I wouldn't say this past week has been bad. But I wouldn't say it's been good either. I mean, nothing terrible has happened. I had a date Saturday night. (It wasn't with the Minister). It was a new guy. We went out for sushi (my default date setting) and then had drinks after.
Can I just ask a question?
Why are men so freaking complicated?!
He was overall a jerk. But he was super attractive so I guess I played shallow for the night and hung out with him. Whatever, I don't care anymore. I'm starting not to care about anything anymore. Back to the point of not caring what I do to my body or what happens to it. Anyway, it was fun in a "this-is-the-only-time-we're-doing-this" kind of way. He even flat out told me, "I'm not going to be your boyfriend". Jerk. But I'm used to that by now. I guess I just have really low expectations of guys, and myself. My question above comes from a really messed up, lame point of view. He had too much to drink (of course), and he told me, "Someday you'll make a guy really happy. If my ex hadn't [explicit]ed me over last year, I would totally be falling in love with you right now."
Seriously? Is all I have to say and think.
I won't get into the rest of the important details because I'm sure you can assume what happened.
In other news, my feelings of despair and overall loneliness are overwhelming. I feel like I don't have anything anymore. Or anybody.
Sure, my church friends are great! And super nice and sweet and welcoming, but honestly, I feel like I'm too messed up and flawed to spend time with them. Like, if they really knew what I do, they wouldn't accept me.
Even my dad the other day was like, "Don't you have any girl friends?"
Gee-thanks Dad. Tell me, father, where in the world am I supposed to go make new friends? Everyone either already is settled into their friend group, or something. I try, trust me, I try to reach out to people as much as I can but something just keeps me from a true friendship. And that makes me sad.
Over the weekend, I had a lot of thoughts of cutting and a few thoughts of purging. I haven't cut since December and I haven't purged since February 5th. So, in that aspect, I'm doing pretty well. But the only thing keeping me from cutting was not wanting to go into work and have a bunch of 5 year olds ask "What happened to your arm, Miss. Kelly?"
I had a therapy session yesterday and after an hour of emotion, we decided I needed some accountability. So, I made a contract for this week only (until my next session) that I would not cut or purge, and if I got urges to do so, I would call her.
First of all, big congrats on the no cutting since december and no purging since february...that's a huge deal!!! Reward yourself. :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can completely, 100% to the making friends thing. Seems like everyone already has their own little group, and you're just to "messed up" to be so exceptional that they'll let you in. That's how I feel. So, not much advice to offer...except for that MANY people (myself included, obviously) feel the same way. So, in your church group or any social setting, there's a very good chance that someone there is feeling the way you do. You're not the odd-man-out, as much as it may feel that way.
And, for what it's worth, I'd totally be your friend. :) It seems like you are a wonderful friend, just give people a chance to see that.