I had program at Canopy Cove yesterday. It was actually a pretty good program day. Even though I'm in IOP (which typically takes place at the Partial building in Killearn), we have been going out to Residential for the day. It's fine. Theres more breathing room and scenery. I'm not a big horse person, but pet therapy is always beneficial.
Anyway, I went straight from my first day of observing at my new job to Canopy Cove. Observing at the preschool was great. I got to work with the 3 year olds so it was tons of fun. They call me Miss. Kelly (it's adorable). When I got to Res, I was pretty much rushed to make my lunch. I quickly boiled water for my cous cous and without thinking I brought it to the table. I thought nothing of it until about halfway through lunch when I realized I had an extra bread! Mental freak out! My "required" amount of breads at lunch is 2, and NOW I HAVE 3!! I tried to rationalize it in my head by telling myself that I didn't have any breads with breakfast. That got me through my mental break down. Plus, I didn't want to make a scene at the lunch table. So I waited until processing to mention it. After lunch, I used some coping skills of collaging. I made a placemat of my main goals in life.
We had groups with Karen and Catherine. With Karen, I made a poster board of all my victories that I have accomplished since July of 2010, when I was admitted to Canopy Cove. I added everything from wearing a push-up bra for the first time, to eating pizza, to going on dates, etc... It really made me open my eyes to everything I've done throughout my recovery. I recommend everyone do that at some point. Then with Catherine, we did a project of what "cranks our eating disorders".
I then had a session with Dr. Jeter that went really well. After my weekend with E, it was extremely beneficial to talk to her. Ya know, it's really convenient that she is a marriage and relationship professor. She really knows her stuff. So we talked about stuff like E and my physical relationship. I also had a lot to say about my lacking confidence and how I think it currently and in the past affects my relationships. I totally feel so self-consious when I'm in any kind of romantic relationship. It's been that way since day one of my eating disorder. I mean, I got sick a month into my relationship with my first boyfriend ever. That ended well. NOT. Ever since then, I haven't had a healthy relationship. I want one so badly. I WANT desperately to be able to have that confidence. We all know confidence is sexy, right? I guess I just really worry that I will take it to the extreme opposite and just be a conceided, cocky mess. I know that is unattractive. I've seen it plenty of times in high school. I know I mentioned this before, but I'm constantly questioning myself and E whether he likes me still or not. I could literally do nothing, but I become paranoid that I did something that will mess everything up. How do I get over this? It's so inconvenient and I know if I continue to act this crazy, he will end things sooner than later.
Take last night for instance: We were Skyping as usual and I mentioned something to him about how I get so nervous and self-consious that he won't like me as much as I like him. I don't even remember everything that I said to him, all I know is that I kept rambling on and on about how nervous I was. WHO DOES THAT?! I guess when I get nervous I just ramble. Anyway, we got off Skype and then I pretty much panicked this morning because usually every morning he sends me a quick, sweet text saying "Good Morning" or something. Well, this morning he didn't. My fault probably. I tried my hardest to rationalize it. Maybe he is busy in the office. I knew he had lots of work to do today. But I couldn't help but still be worried. My mind eased a bit when he called me as soon as he got on his lunch break. I know I shouldn't have, but I apologized profusely about my emotional crazyness from the night before. He told me I didn't need to apologize but I felt I had to. I blamed it on my period.
I asked Dr. J how I could start to gain some confidence when it comes to myself and relationships. She recommended that I start to explore my strengths. I guess first I need to figure out what my strengths are. I suppose if I recognize and aknowledge my strength and abilities, then other people might notice them and like them too. She made a good point: would someone be more attracted to a weak, needy Kelly? Or a Kelly being the best Kelly she can be?
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