Here's to health & happiness

"What does your heart feel?" she asked.
I wish I knew. But I didn't tell her that. I don't know what my heart feels lately. Lonely? Depressed? Sad? Numb? All of the above.

Last night was extremely bittersweet. I'll leave it at that. And today me, myself and I turned it purely bitter. So bitter, in fact, that I made it hurt. It's so much easier to hurt on the outside rather than hurt on the inside. At least I can manage physical pain. I cannot manage emotional pain.  (If any of you have the key to managing emotional pain, please, PLEASE relay me the message).
I will also let you know that today was an unsuccessfull eating day. I basically only ate dinner. And it was an emotional dinner. I thank God everyday I have Carly. She helped me so much. I broke down mid-bite of my corn during dinner:
"I can't do this. I don't deserve this. I am so SELFISH for eating this." Then I proceeded to vent about how much I wanted to be sick again because when I was sick, I didn't have to worry about ANY of these issues. I had one issue to worry about: weight. Carly talked me through all of it. Sure, my conversation with Canopy Cove was helpful, but sometimes I'd rather have some good, old fashioned girl talk with my roommate/ best friend. I knew that she understood exactly what I was feeling. And that helped me more than anything.

After dinner I surrendered my scissors to Carly.

We continued with our daily ritual of Starbucks post-dinner. I was in line ordering my tall, unsweetened iced coffee with a dome lid when I got a phone call. This person, who shall remain nameless, says 2 things that strike me the wrong way:

A) That they don't know why I'm doing this. "For attention?", they ask. At that point I excused myself from Starbucks to yell at them. "You think I'm doing this for attention? If I wanted some attention I would do something alot worse!" It really irks me when people assume sufferers are starving themselves, cutting themselves, bingeing, purging, doing drugs, drinking, etc... for attention. I'm sure some people are, but lots of us aren't.
B) That I "already have everything I want". Seriously? This person reminded me of a year and a half ago when I was extremely sick and how I couldn't drive, go to school, and have friends. Yes, it's true that I have alot more things in my life that I didn't have back then, like school and a job, but everything I want? Far from it! I want HEALTH & HAPPINESS. Do I have that? No. The one prayer that I pray everyday is "Dear God, please watch over my family, friends and Nina because I love them so very much. And help me to be happy and healthy." And if you ask anyone who I've ever Cheers'd with, they'll tell you that I always say "Here's to health and happiness." So, no, I don't have everything I've always wanted. I just have been blessed with some of my goals in life.

Just so you know, I love this nameless person and I always appreciate talking to them even if it rubs me the wrong way sometimes.

Anyway, I need a game plan.
How's this sound?

1. Actually take my meds.
2. Find and participate in more fellowship at church.
3. Reach out to others when I need help.
4. Limit Malcom contact.
5. Nourish my body.

Ready. Set. Go....