Lady in Waiting

I can honestly say today that I am content with how things are right now. That's not to say tomorrow might be better or worse. But for now, I'm okay. And the real okay, not the I'm saying I'm okay but I'm really dying inside okay.

I woke up early this morning and made it a priority to have breakfast. I was actually hungry when I woke up. I did my usual body-checking routine in my unfortunate full length mirror. Dissatisfied. I still haven't gotten used to having a normal, convex looking stomach. I still long for that concave, hungry stomach at times. Some days I let the body-checking dictate my day. But today I did not. Breakfast, check. I usually put off showering directly after breakfast (or any meal) for two reasons: to stay out of the bathroom so I don't use behaviors and so I don't have to see myself naked. My body is still a foreign object to me. Today I had things to do, however, so I had to hop in the shower post-breakfast. I showered as quickly as possible and went on my merry way to see my math professor.

I went to Canopy Cove for program today. It was actually a decent day. I had lunch with everyone, which always helps. Then I had a moving session with Dr. Jeter. We talked alot about Malcom and the decisions I've made with him. We talked about God and my relationship with Him. And, get ready for it, we talked about marriage.
I've always known I want to be married and have at least one child by the time I'm 30, but we came to the conclusion today that if I were to meet the right person tomorrow, I wouldn't be opposed to getting married a year from now! That doesn't mean that I want to rush into anything, but I'm ready, SO ready to be in a committed, monogomous relationship. Of course I want to get my degree and do things like travel before I have babies, but maybe I'll find a partner who will want to join me in my adventures. Dr. Jeter said I should make clear what I want with any potential boyfriend early in the relationship.
It's hard living in a college town and meeting a decent, loving, respectful man who isn't just interested in, well, sex. By no means am I "old" but I am older than alot of student in this town (considering a majority of people my age are already graduated from college, but I'm sure I'll address that in another blog someday) and it's hard to find someone MY age who want the same things I want, or kind of like it says in the bible, "yoked like me". It says that believers should not be yoked with unbelievers, but I also think that we should be yoked with people of similar interests, morals, values, etc...
After that intense session, we had some groups with Ashlee and Dawn. I asked Ashlee a question that has been invading my mind lately, "You and everybody always says how we should listen to our bodies and honor our bodies, but why should we (us eating disorder clients) eat when we aren't even hungry?". Her answer was that it's ideal to eat intuitively but now, while we are in recovery, we can't necessarily rely on our hunger cues because they are so skewed. Many times we are just emotionally full, and we need to nourish our bodies despite that "fullness". So there ya go.

Nothing too exciting happened today, so you might be wondering why I'm "okay" after a wretched weekend like this past weekend. And the answer is that I realized today that somewhere in the world, there is my match. My mate. And he is just as frustrated as me in regards to finding ME. He will find me. I'm sure of it. And until then, I'm okay.