Great Expectations

My main reason for this post is to try to organize my thoughts on my current situation without using other self-destructive behaviors.


Cooper and I spent the weekend together. It went great. We always have such a good time. Friday night he came to my apartment and we just snuggled and went to bed. Then Saturday, we got up and went to my favorite place in Tallahassee (Lake Ella). I then had a huge surprise for him. I planned to cook him his favorite meal, macaroni & cheese (which is a giant fear food- carbohydrates AND fats!). I was going to make it and eat it...with him...like a normal person. 


Before the meal, I feel like I may have restricted. I had a smoothie and a few coffees for the entire day up until 6ish. Then came the starchy, cheesy goodness. I was so nervous and I even admitted this to him before taking my first bite. He made it easy though. The whole time he was telling me how perfect everything was and how he wished he could get meals like this everyday. That made me feel really great, that he genuinely appreciated what I was doing for him. 


After dinner, I had planned to take him to salsa dancing lessons! But we ended up getting there late, so we just got some drinks and left. 


If you can't tell, let me tell you something: I really like this guy. I know I've said this before, but he's clearly different from every other fella I've dated. 


And since I can obviously tell that I'm ready to perhaps commit to him, and be exclusive to him, I decided to have the talk with him today. 


I brought it up subtly, casually texting "Have you changed your Facebook status yet?".


He responded, "No. Why?"


Then he got busy with work so we didn't talk again until about an hour ago when he called me on the phone. 


My point of view is simple. I just wanted to know whether or not we were exclusive or not, and if we were "boyfriend/ girlfriend". And, of course, if it was Facebook official.


Well, I should've known. Guys always make things more complicated than they should be.


He went into this long speech about how labels have expectations and he wants to continue just doing what we've been doing. Then I told him how its a completely fair question to ask if we are exclusive or not. 


I'm just so confused right now. I never know how to think or feel when something like this happens. It feels like complete rejection. Even though he didn't say anything about leaving me. I have thought for months that I'm finally ready to be in a relationship. But am I? How will I ever know? If I'm constantly doubting myself and my partner, will I ever succeed with a man?


Just so many unanswered questions. And I have to admit, I had thoughts of cutting. Serious thoughts. But then I thought to myself He's going to see me in 2 weeks and what if he sees my scars? He'll never want me then. Sure, it's not the best reason because it was for someone else. But it's a reason. And ANY reason to not cut is a good enough reason.