Is it Friday yet? Seriously.
I want this wretched week to just end. Nothing good has come from this week. It has been a complete waste.
Yesterday I had classes and work. Well, one class. I'm going to TCC part-time (taking 2 classes) so I can continue with treatment at Canopy Cove and also so I can work. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class, then work then class again. But I'm ashamed to say I skipped my morning class yesterday. I told my teacher it was because of "current medical issues". Is complete depression and lack of motivation enough of a "medical issue"? Whatever.
I apologize for my negativity. At least the weather here in Florida has been lovely. Not too hot at all. But hot enough where short sleeves and tank tops are still expected. (This makes for akward stares at my wrists recently). The excuse I use? Umm, I was scratched by a cat.
If you're nosey like I am, you're probably wondering what the status of Malcom is. I wish I even knew! I deleted his number from my phone after Sunday. But he actually made several attempts to text and even call me! Sure, I later found out he was drunk, but it still made me feel....good. I guess as good as one could feel after having a crappy day. Yesterday he texted me late at night just to see what was up, and then continued to talk about really casual things. I still haven't re-saved his number in my phone because I don't want to be tempted to text him. But..ughhh.....too late today. I sent an innocent "FIFA tonight?" (If you don't know what FIFA is, I suggest you Google it). I think I just want to text him, or hang out with him, or call him just to know he's thinking about me. Even if it's for the split second he's reading MY text. Or for the few seconds he's scrolling through his phone to find MY name. I want him to think of me so I can have some, any connection with another human being. I just want some damn intimacy with someone. And, no, intimacy doesn't mean sex. It means, to me, closeness. I want ultimately to be close to someone and for someone to love me unconditionally, no matter what I eat or what I do to my body or what I say or how I mess up, and despite my past.
On another note, there was a mini-war in my head today about lunch.
Me: Should I eat lunch today or not? Well, I have work, and I work with children so I probably should eat lunch.
Eating Disorder: Ohh, but all you do lately at work is pick them up from school so you don't need that energy. Plus, your breakfast was rather big and filling. Not to mention you are going over to RS's apartment for her birthday tonight where they are making PIZZAS! And you know what pizzas mean: FAT!!!
Me: I should wake Carly up and ask her to eat with me for extra support.
Eating Disorder: Don't do that! She needs her rest! If you HAVE to, you can always make it up later. Just fill up on coffee before work so you don't feel ill.
Me: Okay.
Let's just say that the eating disorder won.
Ahh, the "I was scratched by a cat". We must have an invisible cat in our apartment, because that's always been my excuse too.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know you're not alone in any of this, and if you ever need ANYTHING I'm literally down the hall from you. Plus some stairs. But you get what I mean.
I'm praying for you, that God will reveal to you the guy he has in mind for you specifically. Maybe its Malcom, though I wouldn't get my hopes up about that because of recent events, but who knows. God only knows. And until you find that guy, God is your love. :)