I saw a photograph...

Can we take a second and talk about pictures?

Pictures can be great. We use them to capture memories, and use them to look back and reflect on times that have passed. People can make a living off of photographing good times, and bad ones too. We can look at pictures from decades ago, and from seconds ago as well.

So then why and how can pictures be so destructive?

Quick story: Yesterday I was briefly looking through an old photo album from seven years ago that I have saved online. SEVEN years ago, only a few years after the onset of my eating disorder. I instantly became enraged at my current self, asking myself How did I let myself transform into this current state of a sloppy pig?!  I was FLAT in places that are now CURVY. I had BONES pertruding where now I have CUSHIONING. I had THICK HAIR where now, after years of malnutrition, I have BRITTLE and THIN HAIR. I was so mad at myself yesterday.

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. My current self often gets jealous of my former self. Almost like, I know I can do that, I did it before. Somewhere in me I have the ability to be sick like that again. 

I avoided pictures at all costs in the time before my admission to Canopy Cove, but I couldn't escape all of them. Of course, their on Facebook (like everything else). And of course, I got all sorts of comments from all kinds of "friends". I knew they meant the best for me, but I honestly didn't want to hear it. I guess thats a different story though. Anyway, I still have those pictures on my Facebook. I could easily "untag" myself, or better yet, completely delete them. But something in me is stopping me. I need to keep them up. It's almost like I need to prove to myself and everyone else that I was sick and that I struggled, and that I possess the ability to "be the best anorexic around". That probably sounds horrible, but if you think about it, that was my "best" quality. And by "best", I mean my most used, abused and my main identity. If you had a best quality, wouldn't you want people to remember it?

I take a look at those sick pictures every once in a while. It's not a good idea. Every time I look at them, that jealous, enraged, and sad feeling comes over me. But, like I said, I just can't delete them.

If you're wondering what happened last night as a result of looking at my pictures from seven years ago, you'll be pleasantly suprised. I actually did some healthy reasoning in my head. Seven years ago? I was 16 years old. Of course I was flat and boney. I was just a teenager. Plus, I was in the midst of an eating disorder. Now? I'm 23 years old. I am a woman! With hopes of bearing babies. A woman needs CURVES, breasts, hips and a little jiggle to house a baby for 9 months. And, yes, my hair is brittle and thin, but with restoring my nutrition, my hair will grow back better. Not to mention, I'm in RECOVERY. A few extra pounds than what I'm used to won't kill me; the state I was in 2 years ago will.

So if I had to suggest anything about old photographs, it would be not to look at the physical parts of it. Don't dwell on how you looked ("good" or "bad"). Instead, think about HOW you were during that time. Was it a positive memory? Did you feel good about yourself then? If it was a sick picture, the answer is probably no. Who were you with in the picture? How did you feel during that exact moment in time?

Or you could always burn your old pictures.