.
On another note, there was a mini-war in my head today about lunch.
Me: Should I eat lunch today or not? Well, I have work, and I work with children so I probably should eat lunch.
Eating Disorder: Ohh, but all you do lately at work is pick them up from school so you don't need that energy. Plus, your breakfast was rather big and filling. Not to mention you are going over to RS's apartment for her birthday tonight where they are making PIZZAS! And you know what pizzas mean: FAT!!!
Me: I should wake Carly up and ask her to eat with me for extra support.
Eating Disorder: Don't do that! She needs her rest! If you HAVE to, you can always make it up later. Just fill up on coffee before work so you don't feel ill.
Me: Okay.
Let's just say that the eating disorder won.
I want this wretched week to just end. Nothing good has come from this week. It has been a complete waste.
Yesterday I had classes and work. Well, one class. I'm going to TCC part-time (taking 2 classes) so I can continue with treatment at Canopy Cove and also so I can work. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class, then work then class again. But I'm ashamed to say I skipped my morning class yesterday. I told my teacher it was because of "current medical issues". Is complete depression and lack of motivation enough of a "medical issue"? Whatever.
I apologize for my negativity. At least the weather here in Florida has been lovely. Not too hot at all. But hot enough where short sleeves and tank tops are still expected. (This makes for akward stares at my wrists recently). The excuse I use? Umm, I was scratched by a cat.
If you're nosey like I am, you're probably wondering what the status of Malcom is. I wish I even knew! I deleted his number from my phone after Sunday. But he actually made several attempts to text and even call me! Sure, I later found out he was drunk, but it still made me feel....good. I guess as good as one could feel after having a crappy day. Yesterday he texted me late at night just to see what was up, and then continued to talk about really casual things. I still haven't re-saved his number in my phone because I don't want to be tempted to text him. But..ughhh.....too late today. I sent an innocent "FIFA tonight?" (If you don't know what FIFA is, I suggest you Google it). I think I just want to text him, or hang out with him, or call him just to know he's thinking about me. Even if it's for the split second he's reading MY text. Or for the few seconds he's scrolling through his phone to find MY name. I want him to think of me so I can have some, any connection with another human being. I just want some damn intimacy with someone. And, no, intimacy doesn't mean sex. It means, to me, closeness. I want ultimately to be close to someone and for someone to love me unconditionally, no matter what I eat or what I do to my body or what I say or how I mess up, and despite my past.
On another note, there was a mini-war in my head today about lunch.
Me: Should I eat lunch today or not? Well, I have work, and I work with children so I probably should eat lunch.
Eating Disorder: Ohh, but all you do lately at work is pick them up from school so you don't need that energy. Plus, your breakfast was rather big and filling. Not to mention you are going over to RS's apartment for her birthday tonight where they are making PIZZAS! And you know what pizzas mean: FAT!!!
Me: I should wake Carly up and ask her to eat with me for extra support.
Eating Disorder: Don't do that! She needs her rest! If you HAVE to, you can always make it up later. Just fill up on coffee before work so you don't feel ill.
Me: Okay.
Let's just say that the eating disorder won.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Empty
I sit here at 8:56pm blogging at Starbucks. I'm exhausted and I look forward to curling up in my bed and ending today because everyday I get through is another day further away from yesterday.
I went to Canopy Cove today for IOP. I had a much needed session with Dr. Jeter. It was extremely beneficial, like they always are.
As soon as I got to program, around noon, it was time to make and eat lunch. This was an extremely hard meal for me. I skipped breakfast this morning and before lunch I had that oh-so- addictive "empty" feeling in my body. I wish I could explain the empty feeling. A feeling like I am pure. Flawless. Clean. Like there are no toxins of food in my body. Nothing. I like the feeling of nothing. Especially when everything is going on around me. Everything that I cannot control or change. I CAN control my empty feeling. I CANNOT control what Malcom says to me.
My empty feeling was brutally killed by lunch.
After lunch and a few groups came snack. Snack was easier because I no longer had that empty feeling,but I still was not hungry. I had thoughts about using behaviors after I got home from program, but I didn't. Instead, I used one of my favorite coping skills: Napping!
Like I said, today is another day further away from yesterday. I'm thankful to God for the strength He gave me today. He gave me strength to eat today. And eating is essential for life. And ultimately, I want life.
I went to Canopy Cove today for IOP. I had a much needed session with Dr. Jeter. It was extremely beneficial, like they always are.
As soon as I got to program, around noon, it was time to make and eat lunch. This was an extremely hard meal for me. I skipped breakfast this morning and before lunch I had that oh-so- addictive "empty" feeling in my body. I wish I could explain the empty feeling. A feeling like I am pure. Flawless. Clean. Like there are no toxins of food in my body. Nothing. I like the feeling of nothing. Especially when everything is going on around me. Everything that I cannot control or change. I CAN control my empty feeling. I CANNOT control what Malcom says to me.
My empty feeling was brutally killed by lunch.
After lunch and a few groups came snack. Snack was easier because I no longer had that empty feeling,but I still was not hungry. I had thoughts about using behaviors after I got home from program, but I didn't. Instead, I used one of my favorite coping skills: Napping!
Like I said, today is another day further away from yesterday. I'm thankful to God for the strength He gave me today. He gave me strength to eat today. And eating is essential for life. And ultimately, I want life.
"If all we need is love, and God is love, then I guess all we really need is God."
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Man's Best Friend
And no, this post is not about dogs. It's about a man, let's call him "Malcom" for confidentiality purposes.
Malcom is the most beautiful man you will ever meet. No, he's not just handsome. He's beautiful. He's smart, sweet, funny. Perfect. Perfect? (Is that a congnitive distortion?)
Anyway, we hung out last night. We went out to this fancy schmancy restaurant with a few other people. I ate PIZZA with Malcom (HUGE challenge). It was the first time I had eaten in front of him (double victory!). We had our share of cuddly moments, yadda yadda yadda. To make a long story short, I texted him this morning. I was blunt. I asked him "How come you don't want to be more than friends with me? Are you waiting for someone prettier/ better/ nicer?" He answered with just about the nicest, worst answer ever: "I don't want to sound mean, but you're not my type. We just make such great friends."
Maybe it's just me, but that directly translates to "You're not pretty enough", "You're not smart enough", "You're not nice enough", "You're not cool enough", etc... I'm sorry but YOU DON'T KISS YOUR GREAT FRIENDS. How do you kiss and cuddle with someone that isn't your type? So I asked him. And Malcom responded with "Sometimes physical wants beats morals. It was a mistake on both our parts."
"No. It wasn't a mistake." I told him, "I like you alot, and I guess I was silly for thinking it was mutual."
Great friends? Sure.
Can I even start to think of seeing Malcom with another girl? No.
So what happened next? Nothing good. That's for sure. I called Canopy Cove and told them about my urges. But they didn't call back in time. After using behaviors and not-so-good coping skills, all I could think was What is wrong with me? I want to be sick. SICK. Sick to the point of no return. When I was sick and married to my anorexia, this never would have happened. Truth is: It never would have happened because I would never have left the house, talked to a guy, became vulnerable with another human being. And it's crazy that I still often crave that sense of security that my eating disorder gave me. It was safe. It was comfortable. It was reliable. I didn't have to worry about being hurt by men, because I avoided them. But it's a trade off. I can't have the amazing things I have now and still be sick.
Now, maybe this whole situation doesn't seem like such an epic disaster that it is to me. And that's okay. And maybe I'm overreacting. That's okay too. I'm allowed to overreact. Maybe this post will help you understand that an eating disorder mind is a deadly and manipulative one. An eating disorder mind will get you to believe the worst of things.
After crying myself to the point of blurred vision, I knew I had to leave my house. I could no longer bear to be alone with my thoughts. So I forced myself to shower. And then I got dressed and went on my way in the downpouring rain to Starbucks (my second home).
God bless Karen. She called me back and talked some rationality into me:
Who is Malcom to have the power to control what I do? What I eat? What I do to my body? GOD IS IN CONTROL! He is all we need. He is all I need. She suggested everytime I think of Malcom, that I instantly replace that thought with a thought like God, please direct myself to Your truth. Help Malcom find what he needs to find. Help me to focus on You, God, and Your will. I can do this. God will give me the strength I need to get through this and every day. God sends me blessings like a call from Karen, my roommate Carly, my family, my precious nephews. I have my God and that, my friends, is what controls my life, not Malcom.
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