Who's In The Driver's Seat?

I feel like I only really post when something bad is happening. Lucky for you, I'm posting today despite not having anything bad happening. I tell you, ever since I've limited my time with Malcom, things have become alot easier. My behaviors have decreased, my time isn't spent worrying and analyzing everything that has to do with him, and it's been 9 days since I've cut. Yay!

Of course, there are other stressors that always creep in. But most of my stressors now are "normal people" stressors, not "eating disorder" stressors. What do I mean by normal people stressors? School, boys, finances. You know? Those things.

I had program at Canopy Cove on Monday. Unfortunately, Monday was a big eating disorder thought day. And today, well todays been pretty good. Carly invited me to Panera for "Family & Friends" day. I had dinner there.  I met exchanges and didn't over eat by any means, but I'm still feeling really full and guilty. I guess I get that guilt whenever I eat out at a restaurant. Something about not having all the control. And we both know eating disorders are partially about control!
I guess giving up that control is key to recovery. (Along with other things). Why do people with eating disorders feel they are SO in control? We aren't at all. The eating disorder is.

Many times I've been asked by therapists, "Well why do you want to be sick?"
"It's comfortable. And familiar. And I like having control over my weight, food, calories, exercise."

There are other reasons too, but for the sake of your time I will get into that later.

Sure, we might have control of our calories and what we eat, and how much we exercise. But who is controlling our thoughts? The eating disorder! Ultimately, don't our thoughts control our actions (eating, not eating, etc...)? Therefore, the eating disorder is controlling our actions indirectly. So the eating disorder is in control. Boo to that!

When going into treatment, I guess we have no other choice than to give our control up. We are kind of forced into trusting complete strangers to completely change our lives and tell us what to eat and how to communicate, blah blah blah. But I'm curious at what point are we truly ready to take back our control? To take back control of our lives? Is it when we gain a certain number of pounds? Is it when we don't use food rituals? Is it when we no longer rely on food, or lack thereof, to determine our day? As a person with an eating disorder, will I ever be able to fully control my life without a smidgen of anorexia? I guess thats the ultimate goal.