So I just returned to the Sunshine state after 2 weeks in New York. I am glad to be back, and in my regular schedule but I do miss my family and friends already. It was a successful trip, thank God! Behavior usage was minimized to a mere two times, as opposed to last year. Perhaps trips back home will become easier and easier until their not an issue at all anymore.
I got to see a bunch of people this trip, which caused a lot of anxiety considering I have gained a hell of a load of weight since I have seen many of them. Most people just reacted with the typical "OMG, Kelly, you look beautiful (or great, or so healthy, etc...). One person saw me and goes, "Wow, Kelly, you look nice and husky." Um, what the heck is THAT supposed to mean? Seriously? That caused major anxiety and self-depreciation.
Moving on, now I'm back in Tallahassee and all I can change is the future, not the past.
So theres a new fella since I last blogged. Nothing serious yet. We've been hanging out since early July. He's Venezuelan and his middle name is Rubio so I'll call him Rubes for confidentiality purposes. This is the story with Rubes: he just graduated and is looking for a job out of town, like far, far out of town (Tampa, Washington DC, Chicago, etc...). I met him through a different friend and we pretty much hang out often and stuff. But I tell ya, men are so confusing. We had a mini "talk" and we agreed on not "doing stuff" with other people. But he doesn't want a relationship. This was like a month ago and I don't know, its just weird. I want to be with him exclusively, but he doesn't seem like the good boyfriend type, not to mention he's possibly leaving. Should I tell him how I feel? Or just continue being physically exclusive with him? Ahh decisions!
Anyway, school is about to start and I know that can be a tough time for a lot of people in recovery. I know, for me, I get nervous and anxious about people I may meet and the social aspect of things. I want to remind all of you ladies and gentlemen that recovery and your wellness is your number one priority. All the rest will fall into place. Remember that there's so many other people that are just as nervous and anxious as you. If you're going away to school, make sure you set up a strong support network. Reach out for help! Counselors at schools are there to help you. Good luck and have fun!!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Is this it?
I'm in a miserable mood and all I can bring myself to do is blog about it. So here it goes...
I'm really homesick today. It's been a year since I've seen my family. I didn't even see them for Christmas! Flights from Florida to New York are a hell of an expense. I really want to just go home to New York and curl up in a ball and not worry about anything. But I already told work that I would be here until the end of July. Blah.
If I knew this is what recovery would look like, I would've stayed sick. At least then I was with people that loved me. Sure, they basically kept me alive, but AT LEAST I was surrounded with support. I feel like right now I have nothing. Nobody. No more Canopy Cove, no close friends, no family, NOTHING! Why am I here? Why am I doing this? This is too depressing and lonely to possibly survive in for much longer.
My reasons for not cutting are no longer there. I have no more accountability, even with the food things. I haven't purged in a few weeks, which is a blessing. I've also branched out my variety issue and have incorporated new foods into my diet (diet meaning food regimen). But what is keeping me going? I'm not sure.
I don't know, however, if moving home permanently is the answer. I still consider it a toxic environment. When I was there last year, I didn't exactly respond to my surroundings in such a glorious way. The scars from my past there are still fresh.
I guess I just don't know what to do anymore about anything. I have no answers, no guidance, no map. It would be fair to express my hopelessness right now.
And, NO, I don't want to talk about Cooper. He was too good to be true.
I'm really homesick today. It's been a year since I've seen my family. I didn't even see them for Christmas! Flights from Florida to New York are a hell of an expense. I really want to just go home to New York and curl up in a ball and not worry about anything. But I already told work that I would be here until the end of July. Blah.
If I knew this is what recovery would look like, I would've stayed sick. At least then I was with people that loved me. Sure, they basically kept me alive, but AT LEAST I was surrounded with support. I feel like right now I have nothing. Nobody. No more Canopy Cove, no close friends, no family, NOTHING! Why am I here? Why am I doing this? This is too depressing and lonely to possibly survive in for much longer.
My reasons for not cutting are no longer there. I have no more accountability, even with the food things. I haven't purged in a few weeks, which is a blessing. I've also branched out my variety issue and have incorporated new foods into my diet (diet meaning food regimen). But what is keeping me going? I'm not sure.
I don't know, however, if moving home permanently is the answer. I still consider it a toxic environment. When I was there last year, I didn't exactly respond to my surroundings in such a glorious way. The scars from my past there are still fresh.
I guess I just don't know what to do anymore about anything. I have no answers, no guidance, no map. It would be fair to express my hopelessness right now.
And, NO, I don't want to talk about Cooper. He was too good to be true.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
"I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us"
I'm happy to report that purging behaviors have been absent from my life for the past few weeks! Hooray! Of course its difficult, but everyday is a new day. And everyday without a behavior is a day closer to pure happiness.
I had a very strong urge to cut last week. I ended up going 3 days without my Abilify because I didn't get it filled in time and I couldn't pick it up because of work. I could really tell a difference when I went without it. If I have any advice for all of you- its to stay on your medication as prescribed! It makes such a big difference. Anyway, so I'll blame it on my inconsistent self-medication but my urges were very overwhelming. The only thing that got me through NOT doing it was the fact that I was going to see Cooper on the weekend, and I knew he'd be mad if he saw cuts.
So I didn't end up seeing Cooper. We had such an exciting weekend planned! Jimmy Buffett concert, Six Flags, and a Yankee vs. Braves game. But none of that happened because he was having some family issues. We basically went the entire weekend with only exchanging a few texts and pretty much no phone calls. This made me sad. Why is he being like this? What did I do?!
Well Sunday night I finally got a phone call. He had been really upset and I asked him if that's why he's been so distant lately. He told me it was. I guess that's normal for men to do- distance themselves when they're upset or depressed. Guys have never been known for talking about their emotions. He basically told me that he needed to get his life in order before he jumped into something serious with me. He said that he couldn't commit because he had issues that he wanted to situate first.
Oh. My. Goodness.
Of course in my dysfunctional brain, this registered as WHAT is wrong with me?!!! I even asked him. I said, through salty, out of control tears, "You always tell me how amazing I am and how perfect I am, then why don't you want me?" He calmly told me that it honestly had nothing to do with who I am, it was solely because he wanted to make himself a better person, and organize the problems in his life first.
"But we can still be friends," he says.
Those words pierce me worse than getting your nipples pierced. "I have enough friends," I said, "I need to at least know that there is still hope that someday we can be together." He told me there's "always hope". Pssh. What a cliche answer. But I'll take it.
Then this morning I got a phone call from him. Of course I was excited. I didn't show my excitement though. I waited like 5 rings before answering. Ha- take that, Cooper.
I think I said this when I was with Malcom, but I can't be with someone else when my heart is invested in Cooper. So it's been hard these past few days. I have once again resorted to feeling desperately lonely. And loneliness is by far the worst feeling in the world. They even consider one of the cruelest forms of punishment solitary confinement. But that's another story.
I had a very strong urge to cut last week. I ended up going 3 days without my Abilify because I didn't get it filled in time and I couldn't pick it up because of work. I could really tell a difference when I went without it. If I have any advice for all of you- its to stay on your medication as prescribed! It makes such a big difference. Anyway, so I'll blame it on my inconsistent self-medication but my urges were very overwhelming. The only thing that got me through NOT doing it was the fact that I was going to see Cooper on the weekend, and I knew he'd be mad if he saw cuts.
So I didn't end up seeing Cooper. We had such an exciting weekend planned! Jimmy Buffett concert, Six Flags, and a Yankee vs. Braves game. But none of that happened because he was having some family issues. We basically went the entire weekend with only exchanging a few texts and pretty much no phone calls. This made me sad. Why is he being like this? What did I do?!
Well Sunday night I finally got a phone call. He had been really upset and I asked him if that's why he's been so distant lately. He told me it was. I guess that's normal for men to do- distance themselves when they're upset or depressed. Guys have never been known for talking about their emotions. He basically told me that he needed to get his life in order before he jumped into something serious with me. He said that he couldn't commit because he had issues that he wanted to situate first.
Oh. My. Goodness.
Of course in my dysfunctional brain, this registered as WHAT is wrong with me?!!! I even asked him. I said, through salty, out of control tears, "You always tell me how amazing I am and how perfect I am, then why don't you want me?" He calmly told me that it honestly had nothing to do with who I am, it was solely because he wanted to make himself a better person, and organize the problems in his life first.
"But we can still be friends," he says.
Those words pierce me worse than getting your nipples pierced. "I have enough friends," I said, "I need to at least know that there is still hope that someday we can be together." He told me there's "always hope". Pssh. What a cliche answer. But I'll take it.
Then this morning I got a phone call from him. Of course I was excited. I didn't show my excitement though. I waited like 5 rings before answering. Ha- take that, Cooper.
I think I said this when I was with Malcom, but I can't be with someone else when my heart is invested in Cooper. So it's been hard these past few days. I have once again resorted to feeling desperately lonely. And loneliness is by far the worst feeling in the world. They even consider one of the cruelest forms of punishment solitary confinement. But that's another story.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Great Expectations
My main reason for this post is to try to organize my thoughts on my current situation without using other self-destructive behaviors.
Cooper and I spent the weekend together. It went great. We always have such a good time. Friday night he came to my apartment and we just snuggled and went to bed. Then Saturday, we got up and went to my favorite place in Tallahassee (Lake Ella). I then had a huge surprise for him. I planned to cook him his favorite meal, macaroni & cheese (which is a giant fear food- carbohydrates AND fats!). I was going to make it and eat it...with him...like a normal person.
Before the meal, I feel like I may have restricted. I had a smoothie and a few coffees for the entire day up until 6ish. Then came the starchy, cheesy goodness. I was so nervous and I even admitted this to him before taking my first bite. He made it easy though. The whole time he was telling me how perfect everything was and how he wished he could get meals like this everyday. That made me feel really great, that he genuinely appreciated what I was doing for him.
After dinner, I had planned to take him to salsa dancing lessons! But we ended up getting there late, so we just got some drinks and left.
If you can't tell, let me tell you something: I really like this guy. I know I've said this before, but he's clearly different from every other fella I've dated.
And since I can obviously tell that I'm ready to perhaps commit to him, and be exclusive to him, I decided to have the talk with him today.
I brought it up subtly, casually texting "Have you changed your Facebook status yet?".
He responded, "No. Why?"
Then he got busy with work so we didn't talk again until about an hour ago when he called me on the phone.
My point of view is simple. I just wanted to know whether or not we were exclusive or not, and if we were "boyfriend/ girlfriend". And, of course, if it was Facebook official.
Well, I should've known. Guys always make things more complicated than they should be.
He went into this long speech about how labels have expectations and he wants to continue just doing what we've been doing. Then I told him how its a completely fair question to ask if we are exclusive or not.
I'm just so confused right now. I never know how to think or feel when something like this happens. It feels like complete rejection. Even though he didn't say anything about leaving me. I have thought for months that I'm finally ready to be in a relationship. But am I? How will I ever know? If I'm constantly doubting myself and my partner, will I ever succeed with a man?
Just so many unanswered questions. And I have to admit, I had thoughts of cutting. Serious thoughts. But then I thought to myself He's going to see me in 2 weeks and what if he sees my scars? He'll never want me then. Sure, it's not the best reason because it was for someone else. But it's a reason. And ANY reason to not cut is a good enough reason.
Cooper and I spent the weekend together. It went great. We always have such a good time. Friday night he came to my apartment and we just snuggled and went to bed. Then Saturday, we got up and went to my favorite place in Tallahassee (Lake Ella). I then had a huge surprise for him. I planned to cook him his favorite meal, macaroni & cheese (which is a giant fear food- carbohydrates AND fats!). I was going to make it and eat it...with him...like a normal person.
Before the meal, I feel like I may have restricted. I had a smoothie and a few coffees for the entire day up until 6ish. Then came the starchy, cheesy goodness. I was so nervous and I even admitted this to him before taking my first bite. He made it easy though. The whole time he was telling me how perfect everything was and how he wished he could get meals like this everyday. That made me feel really great, that he genuinely appreciated what I was doing for him.
After dinner, I had planned to take him to salsa dancing lessons! But we ended up getting there late, so we just got some drinks and left.
If you can't tell, let me tell you something: I really like this guy. I know I've said this before, but he's clearly different from every other fella I've dated.
And since I can obviously tell that I'm ready to perhaps commit to him, and be exclusive to him, I decided to have the talk with him today.
I brought it up subtly, casually texting "Have you changed your Facebook status yet?".
He responded, "No. Why?"
Then he got busy with work so we didn't talk again until about an hour ago when he called me on the phone.
My point of view is simple. I just wanted to know whether or not we were exclusive or not, and if we were "boyfriend/ girlfriend". And, of course, if it was Facebook official.
Well, I should've known. Guys always make things more complicated than they should be.
He went into this long speech about how labels have expectations and he wants to continue just doing what we've been doing. Then I told him how its a completely fair question to ask if we are exclusive or not.
I'm just so confused right now. I never know how to think or feel when something like this happens. It feels like complete rejection. Even though he didn't say anything about leaving me. I have thought for months that I'm finally ready to be in a relationship. But am I? How will I ever know? If I'm constantly doubting myself and my partner, will I ever succeed with a man?
Just so many unanswered questions. And I have to admit, I had thoughts of cutting. Serious thoughts. But then I thought to myself He's going to see me in 2 weeks and what if he sees my scars? He'll never want me then. Sure, it's not the best reason because it was for someone else. But it's a reason. And ANY reason to not cut is a good enough reason.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
I'm just getting sucked deeper and deeper into the whirlpool of behaviors. It seems like my usage of them is slowly increasing and its scary. There's no way I want to be at the point I used to be. But in the past the only way I could get out of this rut was to go inpatient. I definitely don't want to do that. I have work! Is that a good enough excuse? Plus, the only place I would consider going back to is Canopy Cove. Can my heart afford to be ripped apart from them again? I'm not sure.
In other news, my weekend was a blast. Friday through Sunday I used no behaviors. I ended up taking a road trip to Atlanta. It was the best time I have had in such a long time. I desperately needed that too. Just some fun in my life, ya know?
My friend introduced me to his friend (I'll call him Cooper). We have been Skyping for a few weeks but then I finally got to meet him in person this weekend. I will tell you, he is SO much different than any other guy I've EVER dated. He's a little bit older (30), but that only means he is more mature. He wouldn't even kiss me at first because he said he liked me so much he didn't want things to just be based on physical stuff. Now you may be wondering about the Minister. Well, after our camping excursion, I heard very little from him to the point that it's been almost a week since we've talked.
Anyway, Cooper and I really hit it off and that's my point of this post. That, and the fact that I finally enjoyed myself. Even around food. Cooper knows about the eating disorder and once when we were eating lunch, he looked over at me taking a big slurp of soup and said, "You have never looked more beautiful than you do now." He really is super supportive. There isn't a day that goes by where he says how proud he is of me and how much of a fighter I am. It's nice to get some recognition of the battle I went through.
This weekend helped me realize that fun times are still possible. They are out there. Sometimes you just have to be aware of who you are surrounding yourself with. Make sure they're supportive and loving and you'll only have fun times.
In other news, my weekend was a blast. Friday through Sunday I used no behaviors. I ended up taking a road trip to Atlanta. It was the best time I have had in such a long time. I desperately needed that too. Just some fun in my life, ya know?
My friend introduced me to his friend (I'll call him Cooper). We have been Skyping for a few weeks but then I finally got to meet him in person this weekend. I will tell you, he is SO much different than any other guy I've EVER dated. He's a little bit older (30), but that only means he is more mature. He wouldn't even kiss me at first because he said he liked me so much he didn't want things to just be based on physical stuff. Now you may be wondering about the Minister. Well, after our camping excursion, I heard very little from him to the point that it's been almost a week since we've talked.
Anyway, Cooper and I really hit it off and that's my point of this post. That, and the fact that I finally enjoyed myself. Even around food. Cooper knows about the eating disorder and once when we were eating lunch, he looked over at me taking a big slurp of soup and said, "You have never looked more beautiful than you do now." He really is super supportive. There isn't a day that goes by where he says how proud he is of me and how much of a fighter I am. It's nice to get some recognition of the battle I went through.
This weekend helped me realize that fun times are still possible. They are out there. Sometimes you just have to be aware of who you are surrounding yourself with. Make sure they're supportive and loving and you'll only have fun times.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The Good. The Bad & The Ugly.
A night to remember! Sunday night the Minister and I went camping! He invited me Friday night and I for sure thought that between Friday and Sunday he would change his mind or something, because he always seemed to do that whenever we made plans. But this time was different. He told me, "I'm sorry. I'm done being sketchy."
So, Sunday I drove a few hours into an Alabama campground. It was so beautiful! We were right on the lake and under a bunch of trees. Sounds great, right? Except for the fact that it rained. The ENTIRE time we were there. At one point, since we were right by a bathhouse, we decided to just hang out in there to escape the possible tornado. Then the most romantic thing happened...He took out his iPhone and put on "I'll Be" (the slow lovey-dovey song). And we slow danced! Right there in the pouring rain! I was so happy! Despite being soaking wet and cold.
We cuddled at night in the tent and fell asleep. Well, "sleep" means tossing and turning all night. But it was still a great experience.
I think I'm still catching up on sleep from that night, but I've still managed to make it to work. Tuesday I had off and it was a miserable, eating disordered day.
It started out alright. I was able to sleep in and I recently switched up my breakfast adding a little variety, and I'm really enjoying it. But then Tuesday turned ugly.
A little back story (that is relevant to this blog): About 6 or so years ago I "dated" this guy. Well, i say "date", but if you would've asked him, he would've said "Oh, we're just hooking up". Anyway, he was a complete jerk. I mean disgusting, nasty, terrible, jerk. He called me names and said the most ugliest things to me. Then, sometime last year I decided to forgive him. Jesus forgave, and we are to be more like Jesus, right? So I accepted him friend requests and blah blah blah.
The, fast forward to yesterday. He called me on Skype and I innocently answered. Being wary of his former ways, I chatted about non-threatening things such as weather and stuff like that. But then he started saying and doing those nasty things again. And it brought me emotionally RIGHT back to when I was in high school and he was treating me like that. I had a bunch of flashbacks and started feeling those horrible, shameful feelings. So just overall I felt really terrible about myself.
The rest of the day was eating disordered. I did a horrible job with my meal plan and even used behaviors more than once. I'm not proud of it and I definitely don't want it to become a pattern. I did much better today. I squeezed in lunch before work, even though I could've easily skipped it and I promptly ate my dinner after work. Being sucked into the eating disorder IS an option, but not one I can afford right now for many reasons.
So, Sunday I drove a few hours into an Alabama campground. It was so beautiful! We were right on the lake and under a bunch of trees. Sounds great, right? Except for the fact that it rained. The ENTIRE time we were there. At one point, since we were right by a bathhouse, we decided to just hang out in there to escape the possible tornado. Then the most romantic thing happened...He took out his iPhone and put on "I'll Be" (the slow lovey-dovey song). And we slow danced! Right there in the pouring rain! I was so happy! Despite being soaking wet and cold.
We cuddled at night in the tent and fell asleep. Well, "sleep" means tossing and turning all night. But it was still a great experience.
I think I'm still catching up on sleep from that night, but I've still managed to make it to work. Tuesday I had off and it was a miserable, eating disordered day.
It started out alright. I was able to sleep in and I recently switched up my breakfast adding a little variety, and I'm really enjoying it. But then Tuesday turned ugly.
A little back story (that is relevant to this blog): About 6 or so years ago I "dated" this guy. Well, i say "date", but if you would've asked him, he would've said "Oh, we're just hooking up". Anyway, he was a complete jerk. I mean disgusting, nasty, terrible, jerk. He called me names and said the most ugliest things to me. Then, sometime last year I decided to forgive him. Jesus forgave, and we are to be more like Jesus, right? So I accepted him friend requests and blah blah blah.
The, fast forward to yesterday. He called me on Skype and I innocently answered. Being wary of his former ways, I chatted about non-threatening things such as weather and stuff like that. But then he started saying and doing those nasty things again. And it brought me emotionally RIGHT back to when I was in high school and he was treating me like that. I had a bunch of flashbacks and started feeling those horrible, shameful feelings. So just overall I felt really terrible about myself.
The rest of the day was eating disordered. I did a horrible job with my meal plan and even used behaviors more than once. I'm not proud of it and I definitely don't want it to become a pattern. I did much better today. I squeezed in lunch before work, even though I could've easily skipped it and I promptly ate my dinner after work. Being sucked into the eating disorder IS an option, but not one I can afford right now for many reasons.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Sex, Emotions & the Minister
What's up with all of this reckless behavior?
I feel horrible. I'm doing all of this negative stuff to myself and to my body and its beginning to take its toll on my heart.
First, it was cutting last week. And that affected me because it had been months and months since the last time I did that. My "cutless" streak died. Then, its reckless behavior with the male species. That never is good for a lady's heart. Karen once told me something that made a lot of sense to me. She said, "Kelly, God created sex. It truly is a beautiful thing when it's with the right person at the right time. But, He meant it to be between 2 soul mates because He knew that a woman's heart would be hurt if she had sex with someone who wasn't her soul mate. He did this to protect our hearts as women." I liked that. However, in the heat of the moment, who wants to explain that to a fella? He would probably just laugh and do his thing anyway. (Which is terrible, by the way). Lastly, the purging has resurfaced. I say this with the hardest time because I was so proud of myself for not doing it for months. Then one day, I couldn't help it. Lonliness, depression, sadness, everything just was overwhelming me. I couldn't function in my day without releasing all of this pressure building in my head. And since cutting led me to the Psych Ward, purging was my only option I felt like.
Eating normally seems like such an impossible task, although I know its not. I did it last year. I was telling my Mom the other day that the happiest I have been in the 10 years in my eating disorder was the fall of 2010. I was eating my meal plan, had closeness with friends, was taking my medicine as prescribed, and fellas were OUT of the picture. Life was so easy then, at least it felt like. Was it all superficial? Was it so easy because I was in the comfortable arms of Canopy Cove? I don't know. But I'm not there anymore, so I need to adjust to where I am currently.
In other news, I had a really interesting conversation with the Minister. Turns out he has bi-polar disorder! I guess I can kind of see it now because he always has such a hard time making up his mind and stuff. I haven't dealt with people with bi-polar in years but his mood swings aren't very bad at all. He said it was mild. I was just really happy that he opened up to me like that. I told him about my trip to the ER last week. I was hesitant, but he was very understanding. Plus, its his job to listen to people's troubles and help them through it. That's when he told me about his past, and the bi-polar. I still really like him and enjoy his company and conversation. We'll see what unfolds there...
I feel horrible. I'm doing all of this negative stuff to myself and to my body and its beginning to take its toll on my heart.
First, it was cutting last week. And that affected me because it had been months and months since the last time I did that. My "cutless" streak died. Then, its reckless behavior with the male species. That never is good for a lady's heart. Karen once told me something that made a lot of sense to me. She said, "Kelly, God created sex. It truly is a beautiful thing when it's with the right person at the right time. But, He meant it to be between 2 soul mates because He knew that a woman's heart would be hurt if she had sex with someone who wasn't her soul mate. He did this to protect our hearts as women." I liked that. However, in the heat of the moment, who wants to explain that to a fella? He would probably just laugh and do his thing anyway. (Which is terrible, by the way). Lastly, the purging has resurfaced. I say this with the hardest time because I was so proud of myself for not doing it for months. Then one day, I couldn't help it. Lonliness, depression, sadness, everything just was overwhelming me. I couldn't function in my day without releasing all of this pressure building in my head. And since cutting led me to the Psych Ward, purging was my only option I felt like.
Eating normally seems like such an impossible task, although I know its not. I did it last year. I was telling my Mom the other day that the happiest I have been in the 10 years in my eating disorder was the fall of 2010. I was eating my meal plan, had closeness with friends, was taking my medicine as prescribed, and fellas were OUT of the picture. Life was so easy then, at least it felt like. Was it all superficial? Was it so easy because I was in the comfortable arms of Canopy Cove? I don't know. But I'm not there anymore, so I need to adjust to where I am currently.
In other news, I had a really interesting conversation with the Minister. Turns out he has bi-polar disorder! I guess I can kind of see it now because he always has such a hard time making up his mind and stuff. I haven't dealt with people with bi-polar in years but his mood swings aren't very bad at all. He said it was mild. I was just really happy that he opened up to me like that. I told him about my trip to the ER last week. I was hesitant, but he was very understanding. Plus, its his job to listen to people's troubles and help them through it. That's when he told me about his past, and the bi-polar. I still really like him and enjoy his company and conversation. We'll see what unfolds there...
Friday, May 4, 2012
Scars remind me that the past is real
[Please note: This post is somewhat graphic]
This past weekend was a nightmare! To say the least. It started out pretty bad. There were some events that I'd rather not delve into, but they had to do with the male species. I always seem to make mistakes when it comes to them. When will I get it right?! What is so wrong with me that no one thinks I'm special enough?
Anyway, Saturday night was a lot of fun. I went out to the bar with a few friends, and ran into more friends when I was out. I literally only had 1.5 drinks, so no major drunken decisions were made. I shook my new booty and that is always fun.
Then Sunday showed up.
Sunday morning wasn't so bad; I had a nice phone conversation with my Mom and sister. I even got to chat with my nephew! But a few hours after I got off the phone the feelings started to flood me again. This time, more powerful than any recent times. I got the image of cutting in my head and although I remembered the contract I made with my therapist, I easily talked myself out of calling her for help.
You know that feeling that you literally cannot get anything done, even getting up off the bathroom floor, without cutting first? Well I got that feeling. I literally couldn't even brush my hair because I knew I had to cut to accomplish anything. Once I had that thought in my head, it does not go away.
So I cut. And cut. And cut. Basically all up and down my arm. I felt defeated and devastated, but FINALLY I cried and cried and cried. It felt so good to cry. I had not cried in a very long time and something about the cutting just let the tears flow. For a while I didn't even clean up my arm. I just watched it bleed, and watching the blood pour away was like watching my emotions leave my body.
Although I had no intentions of killing myself, I was still home alone (my roommate had left for the weekend). I was scared! I was scared I would let something else happen to me. So, I got in my car and drove to the Emergency Room- which ended up being the best worst decision ever.
They got me right into a desolate room surrounded by security guards. After being there for several hours, the social worker came in and said, "The doctor said since you were trying to kill yourself, we have decided to Baker Act you."
"WHAT?!" I yelled. I wanted to say, if I was trying to kill myself, I would NOT have done it this way!! But I didn't. Instead I just tried to brace myself for what was about to happen in the next 72 hours.
Oh, and since they had no beds in the Unit I was supposed to be in, they stuck me in the "acute" unit. (Which is a nice way of saying Extremely-Crazy-Person Unit) It's for people that are schizophrenic and for people that have gone completely off their medications. After a nightmarish night and half a day there, they transferred me to a more stable unit. One where I could actually have conversations with people.
I ended up getting out of the hospital Tuesday morning. I think its because I had a session with my therapist scheduled that day at 3pm. But either way, I was glad to get out of there. Needless to say it was nice to get out of the dress and undies I was wearing since Sunday!
Before all of this happened, I could've easily told you I was depressed, sad, and lonely. But I could not have told you I was going to end up in the hospital because of it. Even my Dad, who I talk to everyday, said to my Mom he didn't expect this. It just goes to show you how reckless and terrible the eating disorder and depression can be.
Now, I say it was the best worst decision I ever made going to the hospital, but I want you all to know the eating disorder thought it was the worst decision. It is important that if you ever have any self-harming thoughts, that's very serious and it is extremely responsible and important of you to take action and get help.
This past weekend was a nightmare! To say the least. It started out pretty bad. There were some events that I'd rather not delve into, but they had to do with the male species. I always seem to make mistakes when it comes to them. When will I get it right?! What is so wrong with me that no one thinks I'm special enough?
Anyway, Saturday night was a lot of fun. I went out to the bar with a few friends, and ran into more friends when I was out. I literally only had 1.5 drinks, so no major drunken decisions were made. I shook my new booty and that is always fun.
Then Sunday showed up.
Sunday morning wasn't so bad; I had a nice phone conversation with my Mom and sister. I even got to chat with my nephew! But a few hours after I got off the phone the feelings started to flood me again. This time, more powerful than any recent times. I got the image of cutting in my head and although I remembered the contract I made with my therapist, I easily talked myself out of calling her for help.
You know that feeling that you literally cannot get anything done, even getting up off the bathroom floor, without cutting first? Well I got that feeling. I literally couldn't even brush my hair because I knew I had to cut to accomplish anything. Once I had that thought in my head, it does not go away.
So I cut. And cut. And cut. Basically all up and down my arm. I felt defeated and devastated, but FINALLY I cried and cried and cried. It felt so good to cry. I had not cried in a very long time and something about the cutting just let the tears flow. For a while I didn't even clean up my arm. I just watched it bleed, and watching the blood pour away was like watching my emotions leave my body.
Although I had no intentions of killing myself, I was still home alone (my roommate had left for the weekend). I was scared! I was scared I would let something else happen to me. So, I got in my car and drove to the Emergency Room- which ended up being the best worst decision ever.
They got me right into a desolate room surrounded by security guards. After being there for several hours, the social worker came in and said, "The doctor said since you were trying to kill yourself, we have decided to Baker Act you."
"WHAT?!" I yelled. I wanted to say, if I was trying to kill myself, I would NOT have done it this way!! But I didn't. Instead I just tried to brace myself for what was about to happen in the next 72 hours.
Oh, and since they had no beds in the Unit I was supposed to be in, they stuck me in the "acute" unit. (Which is a nice way of saying Extremely-Crazy-Person Unit) It's for people that are schizophrenic and for people that have gone completely off their medications. After a nightmarish night and half a day there, they transferred me to a more stable unit. One where I could actually have conversations with people.
I ended up getting out of the hospital Tuesday morning. I think its because I had a session with my therapist scheduled that day at 3pm. But either way, I was glad to get out of there. Needless to say it was nice to get out of the dress and undies I was wearing since Sunday!
Before all of this happened, I could've easily told you I was depressed, sad, and lonely. But I could not have told you I was going to end up in the hospital because of it. Even my Dad, who I talk to everyday, said to my Mom he didn't expect this. It just goes to show you how reckless and terrible the eating disorder and depression can be.
Now, I say it was the best worst decision I ever made going to the hospital, but I want you all to know the eating disorder thought it was the worst decision. It is important that if you ever have any self-harming thoughts, that's very serious and it is extremely responsible and important of you to take action and get help.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
"Of all the colors that you shine, this is surely not your best"
I wouldn't say this past week has been bad. But I wouldn't say it's been good either. I mean, nothing terrible has happened. I had a date Saturday night. (It wasn't with the Minister). It was a new guy. We went out for sushi (my default date setting) and then had drinks after.
Can I just ask a question?
Why are men so freaking complicated?!
He was overall a jerk. But he was super attractive so I guess I played shallow for the night and hung out with him. Whatever, I don't care anymore. I'm starting not to care about anything anymore. Back to the point of not caring what I do to my body or what happens to it. Anyway, it was fun in a "this-is-the-only-time-we're-doing-this" kind of way. He even flat out told me, "I'm not going to be your boyfriend". Jerk. But I'm used to that by now. I guess I just have really low expectations of guys, and myself. My question above comes from a really messed up, lame point of view. He had too much to drink (of course), and he told me, "Someday you'll make a guy really happy. If my ex hadn't [explicit]ed me over last year, I would totally be falling in love with you right now."
Seriously? Is all I have to say and think.
I won't get into the rest of the important details because I'm sure you can assume what happened.
In other news, my feelings of despair and overall loneliness are overwhelming. I feel like I don't have anything anymore. Or anybody.
Sure, my church friends are great! And super nice and sweet and welcoming, but honestly, I feel like I'm too messed up and flawed to spend time with them. Like, if they really knew what I do, they wouldn't accept me.
Even my dad the other day was like, "Don't you have any girl friends?"
Gee-thanks Dad. Tell me, father, where in the world am I supposed to go make new friends? Everyone either already is settled into their friend group, or something. I try, trust me, I try to reach out to people as much as I can but something just keeps me from a true friendship. And that makes me sad.
Over the weekend, I had a lot of thoughts of cutting and a few thoughts of purging. I haven't cut since December and I haven't purged since February 5th. So, in that aspect, I'm doing pretty well. But the only thing keeping me from cutting was not wanting to go into work and have a bunch of 5 year olds ask "What happened to your arm, Miss. Kelly?"
I had a therapy session yesterday and after an hour of emotion, we decided I needed some accountability. So, I made a contract for this week only (until my next session) that I would not cut or purge, and if I got urges to do so, I would call her.
Can I just ask a question?
Why are men so freaking complicated?!
He was overall a jerk. But he was super attractive so I guess I played shallow for the night and hung out with him. Whatever, I don't care anymore. I'm starting not to care about anything anymore. Back to the point of not caring what I do to my body or what happens to it. Anyway, it was fun in a "this-is-the-only-time-we're-doing-this" kind of way. He even flat out told me, "I'm not going to be your boyfriend". Jerk. But I'm used to that by now. I guess I just have really low expectations of guys, and myself. My question above comes from a really messed up, lame point of view. He had too much to drink (of course), and he told me, "Someday you'll make a guy really happy. If my ex hadn't [explicit]ed me over last year, I would totally be falling in love with you right now."
Seriously? Is all I have to say and think.
I won't get into the rest of the important details because I'm sure you can assume what happened.
In other news, my feelings of despair and overall loneliness are overwhelming. I feel like I don't have anything anymore. Or anybody.
Sure, my church friends are great! And super nice and sweet and welcoming, but honestly, I feel like I'm too messed up and flawed to spend time with them. Like, if they really knew what I do, they wouldn't accept me.
Even my dad the other day was like, "Don't you have any girl friends?"
Gee-thanks Dad. Tell me, father, where in the world am I supposed to go make new friends? Everyone either already is settled into their friend group, or something. I try, trust me, I try to reach out to people as much as I can but something just keeps me from a true friendship. And that makes me sad.
Over the weekend, I had a lot of thoughts of cutting and a few thoughts of purging. I haven't cut since December and I haven't purged since February 5th. So, in that aspect, I'm doing pretty well. But the only thing keeping me from cutting was not wanting to go into work and have a bunch of 5 year olds ask "What happened to your arm, Miss. Kelly?"
I had a therapy session yesterday and after an hour of emotion, we decided I needed some accountability. So, I made a contract for this week only (until my next session) that I would not cut or purge, and if I got urges to do so, I would call her.
Friday, April 13, 2012
"Kiss me beneath the milky twilight..."
Here's a follow up of my date with the Minister (in case you care):
We met in Alabama, which suprisingly is only like an hour and a half from me, but anyway...we met at this really cool art museum. I don't think he appreciated it as much as I did but whatever. It was still fun. Then we just drove around Dothan and chatted. Then he mentioned dinner. I always hate it when anyone asks, "Are you hungry?" or "Do you want to eat?". I don't think he, or anyone without an eating disorder, would understand if I ranted about how I still don't quite understand or rely on my hunger cues. So i didn't bother trying that. I just said, "if you're hungry then we can go eat somewhere." It seemed to work. So we ended up going to Ruby Tuesdays which was good. I ordered fish with zucchini and squash, and although I didn't eat all of it, I still ate probably the "recommended by Ashlee" 4 ounces. But eating in front of guys is still definitely an issue for me. I feel like its a major weakness on my part. Why can't I deny my hunger? Why can't I control these bodily urges and cues? I always used to be able to! Oh, and I used MAJOR rituals. I cut my zucchini into fourths and I even cut my spaghetti squash into sections. Then, of course, I had to start eating after he did and finish before he did, AND stop eating when he stopped eating. So many darn rituals!! But at least I ate something. That was my victory.
As far as things after that, they only got better. It was getting dark, so he grabbed a sleeping bag he had in his truck and we went to a local park. We then star gazed for a while in each others arms! So romantic! It made me so happy. And it made me happy too that I know he's a good person. Unlike a lot of the DBs I've dated. (If you don't know what DB is, ask me later). There was no kiss involved but I was okay with that. I asked him if I'd see him again and he said "yes".
So it was an excellent day with the Minister. Finally...a God fearing man!!!
We met in Alabama, which suprisingly is only like an hour and a half from me, but anyway...we met at this really cool art museum. I don't think he appreciated it as much as I did but whatever. It was still fun. Then we just drove around Dothan and chatted. Then he mentioned dinner. I always hate it when anyone asks, "Are you hungry?" or "Do you want to eat?". I don't think he, or anyone without an eating disorder, would understand if I ranted about how I still don't quite understand or rely on my hunger cues. So i didn't bother trying that. I just said, "if you're hungry then we can go eat somewhere." It seemed to work. So we ended up going to Ruby Tuesdays which was good. I ordered fish with zucchini and squash, and although I didn't eat all of it, I still ate probably the "recommended by Ashlee" 4 ounces. But eating in front of guys is still definitely an issue for me. I feel like its a major weakness on my part. Why can't I deny my hunger? Why can't I control these bodily urges and cues? I always used to be able to! Oh, and I used MAJOR rituals. I cut my zucchini into fourths and I even cut my spaghetti squash into sections. Then, of course, I had to start eating after he did and finish before he did, AND stop eating when he stopped eating. So many darn rituals!! But at least I ate something. That was my victory.
As far as things after that, they only got better. It was getting dark, so he grabbed a sleeping bag he had in his truck and we went to a local park. We then star gazed for a while in each others arms! So romantic! It made me so happy. And it made me happy too that I know he's a good person. Unlike a lot of the DBs I've dated. (If you don't know what DB is, ask me later). There was no kiss involved but I was okay with that. I asked him if I'd see him again and he said "yes".
So it was an excellent day with the Minister. Finally...a God fearing man!!!
Monday, April 9, 2012
You can't spell PRODUCTIVITY without "I DO IT"
Productivity is essential to be successful I've decided. Thankfully, I have been feeling productive lately. A few days ago I bought a sketchbook and pencils from Michael's. If you know me, then you would know that I love anything artsy. Well, all of my art supplies are in New York still from when I was going to art school. So this week, after years of not really following my artsy side, I broke out the sketchbook and started drawing. Since I bought it, I've been drawing every day. And this may seem like a simple "hobby" or whatever, but really, even if I do nothing all day (like if its a Saturday or Sunday), and I draw a sketch, I still feel accomplished. Productive. And productivity is the key to success.
In other news, I have still been seeing my new therapist, Dr. St. Hillier, once a week since my Canopy Cove stay ended. Suprisingly, the sessions are going well. Shes older than any of the therapists at Canopy Cove. She's very grandmotherly, and I like that. I thought it would be awkward to talk about guys and sex and stuff like that, but it isn't. She makes me feel really comfortable. Plus, she has two tiny pups that get to play with me during our sessions. Pet therapy rules!
The dating scene has actually been kind of active lately. Like yesterday for instance, I went to Starbucks (as usual) and this guy randomly started talking to me. We exchanged numbers or whatever and I met him today to walk at Lake Ella. He went to kiss me but I totally denied him. It felt good to be in charge of what happens. Thats something I never would have done years ago in high school. I didn't care what happened to my body or soul back then. I just got a very platonic vibe from him, which is fine. There's nothing wrong with friends. I think I just tend to lead guys on because I'm so friendly. Oops!
Plus, there's one guy in particular who currently has my attention. I hate saying this so soon but I think something could develop with him. I don't necessarily think this about every guy but with him it's different. Why? It's because he makes me want to be a better person. And because we have meaningful conversations. He asks me questions like "How do you picture God?" and "If you had a song to define your life, what would it be?". He gets me thinking, and I like that. Did I mention he's a minister?! I'll be sure to keep you all updated.
Eating.....
Ughh, do I really have to talk about it?
It's been the same. Day after day after day. Same thing for breakfast, and dinner. There's seldom a lunch involved. And when I do eat, I really rush through it because I don't want to be eating. I still can't get over the way it makes me feel- yet I'm still cautious about getting that "empty" feeling in my stomach. I know once I get the "empty" feeling, its near impossible to start back up on any type of meal plan.
So although eating has been stagnant, dating and my newly resurrected love for art have been keeping me hopeful and positive...and productive.
In other news, I have still been seeing my new therapist, Dr. St. Hillier, once a week since my Canopy Cove stay ended. Suprisingly, the sessions are going well. Shes older than any of the therapists at Canopy Cove. She's very grandmotherly, and I like that. I thought it would be awkward to talk about guys and sex and stuff like that, but it isn't. She makes me feel really comfortable. Plus, she has two tiny pups that get to play with me during our sessions. Pet therapy rules!
The dating scene has actually been kind of active lately. Like yesterday for instance, I went to Starbucks (as usual) and this guy randomly started talking to me. We exchanged numbers or whatever and I met him today to walk at Lake Ella. He went to kiss me but I totally denied him. It felt good to be in charge of what happens. Thats something I never would have done years ago in high school. I didn't care what happened to my body or soul back then. I just got a very platonic vibe from him, which is fine. There's nothing wrong with friends. I think I just tend to lead guys on because I'm so friendly. Oops!
Plus, there's one guy in particular who currently has my attention. I hate saying this so soon but I think something could develop with him. I don't necessarily think this about every guy but with him it's different. Why? It's because he makes me want to be a better person. And because we have meaningful conversations. He asks me questions like "How do you picture God?" and "If you had a song to define your life, what would it be?". He gets me thinking, and I like that. Did I mention he's a minister?! I'll be sure to keep you all updated.
Eating.....
Ughh, do I really have to talk about it?
It's been the same. Day after day after day. Same thing for breakfast, and dinner. There's seldom a lunch involved. And when I do eat, I really rush through it because I don't want to be eating. I still can't get over the way it makes me feel- yet I'm still cautious about getting that "empty" feeling in my stomach. I know once I get the "empty" feeling, its near impossible to start back up on any type of meal plan.
So although eating has been stagnant, dating and my newly resurrected love for art have been keeping me hopeful and positive...and productive.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Timmy
Word of the week: Stress.
There's no easy way to put it, but on Saturday morning, around 8am, my cousin's husband shot and killed himself. Apparently, he had been suffering from some depression and there might have been financial problems. That doesn't make it any easier to comprehend or understand though.
Timmy was only 40 years old and he had 2 little girls, one was about 6 months old. I remember he was such a great, amazing guy, especially compared to the other guys my cousin had dated. We truly considered Timmy part of the family from the minute they were married. He had a handsome smile, and he could make anyone laugh with his witty sense of humor. His presence brought an ease to the room. He wouldn't let me escape a hug when I left family gatherings. I always looked forward to his Facebook posts of their little girls, Sophia and Sidney.
The last time I saw him was last July at my other cousin's wedding. He had some great dance moves that he passed on to Sophia. He wasn't shy at all! I remember since my father hadn't gone to the wedding (because of Mom/ Dad drama), I said in front of him "Well as long as both of my parents are at my wedding, right?" and then Timmy stepped up and said "If both your Mom and Dad aren't there, I'll go with my bare hands and pick them up and bring them." It made me smile.
Even though we weren't extremely close, my heart is still aching. And it aches for Michelle (my cousin, Sophia and Sidney). Yesterday was his birthday...and his calling hours. Today was the funeral. My mother told me that the wake had over 800 people there, and the funeral must've been as equally large. There is no doubt he was loved by so many people, including me.
I still feel like he'll be there when I come home this summer. But he won't. And he won't be there when I get married. Or at Christmas. Or at Thanksgiving.
I think I'm especially hurt by his death because I know EXACTLY how he felt in the last few minutes of his life. I was there before. I know what it's like to want to die more than anything in the world. I know what it's like to be so depressed that the only outlet you can imagine is the one that ends in your own funeral. I know how it feels to want to kill your physical body to stop your emotional pain. We might have had different situations, but death is death. Death is the ultimate and permanent solution to such a temporary problem.
What made him actually pull the trigger? Why couldn't he have gotten help? WHY did he do this?
There's so many questions, that I'm not sure if I'll ever know the answer to. Like, what was God's purpose behind this? He has a purpose for every little thing that happens, but c'mon, God, why this? I'm not mad at God... I don't think. I'm just confused.
Timmy, I love you so much and you will always be in my heart and mind. I might not have ever openly told you how much I loved you and how happy I am that you were part of our family, but please know that now. Michelle, Sophia and Sidney are strong and even though you are no longer here to comfort them, they have lots of people that love them too. You will NEVER be forgotten. I hope up in Heaven you and the angels are dancing like you were at the wedding and that you get to have some wrestling matches since that was one of your passions. I will see you someday in Heaven, Timmy. Love you always.
There's no easy way to put it, but on Saturday morning, around 8am, my cousin's husband shot and killed himself. Apparently, he had been suffering from some depression and there might have been financial problems. That doesn't make it any easier to comprehend or understand though.
Timmy was only 40 years old and he had 2 little girls, one was about 6 months old. I remember he was such a great, amazing guy, especially compared to the other guys my cousin had dated. We truly considered Timmy part of the family from the minute they were married. He had a handsome smile, and he could make anyone laugh with his witty sense of humor. His presence brought an ease to the room. He wouldn't let me escape a hug when I left family gatherings. I always looked forward to his Facebook posts of their little girls, Sophia and Sidney.
The last time I saw him was last July at my other cousin's wedding. He had some great dance moves that he passed on to Sophia. He wasn't shy at all! I remember since my father hadn't gone to the wedding (because of Mom/ Dad drama), I said in front of him "Well as long as both of my parents are at my wedding, right?" and then Timmy stepped up and said "If both your Mom and Dad aren't there, I'll go with my bare hands and pick them up and bring them." It made me smile.
Even though we weren't extremely close, my heart is still aching. And it aches for Michelle (my cousin, Sophia and Sidney). Yesterday was his birthday...and his calling hours. Today was the funeral. My mother told me that the wake had over 800 people there, and the funeral must've been as equally large. There is no doubt he was loved by so many people, including me.
I still feel like he'll be there when I come home this summer. But he won't. And he won't be there when I get married. Or at Christmas. Or at Thanksgiving.
I think I'm especially hurt by his death because I know EXACTLY how he felt in the last few minutes of his life. I was there before. I know what it's like to want to die more than anything in the world. I know what it's like to be so depressed that the only outlet you can imagine is the one that ends in your own funeral. I know how it feels to want to kill your physical body to stop your emotional pain. We might have had different situations, but death is death. Death is the ultimate and permanent solution to such a temporary problem.
What made him actually pull the trigger? Why couldn't he have gotten help? WHY did he do this?
There's so many questions, that I'm not sure if I'll ever know the answer to. Like, what was God's purpose behind this? He has a purpose for every little thing that happens, but c'mon, God, why this? I'm not mad at God... I don't think. I'm just confused.
Timmy, I love you so much and you will always be in my heart and mind. I might not have ever openly told you how much I loved you and how happy I am that you were part of our family, but please know that now. Michelle, Sophia and Sidney are strong and even though you are no longer here to comfort them, they have lots of people that love them too. You will NEVER be forgotten. I hope up in Heaven you and the angels are dancing like you were at the wedding and that you get to have some wrestling matches since that was one of your passions. I will see you someday in Heaven, Timmy. Love you always.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
How to Save a Life
I knew this day would come. I had been tempted with the fate before, but this time it's real, and I'm devestated.
I went into program yesterday, like any other Monday. I started to get my breakfast ready, and Karen walked over and casually said "Oh, by the way, your insurance told us no more." I knew what that meant. I didn't fret over it at that time because I figured she would appeal, like they have had to do the past 3 times insurance said that. But NO! Karen said, "We will spend our session looking for a local therapist and dietician online." What?!!
It was really hard to say goodbye. Mainly because I only was able to say goodbye to Karen. I sobbingly told her that I'll never forget Canopy Cove because they saved my life. I told her that all of them would forever be in my heart. Frankly, though, I think I should've gotten a more proper goodbye. Maybe even a well-wish? I mean, 2 years with the place. C'mon...
It shouldn't feel like such a big stinkin' deal; but it is to me. This group of people took me into their lives, under their wings when I had a low chance of living. I was at the worst point in my life and these people still loved me, like my family. They were my family. We spent Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthdays, every other holiday together. They were there for me when my family physically couldn't be. They loved me when I felt so unloveable. They saved me from myself.
So, when someone says, "Yeah it's okay to be sad but this is a good thing" or "Sure it's sad but it's time to move on, you knew it would come at some point", I can't help but feel a little ticked off. If your family who brought you out of your "pit" and saved your life suddenly vanished and you couldn't contact them again because of "boundary" issues, wouldn't you be a little bit devestated?
I never imagined what my life would be like after leaving Canopy Cove. But I can tell you, the way it is now wasn't in the cards. I'm still really struggling, which is why it puzzles me why they didn't try to appeal again. I also never imagined the amazing things I would accomplish during my stay at Canopy Cove. I did things that scared me to death just 2 years ago. I'm driving on my own, living on my own, working, dating, going to school. Those are just a few of the major things I'm proud to say I did with Canopy Cove's help. Karen made a good point yesterday: Canopy Cove has been like my personal cheerleader. They have encouraged me to do my best, pushed me past the uncomfortable phases, and been there when I thought things would never improve. But we can all live without a cheerleader. Right?
I doubt whether I can do this on my own. And by this I mean life. Life is so difficult, and then try throwing in an eating disorder?! Geezum. I need to expect things to be hard, I guess. Expect flaws, expect lapses, expect imperfection. Because LIFE is imperfect. And I am grateful to have my life back now.
"Celebrate we will because life is short, but sweet for certain."
-DMB
I went into program yesterday, like any other Monday. I started to get my breakfast ready, and Karen walked over and casually said "Oh, by the way, your insurance told us no more." I knew what that meant. I didn't fret over it at that time because I figured she would appeal, like they have had to do the past 3 times insurance said that. But NO! Karen said, "We will spend our session looking for a local therapist and dietician online." What?!!
It was really hard to say goodbye. Mainly because I only was able to say goodbye to Karen. I sobbingly told her that I'll never forget Canopy Cove because they saved my life. I told her that all of them would forever be in my heart. Frankly, though, I think I should've gotten a more proper goodbye. Maybe even a well-wish? I mean, 2 years with the place. C'mon...
It shouldn't feel like such a big stinkin' deal; but it is to me. This group of people took me into their lives, under their wings when I had a low chance of living. I was at the worst point in my life and these people still loved me, like my family. They were my family. We spent Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthdays, every other holiday together. They were there for me when my family physically couldn't be. They loved me when I felt so unloveable. They saved me from myself.
So, when someone says, "Yeah it's okay to be sad but this is a good thing" or "Sure it's sad but it's time to move on, you knew it would come at some point", I can't help but feel a little ticked off. If your family who brought you out of your "pit" and saved your life suddenly vanished and you couldn't contact them again because of "boundary" issues, wouldn't you be a little bit devestated?
I never imagined what my life would be like after leaving Canopy Cove. But I can tell you, the way it is now wasn't in the cards. I'm still really struggling, which is why it puzzles me why they didn't try to appeal again. I also never imagined the amazing things I would accomplish during my stay at Canopy Cove. I did things that scared me to death just 2 years ago. I'm driving on my own, living on my own, working, dating, going to school. Those are just a few of the major things I'm proud to say I did with Canopy Cove's help. Karen made a good point yesterday: Canopy Cove has been like my personal cheerleader. They have encouraged me to do my best, pushed me past the uncomfortable phases, and been there when I thought things would never improve. But we can all live without a cheerleader. Right?
I doubt whether I can do this on my own. And by this I mean life. Life is so difficult, and then try throwing in an eating disorder?! Geezum. I need to expect things to be hard, I guess. Expect flaws, expect lapses, expect imperfection. Because LIFE is imperfect. And I am grateful to have my life back now.
"Celebrate we will because life is short, but sweet for certain."
-DMB
Monday, February 13, 2012
Potpourri of Emotion
If you have been following my blog, you may recall a post I did a few months ago telling you about how when I was 21, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis in my hips, spine and neck. To put it simply, I was devestated. This is a disease for OLD WOMEN, post-menopausal women. Not me! At the time, I was a victim to one of the many symptoms of an eating disorder. My doctor told me I had until I was 30 years old to reverse it. If not, I would be stuck with the osteoporosis for my life.
Well, I'm happy to report that 2 weeks ago, I had a follow-up bone density scan, and my osteoporosis has started to reverse! Now, it's only at the osteopenic stage! Hooray! I really am happy about it, and although there is still significant bone loss there, I'm taking the right direction to fully reverse it.
Besides that, literally nothing thrilling or exciting has happened. I am still going to Canopy Cove twice a week in the mornings, working Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons, and going to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I almost wish something-anything- would happen to me, so I have some high in my life.
I'm still desperately lonely. I long so badly to be with people. You could say that I have plenty of "acquaintances", but no one close enough to really talk to, or open up to. I just want a freakin' best friend! Is that so hard to ask?! I started going to the Women's group at my church. We meet every Wednesday night, and we will be reading Love Revealed. But can I be honest? I feel like I'm too flawed to be close and honest with my church friends. I feel like I have too many issues or problems, that I'm ashamed of and if I truly open up to these people, they may judge me or not accept me.
If you're wondering, my love life is at 0%. That will make for a lovely Valentine's Day tomorrow.
I guess that brings me to my eating. Just like with every other aspect of my life, my eating life is basically as boring. I literally have the same thing for breakfast everyday, lunch occurs occasionally, and dinner and snack are the same thing everyday (not to mention they are basically snacks). I'm pretty much getting all my exchanges in, but with absolutely no variety. Trust me- Ashlee has gotten on my case about this for weeks, but I can't seem to break this little rut I'm in. It really is boring. There's nothing to look forward to and it's starting to make the idea of potential future dinner dates sound impossible.
Lastly, I want to say how much I miss my family. Sure, I talk to them several times a week but I feel like I just really need them right now. I haven't seen them since July. This is the longest I've gone without seeing them. Plus, my nephews are growing so fast and I want to be a special part of their lives. It's crazy how I went from 2 years ago relying on them for literally every little part of my life, to now where I have to pretty much solely rely on myself. I guess that's a part of growing up.
Well, I'm happy to report that 2 weeks ago, I had a follow-up bone density scan, and my osteoporosis has started to reverse! Now, it's only at the osteopenic stage! Hooray! I really am happy about it, and although there is still significant bone loss there, I'm taking the right direction to fully reverse it.
Besides that, literally nothing thrilling or exciting has happened. I am still going to Canopy Cove twice a week in the mornings, working Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons, and going to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I almost wish something-anything- would happen to me, so I have some high in my life.
I'm still desperately lonely. I long so badly to be with people. You could say that I have plenty of "acquaintances", but no one close enough to really talk to, or open up to. I just want a freakin' best friend! Is that so hard to ask?! I started going to the Women's group at my church. We meet every Wednesday night, and we will be reading Love Revealed. But can I be honest? I feel like I'm too flawed to be close and honest with my church friends. I feel like I have too many issues or problems, that I'm ashamed of and if I truly open up to these people, they may judge me or not accept me.
If you're wondering, my love life is at 0%. That will make for a lovely Valentine's Day tomorrow.
I guess that brings me to my eating. Just like with every other aspect of my life, my eating life is basically as boring. I literally have the same thing for breakfast everyday, lunch occurs occasionally, and dinner and snack are the same thing everyday (not to mention they are basically snacks). I'm pretty much getting all my exchanges in, but with absolutely no variety. Trust me- Ashlee has gotten on my case about this for weeks, but I can't seem to break this little rut I'm in. It really is boring. There's nothing to look forward to and it's starting to make the idea of potential future dinner dates sound impossible.
Lastly, I want to say how much I miss my family. Sure, I talk to them several times a week but I feel like I just really need them right now. I haven't seen them since July. This is the longest I've gone without seeing them. Plus, my nephews are growing so fast and I want to be a special part of their lives. It's crazy how I went from 2 years ago relying on them for literally every little part of my life, to now where I have to pretty much solely rely on myself. I guess that's a part of growing up.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
I saw a photograph...
Can we take a second and talk about pictures?
Pictures can be great. We use them to capture memories, and use them to look back and reflect on times that have passed. People can make a living off of photographing good times, and bad ones too. We can look at pictures from decades ago, and from seconds ago as well.
So then why and how can pictures be so destructive?
Quick story: Yesterday I was briefly looking through an old photo album from seven years ago that I have saved online. SEVEN years ago, only a few years after the onset of my eating disorder. I instantly became enraged at my current self, asking myself How did I let myself transform into this current state of a sloppy pig?! I was FLAT in places that are now CURVY. I had BONES pertruding where now I have CUSHIONING. I had THICK HAIR where now, after years of malnutrition, I have BRITTLE and THIN HAIR. I was so mad at myself yesterday.
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. My current self often gets jealous of my former self. Almost like, I know I can do that, I did it before. Somewhere in me I have the ability to be sick like that again.
I avoided pictures at all costs in the time before my admission to Canopy Cove, but I couldn't escape all of them. Of course, their on Facebook (like everything else). And of course, I got all sorts of comments from all kinds of "friends". I knew they meant the best for me, but I honestly didn't want to hear it. I guess thats a different story though. Anyway, I still have those pictures on my Facebook. I could easily "untag" myself, or better yet, completely delete them. But something in me is stopping me. I need to keep them up. It's almost like I need to prove to myself and everyone else that I was sick and that I struggled, and that I possess the ability to "be the best anorexic around". That probably sounds horrible, but if you think about it, that was my "best" quality. And by "best", I mean my most used, abused and my main identity. If you had a best quality, wouldn't you want people to remember it?
I take a look at those sick pictures every once in a while. It's not a good idea. Every time I look at them, that jealous, enraged, and sad feeling comes over me. But, like I said, I just can't delete them.
If you're wondering what happened last night as a result of looking at my pictures from seven years ago, you'll be pleasantly suprised. I actually did some healthy reasoning in my head. Seven years ago? I was 16 years old. Of course I was flat and boney. I was just a teenager. Plus, I was in the midst of an eating disorder. Now? I'm 23 years old. I am a woman! With hopes of bearing babies. A woman needs CURVES, breasts, hips and a little jiggle to house a baby for 9 months. And, yes, my hair is brittle and thin, but with restoring my nutrition, my hair will grow back better. Not to mention, I'm in RECOVERY. A few extra pounds than what I'm used to won't kill me; the state I was in 2 years ago will.
So if I had to suggest anything about old photographs, it would be not to look at the physical parts of it. Don't dwell on how you looked ("good" or "bad"). Instead, think about HOW you were during that time. Was it a positive memory? Did you feel good about yourself then? If it was a sick picture, the answer is probably no. Who were you with in the picture? How did you feel during that exact moment in time?
Or you could always burn your old pictures.
Pictures can be great. We use them to capture memories, and use them to look back and reflect on times that have passed. People can make a living off of photographing good times, and bad ones too. We can look at pictures from decades ago, and from seconds ago as well.
So then why and how can pictures be so destructive?
Quick story: Yesterday I was briefly looking through an old photo album from seven years ago that I have saved online. SEVEN years ago, only a few years after the onset of my eating disorder. I instantly became enraged at my current self, asking myself How did I let myself transform into this current state of a sloppy pig?! I was FLAT in places that are now CURVY. I had BONES pertruding where now I have CUSHIONING. I had THICK HAIR where now, after years of malnutrition, I have BRITTLE and THIN HAIR. I was so mad at myself yesterday.
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. My current self often gets jealous of my former self. Almost like, I know I can do that, I did it before. Somewhere in me I have the ability to be sick like that again.
I avoided pictures at all costs in the time before my admission to Canopy Cove, but I couldn't escape all of them. Of course, their on Facebook (like everything else). And of course, I got all sorts of comments from all kinds of "friends". I knew they meant the best for me, but I honestly didn't want to hear it. I guess thats a different story though. Anyway, I still have those pictures on my Facebook. I could easily "untag" myself, or better yet, completely delete them. But something in me is stopping me. I need to keep them up. It's almost like I need to prove to myself and everyone else that I was sick and that I struggled, and that I possess the ability to "be the best anorexic around". That probably sounds horrible, but if you think about it, that was my "best" quality. And by "best", I mean my most used, abused and my main identity. If you had a best quality, wouldn't you want people to remember it?
I take a look at those sick pictures every once in a while. It's not a good idea. Every time I look at them, that jealous, enraged, and sad feeling comes over me. But, like I said, I just can't delete them.
If you're wondering what happened last night as a result of looking at my pictures from seven years ago, you'll be pleasantly suprised. I actually did some healthy reasoning in my head. Seven years ago? I was 16 years old. Of course I was flat and boney. I was just a teenager. Plus, I was in the midst of an eating disorder. Now? I'm 23 years old. I am a woman! With hopes of bearing babies. A woman needs CURVES, breasts, hips and a little jiggle to house a baby for 9 months. And, yes, my hair is brittle and thin, but with restoring my nutrition, my hair will grow back better. Not to mention, I'm in RECOVERY. A few extra pounds than what I'm used to won't kill me; the state I was in 2 years ago will.
So if I had to suggest anything about old photographs, it would be not to look at the physical parts of it. Don't dwell on how you looked ("good" or "bad"). Instead, think about HOW you were during that time. Was it a positive memory? Did you feel good about yourself then? If it was a sick picture, the answer is probably no. Who were you with in the picture? How did you feel during that exact moment in time?
Or you could always burn your old pictures.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Stomach-Bug Love (Graphic)
An eating disorder took another life. I didn't know her personally, but my friend Melissa did. Her name was Katie. Thats all I know about her. And that her stupid, selfish eating disorder took her life. It's just not fair. More people die from eating disorders than any other mental illness.
Please keep her and her family in your prayers.
On a much lighter note, today and yesterday has been really mentally and physically draining for me. I woke up yesterday and went to my history class, then directly to my science class. With my new schedule, I'm done with both of my classes by 12:50pm every Tuesday and Thursday. Anyway, after classes, I developed a killer headache so I decided to lay down. I didn't freakin wake up until like 7pm, where I had a little something to eat. I still had that headache so I went back to bed (yes it was an extremely unproductive day). Then around 12am I got up with a major stomach ache and started throwing up! Ughhh, great. I tried going back to bed but my headache, tummy ache, and extreme night sweats were making it impossible to sleep. Then, until morning, I was waking up about every 2 hours and throwing up. The throwing up bug.....NICE!
There is nothing fun about the throwing up bug...NOTHING! Then why on Earth does the eating disorder love it so much? I tell you why: it was a great excuse to restrict today. Who can argue with that? No ones going to tell you to eat when the past day you were puking everything you ate. The hardest part about the throwing up bug is getting out of the "throwing up bug rut". You know what I mean: When your stomach shrinks up because you have no appetite at all, but then everyone expects you to get right back on your regular meal plan, without easing your way into it or anything. When you get used to eating the BRAT diet, its hard to resort back to regular eating.
Please keep her and her family in your prayers.
On a much lighter note, today and yesterday has been really mentally and physically draining for me. I woke up yesterday and went to my history class, then directly to my science class. With my new schedule, I'm done with both of my classes by 12:50pm every Tuesday and Thursday. Anyway, after classes, I developed a killer headache so I decided to lay down. I didn't freakin wake up until like 7pm, where I had a little something to eat. I still had that headache so I went back to bed (yes it was an extremely unproductive day). Then around 12am I got up with a major stomach ache and started throwing up! Ughhh, great. I tried going back to bed but my headache, tummy ache, and extreme night sweats were making it impossible to sleep. Then, until morning, I was waking up about every 2 hours and throwing up. The throwing up bug.....NICE!
There is nothing fun about the throwing up bug...NOTHING! Then why on Earth does the eating disorder love it so much? I tell you why: it was a great excuse to restrict today. Who can argue with that? No ones going to tell you to eat when the past day you were puking everything you ate. The hardest part about the throwing up bug is getting out of the "throwing up bug rut". You know what I mean: When your stomach shrinks up because you have no appetite at all, but then everyone expects you to get right back on your regular meal plan, without easing your way into it or anything. When you get used to eating the BRAT diet, its hard to resort back to regular eating.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Eating Disorders are Confusing
Do you ever wake up and just feel miserable and extremely depressed for no apparent reason? Well this happened to me yesterday.
When I went to bed the night before, things were fine. And when I say "fine", I mean that they were manageable. I've been really turning to the eating disorder lately. Last week, I worked everyday, all day at the Preschool. I absolutely loved it. We were given one hour for lunch, where I easily could have eaten, but instead I took that hour to nap (hey, 3-year-olds are exhausting!). So work took up pretty much all of my week. The weekend was fine too. I have been spending time with this guy who I met when my cousin was here. He's going to school in Boone, North Carolina, so I'll call him Booner. Anyway, Booner, and a couple friends in Canopy Cove Partial and I went out for New Years which was so much fun. I was having a really good time. The next day we all went out to watch the Giants game.
All of these fun and exciting things have been going on.
So why on Earth did I wake up so freaking depressed yesterday?!
I woke up, had breakfast (ended up purging it for the first time in months). I hoped in the shower. Once I got in the shower, I started thinking. Those really awful thoughts started just rolling in and they would not stop. One thought really stuck out and kept replaying over and over in my mind:
I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE.
Then the tears started. And they did not stop until about 6pm.
I was scheduled to go into work at noon. I didn't know what to do. Was I even capable to be working? I ended up calling in. Which makes me feel horrible. I hate calling in to work. It's like failure at doing your job. Anyway, after I called to work, I called Canopy Cove. I talked to Danielle and she told me to come into Partial where she would be able to squeeze me in a session with Dr. Jeter.
I went into program at around 12:30p. Just in time for lunch. Lucky me.
Just like whenever I'm feeling extremely depressed, eating was the last thing on my mind. And the last thing I wanted to do. But we all know Canopy Cove. They don't let your feelings stop you from eating. They don't play around.
Lunch was miserable. It took me an hour to get through one measly rice bowl type thing. Tons of eating disorder thoughts were running through my head. Ones that haven't been present lately. So that was surprising. Karen was sitting next to me trying to encourage me. She told me to take bigger bites. But I just couldn't. It was weird but I just HATED feeling the food in my mouth. I hated opening my mouth and I hated chewing. And I hated the feeling, texture, temperature and taste of everything being put in my body.
Where the heck did this come from?
Luckily, after lunch, I was distracted with groups. We did a long group on food rituals, which was actually really interesting. I know that back in my sickest days, my food rituals were out of control. But yesterday it was good to "take inventory" of which food rituals I still struggle with and which ones I've developed. Also, the ones I've gotten rid of!!!
Snack came, and that was also pretty eventful. Ashlee had me make some stuff up, since I told her I purged breakfast. That's always a pain. I had only brought food for lunch, so I had to resort to the "Extra" cabinet for snack. I went for the easy stuff: Wheat Thins, Craisins, and nuts. But when sitting down for snack, I had an extra hard time with the nuts. Why? Because they were delicious. My eating disorder hates me for admitting that, but I really enjoyed them and it made it nearly impossible to feed myself something that was tasty.
My eating disorder is confusing me. He likes to pull tricks out of his hat at the strangest times.
Finally, I got to have a session with Dr. Jeter. It had literally been since I was in Residential since I had an individual (close to a month). And, obviously, I desperately needed one. We talked about what has been happening lately in my life to try to figure out why today I was so miserable. What we came up with? My lonliness issue.......still.
I told her that I felt unloveable. She asked why and I told her because I don't have that close, true, best friend, or a boyfriend, or a companion. We talked about my "social history", like my high school and college friends, and how since I was so sick during those times, I never developed "proper social skills". She called it "social nervousness". It's true though. When I was at my deepest points in my eating disorder, I cared very little about relationships with people. I only cared about my relationship with my eating disorder. Dr. Jeter and I always talk about how it's almost like I skipped nearly a decade of my life. From the time I was 14, up until this past year, my life was non-existant, because it was an eating disordered life. And an eating disordered life is not a life, whatsoever.
One point that she made also really made me think:
There's no beating around the bush- God knows what He's doing. So then the question is, why would He put me through so much of this pain and lonliness? There must be an outcome that He has in store for me. And I'm eager to find out what this is. I always like to think of Him brewing me up a perfect mate and best friend. He's creating someone just for me! And much like a good wine, it may take a while to perfect it. Through all of my misery and pain, He's forcing me to love myself first, and I thank Him for that. Without loving myself first, how am I suppsed to ever think about loving someone else?
"We love him, because he loved us first." -John 4:19
When I went to bed the night before, things were fine. And when I say "fine", I mean that they were manageable. I've been really turning to the eating disorder lately. Last week, I worked everyday, all day at the Preschool. I absolutely loved it. We were given one hour for lunch, where I easily could have eaten, but instead I took that hour to nap (hey, 3-year-olds are exhausting!). So work took up pretty much all of my week. The weekend was fine too. I have been spending time with this guy who I met when my cousin was here. He's going to school in Boone, North Carolina, so I'll call him Booner. Anyway, Booner, and a couple friends in Canopy Cove Partial and I went out for New Years which was so much fun. I was having a really good time. The next day we all went out to watch the Giants game.
All of these fun and exciting things have been going on.
So why on Earth did I wake up so freaking depressed yesterday?!
I woke up, had breakfast (ended up purging it for the first time in months). I hoped in the shower. Once I got in the shower, I started thinking. Those really awful thoughts started just rolling in and they would not stop. One thought really stuck out and kept replaying over and over in my mind:
I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE.
Then the tears started. And they did not stop until about 6pm.
I was scheduled to go into work at noon. I didn't know what to do. Was I even capable to be working? I ended up calling in. Which makes me feel horrible. I hate calling in to work. It's like failure at doing your job. Anyway, after I called to work, I called Canopy Cove. I talked to Danielle and she told me to come into Partial where she would be able to squeeze me in a session with Dr. Jeter.
I went into program at around 12:30p. Just in time for lunch. Lucky me.
Just like whenever I'm feeling extremely depressed, eating was the last thing on my mind. And the last thing I wanted to do. But we all know Canopy Cove. They don't let your feelings stop you from eating. They don't play around.
Lunch was miserable. It took me an hour to get through one measly rice bowl type thing. Tons of eating disorder thoughts were running through my head. Ones that haven't been present lately. So that was surprising. Karen was sitting next to me trying to encourage me. She told me to take bigger bites. But I just couldn't. It was weird but I just HATED feeling the food in my mouth. I hated opening my mouth and I hated chewing. And I hated the feeling, texture, temperature and taste of everything being put in my body.
Where the heck did this come from?
Luckily, after lunch, I was distracted with groups. We did a long group on food rituals, which was actually really interesting. I know that back in my sickest days, my food rituals were out of control. But yesterday it was good to "take inventory" of which food rituals I still struggle with and which ones I've developed. Also, the ones I've gotten rid of!!!
Snack came, and that was also pretty eventful. Ashlee had me make some stuff up, since I told her I purged breakfast. That's always a pain. I had only brought food for lunch, so I had to resort to the "Extra" cabinet for snack. I went for the easy stuff: Wheat Thins, Craisins, and nuts. But when sitting down for snack, I had an extra hard time with the nuts. Why? Because they were delicious. My eating disorder hates me for admitting that, but I really enjoyed them and it made it nearly impossible to feed myself something that was tasty.
My eating disorder is confusing me. He likes to pull tricks out of his hat at the strangest times.
Finally, I got to have a session with Dr. Jeter. It had literally been since I was in Residential since I had an individual (close to a month). And, obviously, I desperately needed one. We talked about what has been happening lately in my life to try to figure out why today I was so miserable. What we came up with? My lonliness issue.......still.
I told her that I felt unloveable. She asked why and I told her because I don't have that close, true, best friend, or a boyfriend, or a companion. We talked about my "social history", like my high school and college friends, and how since I was so sick during those times, I never developed "proper social skills". She called it "social nervousness". It's true though. When I was at my deepest points in my eating disorder, I cared very little about relationships with people. I only cared about my relationship with my eating disorder. Dr. Jeter and I always talk about how it's almost like I skipped nearly a decade of my life. From the time I was 14, up until this past year, my life was non-existant, because it was an eating disordered life. And an eating disordered life is not a life, whatsoever.
One point that she made also really made me think:
There's no beating around the bush- God knows what He's doing. So then the question is, why would He put me through so much of this pain and lonliness? There must be an outcome that He has in store for me. And I'm eager to find out what this is. I always like to think of Him brewing me up a perfect mate and best friend. He's creating someone just for me! And much like a good wine, it may take a while to perfect it. Through all of my misery and pain, He's forcing me to love myself first, and I thank Him for that. Without loving myself first, how am I suppsed to ever think about loving someone else?
"We love him, because he loved us first." -John 4:19
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