Boy, do I have a lot to fill all my faithful followers in on.
Last time I posted, I was in a quandry with E. Well this was suddenly solved that night when he called me at 1am and voiced that he doesn't want to keep me from my ultimate dream of becoming a mother. Still, over 10 days later, it's still a touchy subject to talk about. It still makes me sad. He also said that night that as much as we like each other, he doesn't think we are compatible, because of our difference in wanting or not wanting babies. So, we ended it. I like to say "ended it" because it doesn't sound as harsh as "we broke up". But either way, it's painful, despite only being together for a short amount of time.
I had cut earlier that evening. I think my anxiety and depression got the best of me. I was anxious because I always NEED answers. And I didn't have any answers from him for several hours. I was alone, again, with my thoughts. The recent depression didn't help the situation either. As you know, I have been just miserable lately. The eating disorder had been out of control and I was just spiraling downhill in alot of ways; my grades were dropping, my eating was in shambles, and I just felt so lonely.
After a few hours of crying and horrible, self-setructive thoughts post-conversation with E at 1am, I went to sleep. I woke up early to take a stupid timed-writing final for my English class. Yes, I was surprised I actually made it too. I was in no state to take a final, let alone drive. I was literally a hot mess.
I came back from the final around lunch time. (Note: No food had been consumed for 2 days), but I was too depressed to even think about eating. The self-hatred thoughts still were overwhelming my mind to a scary, uncontained, extreme point. I knew what I should do, call for help. But there was a constant battle in my mind whether I should "give in" and call, or "just do it already" (you know what I mean).
It might not have felt like it at the moment, but God was with me...I called Canopy Cove.
Within an hour, Amanda came to my apartment and got me. I was having to call Danielle every 10 minutes so she would know I was okay. Finally, I thought, maybe there's hope I won't feel like this forever. Knowing someone was on their way to help me relieved my mind and soul.
So that Thursday marked my stay in Residential. I was there for 5 days, and although that seems like a very short amount of time, it was well spent and necessary. It got me back on track with a meal plan and it helped rid my suicidal thoughts. The first few days I could not stop crying. Crying because of E. Crying because of the food. Crying because of my weakness for making such a regression. Crying because it's the holidays. Crying because of everything.
But I was luckily surrounded by loving and supportive staff and clients who eased me through it, like they always do and always will.
I was discharged a week ago today becasue my cousin Molly came to Tallahassee to visit me. I am so blessed that she came to see me. She stayed until Friday and although I had to go to Canopy Cove everyday she was here from 8am-2pm, she remained supportive and there for me. We had such an excellent time. She made me laugh until I almost peed my pants. We met some pretty interesting folks! And eating with her went smoother than expected.
I always like to take note of how "non-eating disordered people" eat. Have you ever done that? they eat so naturally. They eat what they want. When they want. How they want to. When her and I went to the grocery store she didn't even look at calories or the label, she just picked out what looked good. Perhaps I'll eat like her someday.
She left Friday. Friday night was difficult. I no longer had anymore accountability. Luckily, I was asked to come to Canopy Cove Residential on Saturday (Christmas Eve) and Sunday (Christmas). Saturday was actually pretty fun. We went to Walmart and picked up some knitting necessities and then went to a movie with Karen, in an actual theater! Sunday morning I got to Skype with my Mom, Sister, her husband, and my 2 nephews. It made my Christmas so much better. For a second I actually felt like I was back home; where I craved so badly to be for Christmas. As stressful as it is being home, all I really wanted for Christmas was a big hug from my family. Maybe next year. After that, I went to Canopy Cove again and spent the entire day there. We watched Christmas movies and opened gifts from the staff and our Secret Santa. We also were able to cook our own Christmas dinner with Ashlee.
I'm working all this week from 8:30am-5:30pm at the preschool. Danielle wants me to come in to Canopy Cove Residential from 6-9pm everyday this week. Boy, will it be a busy week. I'm sure I'll be exhausted. But I feel alot of pressure being taken off from me because I won't have to stress so much over the eating part. I don't have a choice when I'm in program: I have to eat there. And even though there won't be any individual sessions after 6pm, it will still be beneficial to be around supportive people, especially with meals. We all know night time is my time of destruction.
All in all, I'm doing much better now. I'm no longer having those awful suicidal thoughts. My eating disorder thoughts have drastically declined. Although, they still occasionally have their way with me. Thoughts of cutting still pop up once in a while, but since that Wednesday night, none of those thoughts have worked.
I'm hoping all of you had the holiday season that you wished for. This is late, but just remember the real thing we are celebrating: the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Without Him, where would you be in your life journey? It's a deep question to think about, but one we should always try to have in the back of our minds. I know I wouldn't be here today. Too many times, I was saved by His greatness and love.
No comments:
Post a Comment