Do you ever wake up and just feel miserable and extremely depressed for no apparent reason? Well this happened to me yesterday.
When I went to bed the night before, things were fine. And when I say "fine", I mean that they were manageable. I've been really turning to the eating disorder lately. Last week, I worked everyday, all day at the Preschool. I absolutely loved it. We were given one hour for lunch, where I easily could have eaten, but instead I took that hour to nap (hey, 3-year-olds are exhausting!). So work took up pretty much all of my week. The weekend was fine too. I have been spending time with this guy who I met when my cousin was here. He's going to school in Boone, North Carolina, so I'll call him Booner. Anyway, Booner, and a couple friends in Canopy Cove Partial and I went out for New Years which was so much fun. I was having a really good time. The next day we all went out to watch the Giants game.
All of these fun and exciting things have been going on.
So why on Earth did I wake up so freaking depressed yesterday?!
I woke up, had breakfast (ended up purging it for the first time in months). I hoped in the shower. Once I got in the shower, I started thinking. Those really awful thoughts started just rolling in and they would not stop. One thought really stuck out and kept replaying over and over in my mind:
I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE.
Then the tears started. And they did not stop until about 6pm.
I was scheduled to go into work at noon. I didn't know what to do. Was I even capable to be working? I ended up calling in. Which makes me feel horrible. I hate calling in to work. It's like failure at doing your job. Anyway, after I called to work, I called Canopy Cove. I talked to Danielle and she told me to come into Partial where she would be able to squeeze me in a session with Dr. Jeter.
I went into program at around 12:30p. Just in time for lunch. Lucky me.
Just like whenever I'm feeling extremely depressed, eating was the last thing on my mind. And the last thing I wanted to do. But we all know Canopy Cove. They don't let your feelings stop you from eating. They don't play around.
Lunch was miserable. It took me an hour to get through one measly rice bowl type thing. Tons of eating disorder thoughts were running through my head. Ones that haven't been present lately. So that was surprising. Karen was sitting next to me trying to encourage me. She told me to take bigger bites. But I just couldn't. It was weird but I just HATED feeling the food in my mouth. I hated opening my mouth and I hated chewing. And I hated the feeling, texture, temperature and taste of everything being put in my body.
Where the heck did this come from?
Luckily, after lunch, I was distracted with groups. We did a long group on food rituals, which was actually really interesting. I know that back in my sickest days, my food rituals were out of control. But yesterday it was good to "take inventory" of which food rituals I still struggle with and which ones I've developed. Also, the ones I've gotten rid of!!!
Snack came, and that was also pretty eventful. Ashlee had me make some stuff up, since I told her I purged breakfast. That's always a pain. I had only brought food for lunch, so I had to resort to the "Extra" cabinet for snack. I went for the easy stuff: Wheat Thins, Craisins, and nuts. But when sitting down for snack, I had an extra hard time with the nuts. Why? Because they were delicious. My eating disorder hates me for admitting that, but I really enjoyed them and it made it nearly impossible to feed myself something that was tasty.
My eating disorder is confusing me. He likes to pull tricks out of his hat at the strangest times.
Finally, I got to have a session with Dr. Jeter. It had literally been since I was in Residential since I had an individual (close to a month). And, obviously, I desperately needed one. We talked about what has been happening lately in my life to try to figure out why today I was so miserable. What we came up with? My lonliness issue.......still.
I told her that I felt unloveable. She asked why and I told her because I don't have that close, true, best friend, or a boyfriend, or a companion. We talked about my "social history", like my high school and college friends, and how since I was so sick during those times, I never developed "proper social skills". She called it "social nervousness". It's true though. When I was at my deepest points in my eating disorder, I cared very little about relationships with people. I only cared about my relationship with my eating disorder. Dr. Jeter and I always talk about how it's almost like I skipped nearly a decade of my life. From the time I was 14, up until this past year, my life was non-existant, because it was an eating disordered life. And an eating disordered life is not a life, whatsoever.
One point that she made also really made me think:
There's no beating around the bush- God knows what He's doing. So then the question is, why would He put me through so much of this pain and lonliness? There must be an outcome that He has in store for me. And I'm eager to find out what this is. I always like to think of Him brewing me up a perfect mate and best friend. He's creating someone just for me! And much like a good wine, it may take a while to perfect it. Through all of my misery and pain, He's forcing me to love myself first, and I thank Him for that. Without loving myself first, how am I suppsed to ever think about loving someone else?
"We love him, because he loved us first." -John 4:19
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