Stuck Like Glue

I suppose an update is in order.

I talked to a friend yesterday about this, and it actually really applies to me right now. I just feel like I'm stuck in life, in my eating disorder life, in my work life, in my school life, just in every aspect of my life. I'm not doing anything spectacular and I'm not 100% satisfied with where I'm at in my life.

Dr. Jeter always asks me, "Is this how you expected recovery to be like? Did you think it would be better or worse? More or less fulfilling?" I guess when I was sick, I had this vision of my "recovered life". It was a perfect world. I would have a boyfriend. I'd be getting A's all the time. I would work a full time job and not need my parents financially anymore. I would easily eat anywhere, anything. Etc...

But right now? "recovered life" (Or should I say "recovering life") is just plain sad. Does that mean I'm not recovered? Probably. I still have urges, thoughts, behaviors. But I feel like it should be alot more satisfying than it is.

I've been struggling with this eating disorder for almost a decade. And I've been receiving treatment for just about that long also (whether it be therapy, partial programs, medication, inpatient facilities). I know I've mentioned this before in my blog, but I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE DONE WITH THIS!!! Shouldn't I be better by now? I just celebrated my 23rd birthday and I just feel like such a failure. A majority of my friends are already in graduate school, when my sister was this age, she already was married and had a baby, and then there's me: the girl who is just sagging behind everyone in life, can't get her act together and STILL struggles with behaviors after nearly 10 years of treatment. I wonder if other people think the same thing about me. Why can't she just finish school? Why can't she just eat? Why can't she just STAY at a healthy weight? Why can't she just be happy?

So when it comes to Dr. Jeter's question, the answer is "No". This is NOT what I expected recovering life to be like. I expected a much more utopic, flawless life.

As for everything else going on in my life, well, its pretty much at a standstill. Nothings getting better, and nothings getting worse. Malcom is still in the picture. Although my heart is eagerly attatching to him, without anything in return. My head knows what I keep getting myself into with him, but my heart just longs for anything. I think that a man's lack of complexity makes them even more confusing to women. We over-analyze everything, and make everything into drama that doesn't call for it. But we're women- we nurture and long for love. So, of course, my heart is attatched to the guy. He has shown me affection. At one time. And I'm just yearning for that affection once again. Ohhhh boys.....

My eating patterns are all messed up. I met with Ashlee about 2 weeks ago to try to straighten them out, and thats helped some. Can I use the excuses of late nights, work and school to not follow a schedule? Healthy thoughts say no, but my eating disorder likes to say yes.