Unsuccessful Anorexic?

I recieved the call! Insurance approved of more coverage of IOP! I was so happy to get that phone call, you have no idea. Not that I've been doing horribly, but I do need some support to get back on track. Not to mention there's lots I need to fill Dr. Jeter in on. Danielle asked who I wanted to see on Monday and I told her Dr. Jeter and I also requested a session with Ashlee. She also told me that CARF (don't ask what that stands for) is coming on Monday. They are the company that keeps Canopy Cove accredited or something. She asked me if I wouldn't mind getting interviewed by them! I told her I'd be happy to. I have lots of good things to say about Canopy Cove!

Work and school kept me busy this week. I also spent some time with Malcom. I wish I had good Malcom news, but I don't. It's pretty stable. Of course we've been texting back and forth. He told me the other night I could have stayed the night if I wanted to. Ah, I can't even put into words how much I adore him. He's just a perfect man. I know that is totally a cognitive distortion, but it's so real right now. I haven't been able to find any flaw in him, like Dr. Brogdon suggested me to do. And trust me, I've tried really hard. Why can't we just be together?! It's really putting a damper on my other dating life because I can't fully enjoy my time with other dates because so much of me wants Malcom, and thinks about him.

In other dating news, there's that one pushy guy. Yeah, I'll refer to him as "Pushy". Anyway, he invited me over last night. I didn't really want to go, but little un-assertive me said "I'll be over in a few". I guess it wasn't a bad idea that I went over. He, of course, was super pushy and wanted to be really physical. But I didn't allow anything. Anything! Go me! He was pissed. And basically told me that he was planning on not texting or calling me for at least a week. How can guys...well, this guy...expect everytime we hang out that he's going to get something. I have the right not to be in the mood, or to be tired. Or to just not want to be physical! Well, if he doesn't call me, it's no skin off my back! More time for Malcom...

On one hand I love weekends. I'm able to sleep in and just relax. But on the other hand, I hate them. It really gives the eating disorder alot of ammo for self distructing thoughts. My eating patterns have been all over the place, as usual. Fortunately, I have not used certain behaviors in exactly a week! But I'm really stuck in a pattern of food monotony. Same thing for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack. The only breads I'm getting are crackers and pretzels at dinner and snack. I'm anxious to see if I'll have keytones on Monday.

(This probably sounds so typical) But I wish I could lose a few pounds. Not to the point I was at in July of 2010, but just maybe 10 pounds gone. I could manage at that, right? And if I stay there, and can still eat healthy, then whats the harm? I know for a fact I'm good at losing weight. I mean, I dropped so easily a few years ago. Then why is it so damn hard now?! I feel like an unsuccessful anorexic. I can't lose 10 freaking pounds. Is it because I'm not trying hard enough? Is it because part of me still wants recovery more than anything? I don't know. All I know is that I would feel more comfortable in my skin if I was smaller, thinner, more fragile. That's what I'm used to. I'm not used to having curves. A butt and boobs? Where did these come from? Still, after almost 2 years, I look in the mirror and question who is looking back at me. Where did she come from? Has she been hiding for the past 8 years? Is this who I'm supposed to be? I don't know that either. But I guess if I was in "anorexic mode" I wouldn't have had the guts to stick up to Pushy. I would be way too passive. I think it's a trade off. Then I guess the question is: what am I willing to give up in "recovered life" in order to try to live an "anorexic life"? And can I do both?

I think the answer is no.