This morning was my individual session with Dr. Brogdon. It went alot better than I figured it would. I was really happy to see her. Shes such a caring, loving woman who really knows her stuff!
First we discussed my medication situation. I'm supposed to be on Abilify, Effexor, and Buspar. But to be honest, I've really been bad at taking my medication. It's been like over a week since I've taken any. I told her this and she said I really need to start taking them again. I have pretty legit reasons why I'm not taking them, but I guess the reasons why I should be taking them are alot more legit, right?
She said that my seratonin levels are still pretty messed up. And seratonin pretty much controls not only my mood, but also my appetite and things like my sleep. SLEEP! Lately, I have not been getting any at all. Typically going to bed at 4am and waking up natually at around 7am. It's so messed up. I try to sleep longer, but I'm just not tired during the day. Anyway, my point is that seratonin is a pretty crucial hormone, as well as estrogen. Therefore, the fact that my medication is hanging out in my cabinet and not in my tummy, means that all these things are altered. Like my stupid mood. I have been SO emotional lately. I would say it's typical PMS, but I have NEVER felt this emotional. I cried twice yesterday and got teary eyed when Carly and I were watching Friends and Phoebe got proposed to!
Goal #1: Take my medication again.
We also talked about relationships. Specifically with Malcom, since he's still my main squeeze right now (even though I'm not his). I confessed to her pretty much everything with him. Everything from my theory that he's perfect & flawless to cutting over an incident with him. We talked about how men differ from women drastically. We talked about how when he said to me "you're not my type" he might have been pointing the finger at me, but really, it's something to do with himself. (I wish I could fully believe that). She told me that if he's still willing to cuddle and stuff, then there must be something there. I just don't know anymore. She suggested that I find flaws in him, or at least one flaw.
Goal #2: Find at least 1 flaw in Malcom.
So that was my appointment. She wants me to come back next week. She doesn't want me to go more than a week without any therapy. I'm just still hoping that my insurance pulls through and will cover some more IOP. The only problem is how dang expensive it is. She's definitely worth it, but by no means am I well off financially. It's another big stress of mine.
Today has been a pretty unsuccessful day, as far as my recovery goes. I started going to the gym again. It feels great to go. Just to get my endorphins out there and physical activity is really good for you. The only problem is I can't tell whether or not the eating disorder wants me to work out, or if it's just a healthy way to de-stress or whatever. I am able to limit myself. I go for 45 minutes at most, and don't over work myself at all. I would much rather get a work out by doing something like playing tennis or basketball, but that doesn't always happen. But the whole time I'm thinking How will this help improve my body? What can I do next to burn more calories? But isn't that what all those gym-rats think? I'm not sure.
I ate today, but didn't meet my requirements at all. I just wasn't hungry. I couldn't do it. (Note the statement above about my decreased appetite). I didn't have urges to purge, which is a huge victory. It seems, however, that it's one or the other. Under eat? Or eat and use behaviors? It's like a lose-lose situation. I'm not 100% discouraged however, because I am able to have days where I don't use behaviors, and that I'm able to distinguish healthy vs. unhealthy thoughts. Not to mention that it's been over a month since I've last cut.
That's another thing Dr. Brogdon talked to me about. She said people are either completely engulfed in their eating disorder (me, in July 2010) or they are "bothered" by the eating disorder, it just doesn't control their life (me, now). She had to reassure me that I WILL recover. I told her that I so often feel like I never will. But she said that research shows that the minimum amount of time for recovery to start to kick in is often 5 years. That sounds like a long time, but in the scheme of life, its not.
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