Only time will tell

Well Thanksgiving wasn't bad at all. E came Wednesday night and we just talked for hours and hours. It was great. Then on Thursday we had a really lazy day. Went to Starbucks, played some frisbee, watched football and then dinner. It was the first time eating in front of him which is always really scary. The night before he had gone into my room and saw all of my affirmations all over my mirrors and walls and then he saw my sign that reads "My worst day in recovery is better than my best day in relapse" and he asked about it. I knew I couldn't keep the eating disorder a secret any longer from him. And I shouldn't. A friend recently told me that my past isn't anything I should be ashamed about, and shes right. The eating disorder made me who I am today, and for the most part, I'm pretty proud of who I am today. So, I told him about it. He took it pretty well but didn't say much. Since then, he asks questions about it once in a while. He even told me that he would go into family therapy education because he wants to learn as much about me as possible and wants to help me out in any way he can.

Him and I went out last night. We were both getting ready and I was putting perfume on my wrists and he grabbed my wrist and looked at it and pointed and asked "whats this?" (referring to the scars on my wrist). I kind of shrugged and he goes "I know what this is. Why did you do this?" I told him that it was from several years ago and that I don't do it anymore. I told him I did it because I was going through a hard time and that it was easier to deal with physical pain than the emotional pain I was going through. He said that "all of his friends will know what it is when they look at it". What am I supposed to say to that? Sorry? It's my past. I haven't done it in months and if I lose a realtionship over cutting, then it's definitely not worth it. He told me to never do it again. I agreed. And I don't plan on it. I didn't admit to him that I still have the urges to cut every once in a while. I'm afraid he would think I'm crazy!

I already feel like nothing I do is worth him liking me as much as he says he does. I wish I could just have the confidence that he truly likes me. I'm constantly questioning myself and him if he still likes me. I asked him that after I told him about the eating disorder and then again after he found out about the cutting. He said yes both times. I guess with my past history of guys, I haven't had the best luck with true loving feelings being received by me. (Because there were none there). Finally, I think, I caught a genuine person, a mature person and a potential match for me.

On a lighter note, we had "the talk". You know, the realtionship status talk. He said that he didn't want to be with anyone else. We are official now! It happened really quick but I'm pretty sure it's a good thing. It has literally been over 4 years since I've had a boyfriend. I hope I am good girlfriend material. I worry about that. I want to be the perfect partner. Which brings up the jealousy thing. I get jealous really easily. I trust that he wouldn't cheat on me, but considering me past relationships, I can't help but worry about it still.

So this whole relationship will be a good thing. I'm pretty sure. I told my parents that I have to do this. I have to take risks in life and be vulnerable at times. Or else I will never grow up. I will never meet anyone, and certainly if I don't test out the waters of dating and relationships, I will never get married and have a family.