Am I a disappointment? I'll blame it on the pain.

I had program at Canopy Cove yesterday. It was actually a pretty good program day. Even though I'm in IOP (which typically takes place at the Partial building in Killearn), we have been going out to Residential for the day. It's fine. Theres more breathing room and scenery. I'm not a big horse person, but pet therapy is always beneficial.

Anyway, I went straight from my first day of observing at my new job to Canopy Cove. Observing at the preschool was great. I got to work with the 3 year olds so it was tons of fun. They call me Miss. Kelly (it's adorable). When I got to Res, I was pretty much rushed to make my lunch. I quickly boiled water for my cous cous and without thinking I brought it to the table. I thought nothing of it until about halfway through lunch when I realized I had an extra bread! Mental freak out! My "required" amount of breads at lunch is 2, and NOW I HAVE 3!! I tried to rationalize it in my head by telling myself that I didn't have any breads with breakfast. That got me through my mental break down. Plus, I didn't want to make a scene at the lunch table. So I waited until processing to mention it. After lunch, I used some coping skills of collaging. I made a placemat of my main goals in life.

We had groups with Karen and Catherine. With Karen, I made a poster board of all my victories that I have accomplished since July of 2010, when I was admitted to Canopy Cove. I added everything from wearing a push-up bra for the first time, to eating pizza, to going on dates, etc... It really made me open my eyes to everything I've done throughout my recovery. I recommend everyone do that at some point. Then with Catherine, we did a project of what "cranks our eating disorders".

I then had a session with Dr. Jeter that went really well. After my weekend with E, it was extremely beneficial to talk to her. Ya know, it's really convenient that she is a marriage and relationship professor. She really knows her stuff. So we talked about stuff like E and my physical relationship. I also had a lot to say about my lacking confidence and how I think it currently and in the past affects my relationships. I totally feel so self-consious when I'm in any kind of romantic relationship. It's been that way since day one of my eating disorder. I mean, I got sick a month into my relationship with my first boyfriend ever. That ended well. NOT. Ever since then, I haven't had a healthy relationship. I want one so badly. I WANT desperately to be able to have that confidence. We all know confidence is sexy, right? I guess I just really worry that I will take it to the extreme opposite and just be a conceided, cocky mess. I know that is unattractive. I've seen it plenty of times in high school. I know I mentioned this before, but I'm constantly questioning myself and E whether he likes me still or not. I could literally do nothing, but I become paranoid that I did something that will mess everything up. How do I get over this? It's so inconvenient and I know if I continue to act this crazy, he will end things sooner than later.

Take last night for instance: We were Skyping as usual and I mentioned something to him about how I get so nervous and self-consious that he won't like me as much as I like him. I don't even remember everything that I said to him, all I know is that I kept rambling on and on about how nervous I was. WHO DOES THAT?! I guess when I get nervous I just ramble. Anyway, we got off Skype and then I pretty much panicked this morning because usually every morning he sends me a quick, sweet text saying "Good Morning" or something. Well, this morning he didn't. My fault probably. I tried my hardest to rationalize it. Maybe he is busy in the office. I knew he had lots of work to do today. But I couldn't help but still be worried. My mind eased a bit when he called me as soon as he got on his lunch break. I know I shouldn't have, but I apologized profusely about my emotional crazyness from the night before. He told me I didn't need to apologize but I felt I had to. I blamed it on my period.

I asked Dr. J how I could start to gain some confidence when it comes to myself and relationships. She recommended that I start to explore my strengths. I guess first I need to figure out what my strengths are. I suppose if I recognize and aknowledge my strength and abilities, then other people might notice them and like them too. She made a good point: would someone be more attracted to a weak, needy Kelly? Or a Kelly being the best Kelly she can be?

Only time will tell

Well Thanksgiving wasn't bad at all. E came Wednesday night and we just talked for hours and hours. It was great. Then on Thursday we had a really lazy day. Went to Starbucks, played some frisbee, watched football and then dinner. It was the first time eating in front of him which is always really scary. The night before he had gone into my room and saw all of my affirmations all over my mirrors and walls and then he saw my sign that reads "My worst day in recovery is better than my best day in relapse" and he asked about it. I knew I couldn't keep the eating disorder a secret any longer from him. And I shouldn't. A friend recently told me that my past isn't anything I should be ashamed about, and shes right. The eating disorder made me who I am today, and for the most part, I'm pretty proud of who I am today. So, I told him about it. He took it pretty well but didn't say much. Since then, he asks questions about it once in a while. He even told me that he would go into family therapy education because he wants to learn as much about me as possible and wants to help me out in any way he can.

Him and I went out last night. We were both getting ready and I was putting perfume on my wrists and he grabbed my wrist and looked at it and pointed and asked "whats this?" (referring to the scars on my wrist). I kind of shrugged and he goes "I know what this is. Why did you do this?" I told him that it was from several years ago and that I don't do it anymore. I told him I did it because I was going through a hard time and that it was easier to deal with physical pain than the emotional pain I was going through. He said that "all of his friends will know what it is when they look at it". What am I supposed to say to that? Sorry? It's my past. I haven't done it in months and if I lose a realtionship over cutting, then it's definitely not worth it. He told me to never do it again. I agreed. And I don't plan on it. I didn't admit to him that I still have the urges to cut every once in a while. I'm afraid he would think I'm crazy!

I already feel like nothing I do is worth him liking me as much as he says he does. I wish I could just have the confidence that he truly likes me. I'm constantly questioning myself and him if he still likes me. I asked him that after I told him about the eating disorder and then again after he found out about the cutting. He said yes both times. I guess with my past history of guys, I haven't had the best luck with true loving feelings being received by me. (Because there were none there). Finally, I think, I caught a genuine person, a mature person and a potential match for me.

On a lighter note, we had "the talk". You know, the realtionship status talk. He said that he didn't want to be with anyone else. We are official now! It happened really quick but I'm pretty sure it's a good thing. It has literally been over 4 years since I've had a boyfriend. I hope I am good girlfriend material. I worry about that. I want to be the perfect partner. Which brings up the jealousy thing. I get jealous really easily. I trust that he wouldn't cheat on me, but considering me past relationships, I can't help but worry about it still.

So this whole relationship will be a good thing. I'm pretty sure. I told my parents that I have to do this. I have to take risks in life and be vulnerable at times. Or else I will never grow up. I will never meet anyone, and certainly if I don't test out the waters of dating and relationships, I will never get married and have a family.

It's the most wonderful time of the year?

If I was a betting woman (which I'm not), but if I was, I would bet that Thanksgiving is an eating disordered person's least favorite holiday. I sure know it's mine.

Ever since the eating disorder started, holidays have been a nightmare. Damn those pilgrims for thinking "Lets have a whole day where we do nothing but stuff our faces full of calorie-laden food!" Because thats what it is. Sure, you get to see family (if you want to), but even seeing family and loved ones can be hard when you're in the midst of an eating disorder.

So for just about the past decade, I have hated the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And well, Valentines Day too, but I'll save that for another post. Winters have always been the hardest. It's always the time when I have had to go inpatient or into treatment. One of my nephews was born on December 22, 2007, and I couldn't even be there for his birth because I was too busy being tube-fed at Albany Medical Center. I got out in time for Christmas, but that's not to say my Christmas was still being ran by the eating disorder. I have such great guilt towards myself for ruining holidays for my family. There were holidays that my family knew I was going to purge after the meal. I love my family so much that I would never ever want to put them through the hell I have put them through again. There were also holidays I spent locked up in my room eating alone, having my mother eat by herself in the other room. Ugh. It makes me hate myself for putting them through that.

Last year was the first Thanksgiving I truly was happy at and enjoyed. I was down here in Tallahassee, still staying at the Canopy Cove apartments. My father came down for the week to spend Thanksgiving with me and I had Carly with me too. Her and I cooked and followed our meal plans exactly. We took pictures, had a great time, and of course, my father watched football! I'm praying for another holiday season like last year. One where I am actually enjoying myself. Where I can focus on the meaning of Christmas and what I'm thankful for; not just food and weight.

So E is coming from Georgia tonight and staying for 4 days. I'm so excited. He's very special to me. We haven't established a "title" among us. But that will probably happen this weekend. I'm falling FAST for him. Which could be a bad thing, but I guess I'll have to find out and see. I, like in every relationship, just don't want to get hurt. I was hurt too much with the Malcom relationship. I can't handle anymore. So perhaps I'm being vulnerable with E by attatching to him so quickly. I don't know. Anyway, it will just be him and I for Thanksgiving. I still haven't figured out the turkey situation because I'm vegetarian but I don't want to deny him that American tradition. Maybe I'll find a baby turkey to cook.

I'm thankful for so many things this year. I'm thankful for my wonderful family and friends. I'm thankful that I have a job, that I have a car that works. I'm thankful I have my health BACK! I'm thankful that I'm alive. What are you thankful for?

"Of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares to you"

Malcom who? Just kidding, kind of. It had been several days since we have talked (and by talked I mean texted). But theres hope in store, because there's a new gentleman in my life.

And you may think I skip around from guy to guy, but really, my heart has been pretty set on Malcom for like the past 6 months. So this is a HUGE step that I'm branching out. I can't say that my heart is completely separated from Malcom, but the newbie guy is a wonderful distraction.

I'll call him "E", again for confidentiality purposes. He's amazing. And great. I told this to my parents and they go "Well, you say that about every body." Maybe I do, but E is different. He LIKES ME TOO! He's extremely respectful, he calls me gorgeous, he's funny and we can talk for hours upon hours without being bored or anything. And the entire time we both have these crazy smiles on our faces. During the day I think about him and he told me he thinks about me all day too. Isn't that cute? Did I mention he's in the Army?! I have a weakness for boys in uniform. Discipline is sexy!

I'm super excited because since he's not going anywhere for Thanksgiving, I invited him to have Thanksgiving with Carly and I! So he's coming Wednesday and staying until Sunday. Spending time with someone I know for a fact likes me in return will be something new. I haven't had a guy be TRULY interested in me in 4 years. So I'd say it's about time. He doesn't know about the eating disorder and I definitely don't plan on telling him until (and if we do) become serious. He told me he's not judgmental, and I really believe him. I just don't want him to associate me with an eating disorder. Especially not during Thanksgiving (an anorexic's least favorite day of the year). So, I will let you all know how that goes.

And now for eating disorder stuff...
I'm still going to IOP at Canopy Cove once a week. It might not seem like alot, but it truly is helpful. Even having that one meal and snack with the group is beneficial. It helps me get back on track for the rest of the week.
Things on my own have been alright. I haven't been able to stick to the meal plan that Ashlee and I came up with, but I KNOW for a fact that I'm not losing any weight. I can feel it. If anything, I feel like I've been gaining. But in my session with Karen on Monday she told me there hadn't been any change. Surely, I trust Canopy Cove but I just feel like I'm gaining anyway. I still have those strong, and I mean strong, urges to lose weight. Not a significant amount, just like I said before, maybe 10 pounds. I don't think those feelings will ever go away.

Some other good news is that I got a new job! Right now it's just substituting at a preschool called Scottsdale Academy. But perhaps someday I'll have a more permanent position there. I'm pretty excited about it. If you know me, you know that I LOVE babies and little tykes. And there they have infants as little as 6 weeks to toddlers as old as 5. And in my other job, I got a little promotion. My boss wants me to be her executive assistant the days that I am available. She even offered me a raise along with that. When the Lord provides, He really provides!

So as I venture forward into this weekend, I'm hoping things remain stable for me, and get better for those around me.

A Weekend of Friends, Fun & Food (Of Course)

You're probably used to reading about not-so-good times in my life, but this blog is different.

Last night Emily came to Tallahassee! How exciting is that? It has been months since I've seen her, so it was a great suprise to hear she was coming to town. Anyway, she got here late last night and it was an epic reunion. We ran into each others arms, just like a movie. Then Emily, Carly and I frolicked around in a united circle of love.

We all decided to go to this cafe/bar place. It was very fun. We all talked and hugged and smiled and laughed. I can't get over how happy I am she's here. I'm so grateful that my 2 best friends (Carly & Emily) are in my life. I know they are always there for me. And even though it had been months since I've seen her, reuniting with her made it seem like we hadn't missed a beat.

Toward the end of the night, a little blurp in my life happened. I texted Malcom. I tell you, it's like an addiction. HE'S like an addiction. I really wonder why I adore him so much sometimes. I think because a woman's heart is designed differently than a mans. To a woman (and therefore, to me), once Malcom and I became close physically, my heart attatched like glue to him. That's what physical closeness does to a woman. But to a man (and therefore to Malcom), physical closeness means nothing! Its just physical. Not emotional, like to a woman.

In my text I asked him what he was doing, and he responded "At the bar with Ashley. What are you doing?" Well, Ashley is his "study partner", but I doubt he was studying at the bar. Lame. Frustrating. Annoying. Pissed. Maybe she is just a friend. But maybe she's more. Maybe she is his type, like I am not. I don't know. All I can come up with is that why would he be "cuddly" with me, if he's "with another girl".

I didn't let it bother me though. I ate my snack at like 3am (after we got home). I refuse to let the eating disorder ruin my weekend with Carly and Emily.  

Unsuccessful Anorexic?

I recieved the call! Insurance approved of more coverage of IOP! I was so happy to get that phone call, you have no idea. Not that I've been doing horribly, but I do need some support to get back on track. Not to mention there's lots I need to fill Dr. Jeter in on. Danielle asked who I wanted to see on Monday and I told her Dr. Jeter and I also requested a session with Ashlee. She also told me that CARF (don't ask what that stands for) is coming on Monday. They are the company that keeps Canopy Cove accredited or something. She asked me if I wouldn't mind getting interviewed by them! I told her I'd be happy to. I have lots of good things to say about Canopy Cove!

Work and school kept me busy this week. I also spent some time with Malcom. I wish I had good Malcom news, but I don't. It's pretty stable. Of course we've been texting back and forth. He told me the other night I could have stayed the night if I wanted to. Ah, I can't even put into words how much I adore him. He's just a perfect man. I know that is totally a cognitive distortion, but it's so real right now. I haven't been able to find any flaw in him, like Dr. Brogdon suggested me to do. And trust me, I've tried really hard. Why can't we just be together?! It's really putting a damper on my other dating life because I can't fully enjoy my time with other dates because so much of me wants Malcom, and thinks about him.

In other dating news, there's that one pushy guy. Yeah, I'll refer to him as "Pushy". Anyway, he invited me over last night. I didn't really want to go, but little un-assertive me said "I'll be over in a few". I guess it wasn't a bad idea that I went over. He, of course, was super pushy and wanted to be really physical. But I didn't allow anything. Anything! Go me! He was pissed. And basically told me that he was planning on not texting or calling me for at least a week. How can guys...well, this guy...expect everytime we hang out that he's going to get something. I have the right not to be in the mood, or to be tired. Or to just not want to be physical! Well, if he doesn't call me, it's no skin off my back! More time for Malcom...

On one hand I love weekends. I'm able to sleep in and just relax. But on the other hand, I hate them. It really gives the eating disorder alot of ammo for self distructing thoughts. My eating patterns have been all over the place, as usual. Fortunately, I have not used certain behaviors in exactly a week! But I'm really stuck in a pattern of food monotony. Same thing for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack. The only breads I'm getting are crackers and pretzels at dinner and snack. I'm anxious to see if I'll have keytones on Monday.

(This probably sounds so typical) But I wish I could lose a few pounds. Not to the point I was at in July of 2010, but just maybe 10 pounds gone. I could manage at that, right? And if I stay there, and can still eat healthy, then whats the harm? I know for a fact I'm good at losing weight. I mean, I dropped so easily a few years ago. Then why is it so damn hard now?! I feel like an unsuccessful anorexic. I can't lose 10 freaking pounds. Is it because I'm not trying hard enough? Is it because part of me still wants recovery more than anything? I don't know. All I know is that I would feel more comfortable in my skin if I was smaller, thinner, more fragile. That's what I'm used to. I'm not used to having curves. A butt and boobs? Where did these come from? Still, after almost 2 years, I look in the mirror and question who is looking back at me. Where did she come from? Has she been hiding for the past 8 years? Is this who I'm supposed to be? I don't know that either. But I guess if I was in "anorexic mode" I wouldn't have had the guts to stick up to Pushy. I would be way too passive. I think it's a trade off. Then I guess the question is: what am I willing to give up in "recovered life" in order to try to live an "anorexic life"? And can I do both?

I think the answer is no.