"I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us"

I'm happy to report that purging behaviors have been absent from my life for the past few weeks! Hooray! Of course its difficult, but everyday is a new day. And everyday without a behavior is a day closer to pure happiness.


I had a very strong urge to cut last week. I ended up going 3 days without my Abilify because I didn't get it filled in time and I couldn't pick it up because of work. I could really tell a difference when I went without it. If I have any advice for all of you- its to stay on your medication as prescribed! It makes such a big difference. Anyway, so I'll blame it on my inconsistent self-medication but my urges were very overwhelming. The only thing that got me through NOT doing it was the fact that I was going to see Cooper on the weekend, and I knew he'd be mad if he saw cuts. 


So I didn't end up seeing Cooper. We had such an exciting weekend planned! Jimmy Buffett concert, Six Flags, and a Yankee vs. Braves game. But none of that happened because he was having some family issues. We basically went the entire weekend with only exchanging a few texts and pretty much no phone calls. This made me sad. Why is he being like this? What did I do?! 


Well Sunday night I finally got a phone call. He had been really upset and I asked him if that's why he's been so distant lately. He told me it was. I guess that's normal for men to do- distance themselves when they're upset or depressed. Guys have never been known for talking about their emotions. He basically told me that he needed to get his life in order before he jumped into something serious with me. He said that he couldn't commit because he had issues that he wanted to situate first. 


Oh. My. Goodness.


Of course in my dysfunctional brain, this registered as WHAT is wrong with me?!!! I even asked him. I said, through salty, out of control tears,  "You always tell me how amazing I am and how perfect I am, then why don't you want me?" He calmly told me that it honestly had nothing to do with who I am, it was solely because he wanted to make himself a better person, and organize the problems in his life first. 


"But we can still be friends," he says.


Those words pierce me worse than getting your nipples pierced. "I have enough friends," I said, "I need to at least know that there is still hope that someday we can be together." He told me there's "always hope". Pssh. What a cliche answer. But I'll take it. 


Then this morning I got a phone call from him. Of course I was excited. I didn't show my excitement though. I waited like 5 rings before answering. Ha- take that, Cooper. 


I think I said this when I was with Malcom, but I can't be with someone else when my heart is invested in Cooper. So it's been hard these past few days. I have once again resorted to feeling desperately lonely. And loneliness is by far the worst feeling in the world. They even consider one of the cruelest forms of punishment solitary confinement. But that's another story.