A Lonely Soul

If I had to describe my mood for about the past 2 weeks, it would be sad. Nothing more, nothing less. Not miserable, which is an upgrade from some stages in my life. But I'm just not happy.

Why am I sad?

I wish I could pinpoint why. First of all, winter and Christmas time is always a hard time for me. It's always been the time of year that I have relapsed and ended up back in the hospital. My grandmother died in November of 1996 and my grandpa died in December of 1997. My eating disorder started on December 23, 2003. And my Dad left on January 19, 2003. So winter just sucks.

Now you're probably thinking, just because it has sucked in the past, doesn't mean it has to suck now. And you're right. But that doesn't help. My eating disorder has been rearing it's ugly head into my life alot lately.

I'm genuinely lonely.

And I know I will be lonely for about the next month.

This week is my last week of classes, and then next week we have finals. Next weekend I'm travelling 6 hours up to Georgia to visit the boyfriend from the 17th through the 19th. Then on Monday the 19th, my cousin and one of my best friends is coming to visit me until Friday the 23rd. Sunday is Christmas. Then Tuesday through Friday I will be working all day at the preschool. So, I mean I'll be very busy. Hopefully some of this busy-ness will cure my lonliness.

I saw Dr. Jeter 2 days ago for a session. I told her about my sadness. I also asked if I could come to Canopy Cove on Christmas, just so I will be around other people. Who wants to spend Christmas all alone, locked up in an empty apartment? Not me. Plus, I could use the meal support while there. I'll see if I can go for lunch and snack. And today, my boss at the after school program invited me to her house for dinner on Christmas. She knew I was going to be alone for the holiday.

So, I mean, I have support. I have people. I have family. I have "acquaintances". And I have friends. They just are all elsewhere. Not close enough to easily reach out to. Or maybe they are accessible, I just don't have the motivation to reach out. I'm supposed to be the "recovered one", right? I'm not supposed to still have struggles or issues! I've been in freaking treatment for long enough. Geez. I feel like I'm supposed to be the strong one. But I'm not strong right now.

Boyfriend things are going well. I'm really excited and anxious to see him. He's as much of a support as he can be. He tells me that I can always talk to him if I need to. I NEED TO! But I don't want to be that needy, clingy, dramatic girlfriend type. I've had my share of those unhealthy relationships in the past. This one is new, mature and different.

He is in Washington DC for training for the Army right now. He'll be there until the 17th (when I see him). He calls me every night and last night he called me and I expected that we would Skype, considering we do like every night. He said he didn't want to and I totally took it like he was mad, or didn't want to see my ugly face, or was uninterested in me now. I took a risk while talking to him and said "Well it hurts my feelings that you don't want to Skype with me. It makes me feel like you don't want to see me." Then he said that he was just really tired and that he didn't want to move from his chair (typical lazy boy!). He also told me that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I know he doesn't. He's a good guy. But because of my zero self esteem and non-existant confidence, I find it almost impossible to not blame myself for every little thing.

I'm just tired and scared of losing everything. One of my closest friends has to move away. Malcom has a new girlfriend, so I never see or talk to him. E is 6 hours away. My family is like 239,128,982 miles away. I "lost" my eating disorder, which is still a good/ bad thing. I am scared of losing my support of Canopy Cove. I'm afraid of losing E, so that's why I think I'm so critical of my relationship with him.

And just a word of advice: if you're in the mood to cry, listen to "I'll Be Home For Christmas".