Alone in a Room Full of People

I'm sitting here at Starbucks, like always. It's better that I'm here, around people, than alone at home. I can't handle being home all by myself right now. Alone with my destructive thoughts is not a good idea. I've been having really awful thoughts lately. I wouldn't say suicidal thoughts, just self-harm thoughts. Yesterday and today my urges to self harm have been out the roof. Pretty much the only thing that is keeping me from doing it is how when E saw my scars on my wrist he said if I ever did it again he would be mad. And having ANYONE be mad at me is not okay.

My eating has not been okay either. On Monday I went into Canopy Cove and had a productive session with Ashlee. She gave me a new yellow card with a brand new meal plan on it. It's not as much as my body requires, but she said that it's better than what my current eating pattern looks like. I feel like its a huge set back. Isn't the ultimate goal to be off a meal plan? I was doing okay with eating what I felt like, but I know lately everything is messed up.

Recovery is hard work. I don't care what anyone says. It's by far the hardest thing I have ever been through. I want recovery, ultimately. But I don't want it this very minute. I want to shrivel up with just me and my security blanket of anorexia and be alone. I'm just so unmotivated.

I've heard multiple times that what it takes for someone to come out of an eating disorder, is for the person to replace the eating disorder with something just as sufficient and supplying as the eating disorder was. Whether that be God, a new love interest, a passion, etc... SO WHERE'S MY REPLACEMENT??!! Or how do I go find one? I'm sure it's not that simple, as substituting something for an eating disorder, but I'd like to think it's possible.

I'm supposed to go to Georgia to visit the boyfriend this Saturday. We'll see if that happens. He's been giving me the cold shoulder lately. I talked to him the other day about it and he said he likes me alot but he doesn't want to keep me from being a mother. Which I guess is mature and nice of him. I think deep down I'm just hoping that he'll change his mind someday about kids. So in the meantime, what do I do? Continue dating someone that never wants babies? Or end things before my heart gets too invested?