Sex, Emotions & the Minister

What's up with all of this reckless behavior?


I feel horrible. I'm doing all of this negative stuff to myself and to my body and its beginning to take its toll on my heart. 


First, it was cutting last week. And that affected me because it had been months and months since the last time I did that. My "cutless" streak died. Then, its reckless behavior with the male species. That never is good for a lady's heart. Karen once told me something that made a lot of sense to me. She said, "Kelly, God created sex. It truly is a beautiful thing when it's with the right person at the right time. But, He meant it to be between 2 soul mates because He knew that a woman's heart would be hurt if she had sex with someone who wasn't her soul mate. He did this to protect our hearts as women." I liked that. However, in the heat of the moment, who wants to explain that to a fella? He would probably just laugh and do his thing anyway. (Which is terrible, by the way). Lastly, the purging has resurfaced. I say this with the hardest time because I was so proud of myself for not doing it for months. Then one day, I couldn't help it. Lonliness, depression, sadness, everything just was overwhelming me. I couldn't function in my day without releasing all of this pressure building in my head. And since cutting led me to the Psych Ward, purging was my only option I felt like. 


Eating normally seems like such an impossible task, although I know its not. I did it last year. I was telling my Mom the other day that the happiest I have been in the 10 years in my eating disorder was the fall of 2010. I was eating my meal plan, had closeness with friends, was taking my medicine as prescribed, and fellas were OUT of the picture. Life was so easy then, at least it felt like. Was it all superficial? Was it so easy because I was in the comfortable arms of Canopy Cove? I don't know. But I'm not there anymore, so I need to adjust to where I am currently. 


In other news, I had a really interesting conversation with the Minister. Turns out he has bi-polar disorder! I guess I can kind of see it now because he always has such a hard time making up his mind and stuff. I haven't dealt with people with bi-polar in years but his mood swings aren't very bad at all. He said it was mild. I was just really happy that he opened up to me like that. I told him about my trip to the ER last week. I was hesitant, but he was very understanding. Plus, its his job to listen to people's troubles and help them through it. That's when he told me about his past, and the bi-polar. I still really like him and enjoy his company and conversation. We'll see what unfolds there...