It's the most wonderful time of the year?

If I was a betting woman (which I'm not), but if I was, I would bet that Thanksgiving is an eating disordered person's least favorite holiday. I sure know it's mine.

Ever since the eating disorder started, holidays have been a nightmare. Damn those pilgrims for thinking "Lets have a whole day where we do nothing but stuff our faces full of calorie-laden food!" Because thats what it is. Sure, you get to see family (if you want to), but even seeing family and loved ones can be hard when you're in the midst of an eating disorder.

So for just about the past decade, I have hated the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And well, Valentines Day too, but I'll save that for another post. Winters have always been the hardest. It's always the time when I have had to go inpatient or into treatment. One of my nephews was born on December 22, 2007, and I couldn't even be there for his birth because I was too busy being tube-fed at Albany Medical Center. I got out in time for Christmas, but that's not to say my Christmas was still being ran by the eating disorder. I have such great guilt towards myself for ruining holidays for my family. There were holidays that my family knew I was going to purge after the meal. I love my family so much that I would never ever want to put them through the hell I have put them through again. There were also holidays I spent locked up in my room eating alone, having my mother eat by herself in the other room. Ugh. It makes me hate myself for putting them through that.

Last year was the first Thanksgiving I truly was happy at and enjoyed. I was down here in Tallahassee, still staying at the Canopy Cove apartments. My father came down for the week to spend Thanksgiving with me and I had Carly with me too. Her and I cooked and followed our meal plans exactly. We took pictures, had a great time, and of course, my father watched football! I'm praying for another holiday season like last year. One where I am actually enjoying myself. Where I can focus on the meaning of Christmas and what I'm thankful for; not just food and weight.

So E is coming from Georgia tonight and staying for 4 days. I'm so excited. He's very special to me. We haven't established a "title" among us. But that will probably happen this weekend. I'm falling FAST for him. Which could be a bad thing, but I guess I'll have to find out and see. I, like in every relationship, just don't want to get hurt. I was hurt too much with the Malcom relationship. I can't handle anymore. So perhaps I'm being vulnerable with E by attatching to him so quickly. I don't know. Anyway, it will just be him and I for Thanksgiving. I still haven't figured out the turkey situation because I'm vegetarian but I don't want to deny him that American tradition. Maybe I'll find a baby turkey to cook.

I'm thankful for so many things this year. I'm thankful for my wonderful family and friends. I'm thankful that I have a job, that I have a car that works. I'm thankful I have my health BACK! I'm thankful that I'm alive. What are you thankful for?