Let's talk about intuitive eating, shall we?
I bought a book a few years back. It was actually in the dieting section, so if you're triggered by some of those books, I suggest you order it online or something. It's called Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch (both RDs). It was a very good book because, well, basically everyone should aim to eat intuitively.
Anyway, what is intuitive eating? According to the website http://www.intuitiveeating.org/, it is "an approach that teaches you how to create a healthy relationship with your FOOD, MIND & BODY- where you ultimately become the expert of your own body." This seems like such a hard feat for someone recovering from an eating disorder. "Expert of your own body"? If we want to be an expert on something, don't we have to at least like it? We have been so disconnected from our bodies for so long- we have been tricked, decieved, lied to by the eating disorder- so how are we supposed to learn what our bodies need? If I've learned anything from being in treatment for nearly 15 months, its that RECOVERY TAKES TIME. I know that so many times I have let the eating disorder tell me that I'm a failure for still struggling after 15 months of treatment. Why can't I be better yet? What is wrong with me? Will I EVER not struggle? Or will I suffer in some way for the rest of my life? But I always come back to this: I was sick for so long, that recovery might take a while too.
"My worst day in recovery is better than my best day in relapse."
Back to the book: When I can eat intuitively, I will be able to distinguish between emotional and physical feelings. I will gain a sense of "body wisdom". AHA! Isn't that key? They always say that "it has nothing to do with the food". Maybe they're right. Intuitive eating is making PEACE WITH FOOD. Not labeling it as "good or bad". It's about hearing and responding to my inner body cues. When you think about it (and I often do), what population eats the best? BABIES AND TODDLERS. Seriously. Watch them eat sometime. They were born with that inner wisdom to listen to their bodies. You and I were born with it too. I guess I just have to connect with my inner child.
I really suggest you check out the website. But if you can't, here's some principles to pay attention to:
10 Intuitive Eating Principles
1) Reject the "diet" mentality.
2) Honor your hunger.
3) Make peace with food.
4) Challenge the food police.
5) Respect your fullness.
6) Discover the satisfaction factor.
7) Honor your feelings without using food (or lack thereof).
8) Respect your body.
9) Excerise- feel it, don't just do it.
10) Honor your health.
So how are we supposed to know when we're ready to eat intuitively? Because let's be honest: someone who is just starting out treatment is not ready to rely on their body cues because their cues have been skewed so much by the eating disorder. We actually had a group with Ashlee (AO!) on this. She gave us some indicators on how to know when we're ready for intuitive eating. If you're thinking about taking this challenge upon yourself, you should probably check these off as you go. See if you're ready.
-Able to tolerate risks with eating.
-Able to tolerate being uncomfortable (trying new food challenges can be temporarily uncomfortable).
-Recognize (and manage) needs and feelings.
-Value self-care.
-Recognize vulnerability.
All in all, no one wants to be on a meal plan for the rest of their lives. Intuitive eating is possible, even for those recovering from an eating disorder. It might take time...lots of time. But don't get frustrated.
Now I feel like I just wrote an essay on intuitive eating. Sorry if I bored you, but I think this stuff is important. Especially for those who have been in treatment for a while. If you want to know where I am in all of this, I am happy to tell you. I no longer follow a "meal plan". I know what I'm supposed to have (this many breads, so and so fats, X amount of fruits, etc...), but I don't fill out an intake form or anything anymore, even when I still go to Canopy Cove. I guess I just try to have something from each exchange at every meal, and then as far as snacks, I kind of just have what I'm craving. Ashlee told me to have at least 2 different exchanges for snacks. Sure, I'm still afraid of fats and there are definitely foods that I avoid out of fear. I still need to work on my food challenges for sure. But I can say that I am proud of myself for the strides I've made with lessening my worries and anxieties around food. I have literally been measuring food for years. Sometimes, in my extremely sick days, I would measure things at least 3 times just to be safe. But I'm happy to say that I've drastically reduced my measuring! I only really measure things like fats and cottage cheese, rice, and milk. When I first got to Canopy Cove, I told Ashlee that I never could picture myself NOT measuring foods and drinks. But little by little I stopped. I first started with not measuring vegetables, then fruits, etc... And I have faith that you can do it too. Just trust yourself a little! Trust your inner child. Because your inner child has the wisdom you need to balance your food, body and mind!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Who's In The Driver's Seat?
I feel like I only really post when something bad is happening. Lucky for you, I'm posting today despite not having anything bad happening. I tell you, ever since I've limited my time with Malcom, things have become alot easier. My behaviors have decreased, my time isn't spent worrying and analyzing everything that has to do with him, and it's been 9 days since I've cut. Yay!
Of course, there are other stressors that always creep in. But most of my stressors now are "normal people" stressors, not "eating disorder" stressors. What do I mean by normal people stressors? School, boys, finances. You know? Those things.
I had program at Canopy Cove on Monday. Unfortunately, Monday was a big eating disorder thought day. And today, well todays been pretty good. Carly invited me to Panera for "Family & Friends" day. I had dinner there. I met exchanges and didn't over eat by any means, but I'm still feeling really full and guilty. I guess I get that guilt whenever I eat out at a restaurant. Something about not having all the control. And we both know eating disorders are partially about control!
I guess giving up that control is key to recovery. (Along with other things). Why do people with eating disorders feel they are SO in control? We aren't at all. The eating disorder is.
Many times I've been asked by therapists, "Well why do you want to be sick?"
"It's comfortable. And familiar. And I like having control over my weight, food, calories, exercise."
There are other reasons too, but for the sake of your time I will get into that later.
Sure, we might have control of our calories and what we eat, and how much we exercise. But who is controlling our thoughts? The eating disorder! Ultimately, don't our thoughts control our actions (eating, not eating, etc...)? Therefore, the eating disorder is controlling our actions indirectly. So the eating disorder is in control. Boo to that!
When going into treatment, I guess we have no other choice than to give our control up. We are kind of forced into trusting complete strangers to completely change our lives and tell us what to eat and how to communicate, blah blah blah. But I'm curious at what point are we truly ready to take back our control? To take back control of our lives? Is it when we gain a certain number of pounds? Is it when we don't use food rituals? Is it when we no longer rely on food, or lack thereof, to determine our day? As a person with an eating disorder, will I ever be able to fully control my life without a smidgen of anorexia? I guess thats the ultimate goal.
Of course, there are other stressors that always creep in. But most of my stressors now are "normal people" stressors, not "eating disorder" stressors. What do I mean by normal people stressors? School, boys, finances. You know? Those things.
I had program at Canopy Cove on Monday. Unfortunately, Monday was a big eating disorder thought day. And today, well todays been pretty good. Carly invited me to Panera for "Family & Friends" day. I had dinner there. I met exchanges and didn't over eat by any means, but I'm still feeling really full and guilty. I guess I get that guilt whenever I eat out at a restaurant. Something about not having all the control. And we both know eating disorders are partially about control!
I guess giving up that control is key to recovery. (Along with other things). Why do people with eating disorders feel they are SO in control? We aren't at all. The eating disorder is.
Many times I've been asked by therapists, "Well why do you want to be sick?"
"It's comfortable. And familiar. And I like having control over my weight, food, calories, exercise."
There are other reasons too, but for the sake of your time I will get into that later.
Sure, we might have control of our calories and what we eat, and how much we exercise. But who is controlling our thoughts? The eating disorder! Ultimately, don't our thoughts control our actions (eating, not eating, etc...)? Therefore, the eating disorder is controlling our actions indirectly. So the eating disorder is in control. Boo to that!
When going into treatment, I guess we have no other choice than to give our control up. We are kind of forced into trusting complete strangers to completely change our lives and tell us what to eat and how to communicate, blah blah blah. But I'm curious at what point are we truly ready to take back our control? To take back control of our lives? Is it when we gain a certain number of pounds? Is it when we don't use food rituals? Is it when we no longer rely on food, or lack thereof, to determine our day? As a person with an eating disorder, will I ever be able to fully control my life without a smidgen of anorexia? I guess thats the ultimate goal.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Stand
I wish I had something interesting to talk about, but I really don't. I haven't been doing excellent, but I haven't been doing horribly either. I guess thats a good thing. I've been able to keep busy with school work and my job but those eating disorder behaviors like to creep in whenever they want.
I realized today that I tend to have the most trouble when I get stuck in a rut, especially with certain foods. Certain "safe foods". So today I decided to go to the grocery store and do some branching out. I spent an hour in Publix (among all the FSU tailgaters buying beer for the Oklahoma game today). I carried around my little basket and picked up things that I have been too afraid to eat. Cous cous (which is fun to say), bread pudding, stuff to make smoothies, and a ball of fresh mozzarella were some of the experiments in my basket. We'll see how my new food items work out.
On a lighter note, I came across this really excellent song by Lenny Kravitz called "Stand". I hope you all find it as inspiring as I do.
Stand by Lenny Kravitz
I realized today that I tend to have the most trouble when I get stuck in a rut, especially with certain foods. Certain "safe foods". So today I decided to go to the grocery store and do some branching out. I spent an hour in Publix (among all the FSU tailgaters buying beer for the Oklahoma game today). I carried around my little basket and picked up things that I have been too afraid to eat. Cous cous (which is fun to say), bread pudding, stuff to make smoothies, and a ball of fresh mozzarella were some of the experiments in my basket. We'll see how my new food items work out.
On a lighter note, I came across this really excellent song by Lenny Kravitz called "Stand". I hope you all find it as inspiring as I do.
Stand by Lenny Kravitz
Don't give up,
You're gonna see tomorrow
That you'll be on your feet again
Sometimes the world's gonna knock you over
But you will see who you are your friends
Come on, stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Your faith and patience will be your soldiers
To guide you through your troubled times
Just put one foot in front of the other
The battles are inside your mind
You have the power to face your demons
No matter how they go on time
And rid yourself of your fear and weakness
So you can start to live your life
COME ON! Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
COME ON! Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Pick up your will
And put on your face
If you need to, just take my hand
It's time to demonstrate, don't hesitate
Just get up and say: Yes, I can
Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again.
You're gonna see tomorrow
That you'll be on your feet again
Sometimes the world's gonna knock you over
But you will see who you are your friends
Come on, stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Your faith and patience will be your soldiers
To guide you through your troubled times
Just put one foot in front of the other
The battles are inside your mind
You have the power to face your demons
No matter how they go on time
And rid yourself of your fear and weakness
So you can start to live your life
COME ON! Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
COME ON! Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Pick up your will
And put on your face
If you need to, just take my hand
It's time to demonstrate, don't hesitate
Just get up and say: Yes, I can
Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again
Stand, up again
Come on, stand,
Stand, you're gonna run again.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Lady in Waiting
I can honestly say today that I am content with how things are right now. That's not to say tomorrow might be better or worse. But for now, I'm okay. And the real okay, not the I'm saying I'm okay but I'm really dying inside okay.
I woke up early this morning and made it a priority to have breakfast. I was actually hungry when I woke up. I did my usual body-checking routine in my unfortunate full length mirror. Dissatisfied. I still haven't gotten used to having a normal, convex looking stomach. I still long for that concave, hungry stomach at times. Some days I let the body-checking dictate my day. But today I did not. Breakfast, check. I usually put off showering directly after breakfast (or any meal) for two reasons: to stay out of the bathroom so I don't use behaviors and so I don't have to see myself naked. My body is still a foreign object to me. Today I had things to do, however, so I had to hop in the shower post-breakfast. I showered as quickly as possible and went on my merry way to see my math professor.
I went to Canopy Cove for program today. It was actually a decent day. I had lunch with everyone, which always helps. Then I had a moving session with Dr. Jeter. We talked alot about Malcom and the decisions I've made with him. We talked about God and my relationship with Him. And, get ready for it, we talked about marriage.
I've always known I want to be married and have at least one child by the time I'm 30, but we came to the conclusion today that if I were to meet the right person tomorrow, I wouldn't be opposed to getting married a year from now! That doesn't mean that I want to rush into anything, but I'm ready, SO ready to be in a committed, monogomous relationship. Of course I want to get my degree and do things like travel before I have babies, but maybe I'll find a partner who will want to join me in my adventures. Dr. Jeter said I should make clear what I want with any potential boyfriend early in the relationship.
It's hard living in a college town and meeting a decent, loving, respectful man who isn't just interested in, well, sex. By no means am I "old" but I am older than alot of student in this town (considering a majority of people my age are already graduated from college, but I'm sure I'll address that in another blog someday) and it's hard to find someone MY age who want the same things I want, or kind of like it says in the bible, "yoked like me". It says that believers should not be yoked with unbelievers, but I also think that we should be yoked with people of similar interests, morals, values, etc...
After that intense session, we had some groups with Ashlee and Dawn. I asked Ashlee a question that has been invading my mind lately, "You and everybody always says how we should listen to our bodies and honor our bodies, but why should we (us eating disorder clients) eat when we aren't even hungry?". Her answer was that it's ideal to eat intuitively but now, while we are in recovery, we can't necessarily rely on our hunger cues because they are so skewed. Many times we are just emotionally full, and we need to nourish our bodies despite that "fullness". So there ya go.
Nothing too exciting happened today, so you might be wondering why I'm "okay" after a wretched weekend like this past weekend. And the answer is that I realized today that somewhere in the world, there is my match. My mate. And he is just as frustrated as me in regards to finding ME. He will find me. I'm sure of it. And until then, I'm okay.
I woke up early this morning and made it a priority to have breakfast. I was actually hungry when I woke up. I did my usual body-checking routine in my unfortunate full length mirror. Dissatisfied. I still haven't gotten used to having a normal, convex looking stomach. I still long for that concave, hungry stomach at times. Some days I let the body-checking dictate my day. But today I did not. Breakfast, check. I usually put off showering directly after breakfast (or any meal) for two reasons: to stay out of the bathroom so I don't use behaviors and so I don't have to see myself naked. My body is still a foreign object to me. Today I had things to do, however, so I had to hop in the shower post-breakfast. I showered as quickly as possible and went on my merry way to see my math professor.
I went to Canopy Cove for program today. It was actually a decent day. I had lunch with everyone, which always helps. Then I had a moving session with Dr. Jeter. We talked alot about Malcom and the decisions I've made with him. We talked about God and my relationship with Him. And, get ready for it, we talked about marriage.
I've always known I want to be married and have at least one child by the time I'm 30, but we came to the conclusion today that if I were to meet the right person tomorrow, I wouldn't be opposed to getting married a year from now! That doesn't mean that I want to rush into anything, but I'm ready, SO ready to be in a committed, monogomous relationship. Of course I want to get my degree and do things like travel before I have babies, but maybe I'll find a partner who will want to join me in my adventures. Dr. Jeter said I should make clear what I want with any potential boyfriend early in the relationship.
It's hard living in a college town and meeting a decent, loving, respectful man who isn't just interested in, well, sex. By no means am I "old" but I am older than alot of student in this town (considering a majority of people my age are already graduated from college, but I'm sure I'll address that in another blog someday) and it's hard to find someone MY age who want the same things I want, or kind of like it says in the bible, "yoked like me". It says that believers should not be yoked with unbelievers, but I also think that we should be yoked with people of similar interests, morals, values, etc...
After that intense session, we had some groups with Ashlee and Dawn. I asked Ashlee a question that has been invading my mind lately, "You and everybody always says how we should listen to our bodies and honor our bodies, but why should we (us eating disorder clients) eat when we aren't even hungry?". Her answer was that it's ideal to eat intuitively but now, while we are in recovery, we can't necessarily rely on our hunger cues because they are so skewed. Many times we are just emotionally full, and we need to nourish our bodies despite that "fullness". So there ya go.
Nothing too exciting happened today, so you might be wondering why I'm "okay" after a wretched weekend like this past weekend. And the answer is that I realized today that somewhere in the world, there is my match. My mate. And he is just as frustrated as me in regards to finding ME. He will find me. I'm sure of it. And until then, I'm okay.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
iPhones, Football & Triscuits. Oh My!
I'm happy to report that today was an extreme 360 degree turn from yesterday. For one, I actually declined an invitation from Malcom to hang out. Yes, my excuse was that I was asleep (and it was true). But I actually felt good about it. I woke up early this morning and was eager to start my day. First thing was first: I had to eat breakfast. It was really hard this morning. I had that empty feeling in my body, probably from all of the restricting yesterday. But I always hate to interrupt that feeling. It's such a comfortable feeling. However, I know what this feeling means. It means I need to eat breakfast. So I did.
Meds were next on the list. I'm not sure why I have such a hard time taking my meds. I always remember them, I just never want to actually take them. I think it's kind of a self-care thing. I know that taking them will help, but I sometimes I don't want that help. Maybe their not working, I tell myself, I don't actually need them. It's a waste of money....
Lately I have really been dying to buy a scale. Of course its not a good idea. I know that. But when I had to go to the store this morning I almost slipped. I semi-slipped. I weighed myself right there in the middle of Walmart. Bad idea? Yes. But did I let it ruin my day? Nope.
After my run-in with Walmart's most evil product, I just did some busy-body work around the house. I cleaned like there was no tomorrow, but cleaning actually calms me so I didn't mind.
Then, the best part of my day: I got an iPhone! I'm finally not the only one of Earth without one! So most of my afternoon was spent fiddling around with that.
I knew I had to go grocery shopping. Most of the time I LOVE to grocery shop (maybe this is an eating disorder thing), but today I was dreading it. I literally had about 5 food items at home, so I had no choice but to buy food today. It took me much longer than usual. I found myself checking labels, fat grams, sodium content, calories, etc... When this happens, I feel so binded by the eating disorder. I did buy some "joy" items though. Teddy Grahams! Triscuits! Goldfish! Yay! And of course, my anti-drug: Diet Coke!
I was My eating disorder was mad that my roommate was coming home for dinner, but I knew what had to be done. I had done so well all day and I wasn't going to stop now. I met my exchanges for dinner and didn't even have urges afterwards to use certain behaviors.
If you would have asked me last night if today was going to be better, I would have said no. But I'm glad it was. Things WILL get better. Things DO get better.
And, hey, the FSU football team even won today. =)
Meds were next on the list. I'm not sure why I have such a hard time taking my meds. I always remember them, I just never want to actually take them. I think it's kind of a self-care thing. I know that taking them will help, but I sometimes I don't want that help. Maybe their not working, I tell myself, I don't actually need them. It's a waste of money....
Lately I have really been dying to buy a scale. Of course its not a good idea. I know that. But when I had to go to the store this morning I almost slipped. I semi-slipped. I weighed myself right there in the middle of Walmart. Bad idea? Yes. But did I let it ruin my day? Nope.
After my run-in with Walmart's most evil product, I just did some busy-body work around the house. I cleaned like there was no tomorrow, but cleaning actually calms me so I didn't mind.
Then, the best part of my day: I got an iPhone! I'm finally not the only one of Earth without one! So most of my afternoon was spent fiddling around with that.
I knew I had to go grocery shopping. Most of the time I LOVE to grocery shop (maybe this is an eating disorder thing), but today I was dreading it. I literally had about 5 food items at home, so I had no choice but to buy food today. It took me much longer than usual. I found myself checking labels, fat grams, sodium content, calories, etc... When this happens, I feel so binded by the eating disorder. I did buy some "joy" items though. Teddy Grahams! Triscuits! Goldfish! Yay! And of course, my anti-drug: Diet Coke!
If you would have asked me last night if today was going to be better, I would have said no. But I'm glad it was. Things WILL get better. Things DO get better.
And, hey, the FSU football team even won today. =)
Friday, September 9, 2011
We are all FINE.
Lots of women fake it... and I'm one of them.
No, not what you're thinking. Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm talking about how I feel. As you have hopefully previously read, I haven't been doing so well. I'm sad, depressed, lonely, discouraged, frustrated. Yet, ask most of the people I run into and they'd say I'm fine.
I am fine. We are all fine:
Fed up.
Insecure.
Nervous.
Emotional.
Why is it so hard for people to get to know the real you? Why are we trying to please everyone? Don't others want us to be real? Honest? Truthful? I don't know about you, but I'm tired of BSing smiles and laughs. But imagine how they would respond if this is how our conversation went:
Avergae Joe: "Hey Kelly! Long time no see! How are you?"
Me: "Oh...hi. I'm actually doing miserable. I'm depressed beyond belief. I feel engulfed by my eating disorder. Not to mention my self-harm thoughts are outrageous. Thanks for asking"
This world would be an honest yet unhappy place. So my point is that NONE OF US ARE OKAY . Maybe it seems like the next guy or gal over is perfect; has the ideal life, flawless face, perfect relationships, etc. But everyone has their baggage. Everyone has their issue. It's not whether or not we HAVE baggage, it's how we STORE & CARRY our baggage!
Now that I've established we all have baggage and issues, I guess I should suggest what you do with it.
Give it to God. That's what He's there for. That's what He died for.
Imagine this: A man who has a garbage can full of issues marries a woman who also has a garbage can full of issues. What do they now have in their marriage? A DUMPSTER full of issues. And who wants to pour a dumpster of garbage on their children?
What better way can we rid our baggage and garbage than to hand it over to the one that WANTS it. We certainly don't want it. So, give it to God. He will recycle our garbage and issues for us so we can use our experiences for good. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
No, not what you're thinking. Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm talking about how I feel. As you have hopefully previously read, I haven't been doing so well. I'm sad, depressed, lonely, discouraged, frustrated. Yet, ask most of the people I run into and they'd say I'm fine.
I am fine. We are all fine:
Fed up.
Insecure.
Nervous.
Emotional.
Why is it so hard for people to get to know the real you? Why are we trying to please everyone? Don't others want us to be real? Honest? Truthful? I don't know about you, but I'm tired of BSing smiles and laughs. But imagine how they would respond if this is how our conversation went:
Avergae Joe: "Hey Kelly! Long time no see! How are you?"
Me: "Oh...hi. I'm actually doing miserable. I'm depressed beyond belief. I feel engulfed by my eating disorder. Not to mention my self-harm thoughts are outrageous. Thanks for asking"
This world would be an honest yet unhappy place. So my point is that NONE OF US ARE OKAY . Maybe it seems like the next guy or gal over is perfect; has the ideal life, flawless face, perfect relationships, etc. But everyone has their baggage. Everyone has their issue. It's not whether or not we HAVE baggage, it's how we STORE & CARRY our baggage!
Now that I've established we all have baggage and issues, I guess I should suggest what you do with it.
Give it to God. That's what He's there for. That's what He died for.
Imagine this: A man who has a garbage can full of issues marries a woman who also has a garbage can full of issues. What do they now have in their marriage? A DUMPSTER full of issues. And who wants to pour a dumpster of garbage on their children?
What better way can we rid our baggage and garbage than to hand it over to the one that WANTS it. We certainly don't want it. So, give it to God. He will recycle our garbage and issues for us so we can use our experiences for good. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
Here's to health & happiness
"What does your heart feel?" she asked.
I wish I knew. But I didn't tell her that. I don't know what my heart feels lately. Lonely? Depressed? Sad? Numb? All of the above.
Last night was extremely bittersweet. I'll leave it at that. And today me, myself and I turned it purely bitter. So bitter, in fact, that I made it hurt. It's so much easier to hurt on the outside rather than hurt on the inside. At least I can manage physical pain. I cannot manage emotional pain. (If any of you have the key to managing emotional pain, please, PLEASE relay me the message).
I will also let you know that today was an unsuccessfull eating day. I basically only ate dinner. And it was an emotional dinner. I thank God everyday I have Carly. She helped me so much. I broke down mid-bite of my corn during dinner:
"I can't do this. I don't deserve this. I am so SELFISH for eating this." Then I proceeded to vent about how much I wanted to be sick again because when I was sick, I didn't have to worry about ANY of these issues. I had one issue to worry about: weight. Carly talked me through all of it. Sure, my conversation with Canopy Cove was helpful, but sometimes I'd rather have some good, old fashioned girl talk with my roommate/ best friend. I knew that she understood exactly what I was feeling. And that helped me more than anything.
After dinner I surrendered my scissors to Carly.
We continued with our daily ritual of Starbucks post-dinner. I was in line ordering my tall, unsweetened iced coffee with a dome lid when I got a phone call. This person, who shall remain nameless, says 2 things that strike me the wrong way:
A) That they don't know why I'm doing this. "For attention?", they ask. At that point I excused myself from Starbucks to yell at them. "You think I'm doing this for attention? If I wanted some attention I would do something alot worse!" It really irks me when people assume sufferers are starving themselves, cutting themselves, bingeing, purging, doing drugs, drinking, etc... for attention. I'm sure some people are, but lots of us aren't.
B) That I "already have everything I want". Seriously? This person reminded me of a year and a half ago when I was extremely sick and how I couldn't drive, go to school, and have friends. Yes, it's true that I have alot more things in my life that I didn't have back then, like school and a job, but everything I want? Far from it! I want HEALTH & HAPPINESS. Do I have that? No. The one prayer that I pray everyday is "Dear God, please watch over my family, friends and Nina because I love them so very much. And help me to be happy and healthy." And if you ask anyone who I've ever Cheers'd with, they'll tell you that I always say "Here's to health and happiness." So, no, I don't have everything I've always wanted. I just have been blessed with some of my goals in life.
Just so you know, I love this nameless person and I always appreciate talking to them even if it rubs me the wrong way sometimes.
Anyway, I need a game plan.
How's this sound?
1. Actually take my meds.
2. Find and participate in more fellowship at church.
3. Reach out to others when I need help.
4. Limit Malcom contact.
5. Nourish my body.
Ready. Set. Go....
I wish I knew. But I didn't tell her that. I don't know what my heart feels lately. Lonely? Depressed? Sad? Numb? All of the above.
Last night was extremely bittersweet. I'll leave it at that. And today me, myself and I turned it purely bitter. So bitter, in fact, that I made it hurt. It's so much easier to hurt on the outside rather than hurt on the inside. At least I can manage physical pain. I cannot manage emotional pain. (If any of you have the key to managing emotional pain, please, PLEASE relay me the message).
I will also let you know that today was an unsuccessfull eating day. I basically only ate dinner. And it was an emotional dinner. I thank God everyday I have Carly. She helped me so much. I broke down mid-bite of my corn during dinner:
"I can't do this. I don't deserve this. I am so SELFISH for eating this." Then I proceeded to vent about how much I wanted to be sick again because when I was sick, I didn't have to worry about ANY of these issues. I had one issue to worry about: weight. Carly talked me through all of it. Sure, my conversation with Canopy Cove was helpful, but sometimes I'd rather have some good, old fashioned girl talk with my roommate/ best friend. I knew that she understood exactly what I was feeling. And that helped me more than anything.
After dinner I surrendered my scissors to Carly.
We continued with our daily ritual of Starbucks post-dinner. I was in line ordering my tall, unsweetened iced coffee with a dome lid when I got a phone call. This person, who shall remain nameless, says 2 things that strike me the wrong way:
A) That they don't know why I'm doing this. "For attention?", they ask. At that point I excused myself from Starbucks to yell at them. "You think I'm doing this for attention? If I wanted some attention I would do something alot worse!" It really irks me when people assume sufferers are starving themselves, cutting themselves, bingeing, purging, doing drugs, drinking, etc... for attention. I'm sure some people are, but lots of us aren't.
B) That I "already have everything I want". Seriously? This person reminded me of a year and a half ago when I was extremely sick and how I couldn't drive, go to school, and have friends. Yes, it's true that I have alot more things in my life that I didn't have back then, like school and a job, but everything I want? Far from it! I want HEALTH & HAPPINESS. Do I have that? No. The one prayer that I pray everyday is "Dear God, please watch over my family, friends and Nina because I love them so very much. And help me to be happy and healthy." And if you ask anyone who I've ever Cheers'd with, they'll tell you that I always say "Here's to health and happiness." So, no, I don't have everything I've always wanted. I just have been blessed with some of my goals in life.
Just so you know, I love this nameless person and I always appreciate talking to them even if it rubs me the wrong way sometimes.
Anyway, I need a game plan.
How's this sound?
1. Actually take my meds.
2. Find and participate in more fellowship at church.
3. Reach out to others when I need help.
4. Limit Malcom contact.
5. Nourish my body.
Ready. Set. Go....
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Rain in the Sunshine State
Is it Friday yet? Seriously.
I want this wretched week to just end. Nothing good has come from this week. It has been a complete waste.
Yesterday I had classes and work. Well, one class. I'm going to TCC part-time (taking 2 classes) so I can continue with treatment at Canopy Cove and also so I can work. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class, then work then class again. But I'm ashamed to say I skipped my morning class yesterday. I told my teacher it was because of "current medical issues". Is complete depression and lack of motivation enough of a "medical issue"? Whatever.
I apologize for my negativity. At least the weather here in Florida has been lovely. Not too hot at all. But hot enough where short sleeves and tank tops are still expected. (This makes for akward stares at my wrists recently). The excuse I use? Umm, I was scratched by a cat.
If you're nosey like I am, you're probably wondering what the status of Malcom is. I wish I even knew! I deleted his number from my phone after Sunday. But he actually made several attempts to text and even call me! Sure, I later found out he was drunk, but it still made me feel....good. I guess as good as one could feel after having a crappy day. Yesterday he texted me late at night just to see what was up, and then continued to talk about really casual things. I still haven't re-saved his number in my phone because I don't want to be tempted to text him. But..ughhh.....too late today. I sent an innocent "FIFA tonight?" (If you don't know what FIFA is, I suggest you Google it). I think I just want to text him, or hang out with him, or call him just to know he's thinking about me. Even if it's for the split second he's reading MY text. Or for the few seconds he's scrolling through his phone to find MY name. I want him to think of me so I can have some, any connection with another human being. I just want some damn intimacy with someone. And, no, intimacy doesn't mean sex. It means, to me, closeness. I want ultimately to be close to someone and for someone to love me unconditionally, no matter what I eat or what I do to my body or what I say or how I mess up, and despite my past.
On another note, there was a mini-war in my head today about lunch.
Me: Should I eat lunch today or not? Well, I have work, and I work with children so I probably should eat lunch.
Eating Disorder: Ohh, but all you do lately at work is pick them up from school so you don't need that energy. Plus, your breakfast was rather big and filling. Not to mention you are going over to RS's apartment for her birthday tonight where they are making PIZZAS! And you know what pizzas mean: FAT!!!
Me: I should wake Carly up and ask her to eat with me for extra support.
Eating Disorder: Don't do that! She needs her rest! If you HAVE to, you can always make it up later. Just fill up on coffee before work so you don't feel ill.
Me: Okay.
Let's just say that the eating disorder won.
I want this wretched week to just end. Nothing good has come from this week. It has been a complete waste.
Yesterday I had classes and work. Well, one class. I'm going to TCC part-time (taking 2 classes) so I can continue with treatment at Canopy Cove and also so I can work. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class, then work then class again. But I'm ashamed to say I skipped my morning class yesterday. I told my teacher it was because of "current medical issues". Is complete depression and lack of motivation enough of a "medical issue"? Whatever.
I apologize for my negativity. At least the weather here in Florida has been lovely. Not too hot at all. But hot enough where short sleeves and tank tops are still expected. (This makes for akward stares at my wrists recently). The excuse I use? Umm, I was scratched by a cat.
If you're nosey like I am, you're probably wondering what the status of Malcom is. I wish I even knew! I deleted his number from my phone after Sunday. But he actually made several attempts to text and even call me! Sure, I later found out he was drunk, but it still made me feel....good. I guess as good as one could feel after having a crappy day. Yesterday he texted me late at night just to see what was up, and then continued to talk about really casual things. I still haven't re-saved his number in my phone because I don't want to be tempted to text him. But..ughhh.....too late today. I sent an innocent "FIFA tonight?" (If you don't know what FIFA is, I suggest you Google it). I think I just want to text him, or hang out with him, or call him just to know he's thinking about me. Even if it's for the split second he's reading MY text. Or for the few seconds he's scrolling through his phone to find MY name. I want him to think of me so I can have some, any connection with another human being. I just want some damn intimacy with someone. And, no, intimacy doesn't mean sex. It means, to me, closeness. I want ultimately to be close to someone and for someone to love me unconditionally, no matter what I eat or what I do to my body or what I say or how I mess up, and despite my past.
On another note, there was a mini-war in my head today about lunch.
Me: Should I eat lunch today or not? Well, I have work, and I work with children so I probably should eat lunch.
Eating Disorder: Ohh, but all you do lately at work is pick them up from school so you don't need that energy. Plus, your breakfast was rather big and filling. Not to mention you are going over to RS's apartment for her birthday tonight where they are making PIZZAS! And you know what pizzas mean: FAT!!!
Me: I should wake Carly up and ask her to eat with me for extra support.
Eating Disorder: Don't do that! She needs her rest! If you HAVE to, you can always make it up later. Just fill up on coffee before work so you don't feel ill.
Me: Okay.
Let's just say that the eating disorder won.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Empty
I sit here at 8:56pm blogging at Starbucks. I'm exhausted and I look forward to curling up in my bed and ending today because everyday I get through is another day further away from yesterday.
I went to Canopy Cove today for IOP. I had a much needed session with Dr. Jeter. It was extremely beneficial, like they always are.
As soon as I got to program, around noon, it was time to make and eat lunch. This was an extremely hard meal for me. I skipped breakfast this morning and before lunch I had that oh-so- addictive "empty" feeling in my body. I wish I could explain the empty feeling. A feeling like I am pure. Flawless. Clean. Like there are no toxins of food in my body. Nothing. I like the feeling of nothing. Especially when everything is going on around me. Everything that I cannot control or change. I CAN control my empty feeling. I CANNOT control what Malcom says to me.
My empty feeling was brutally killed by lunch.
After lunch and a few groups came snack. Snack was easier because I no longer had that empty feeling,but I still was not hungry. I had thoughts about using behaviors after I got home from program, but I didn't. Instead, I used one of my favorite coping skills: Napping!
Like I said, today is another day further away from yesterday. I'm thankful to God for the strength He gave me today. He gave me strength to eat today. And eating is essential for life. And ultimately, I want life.
I went to Canopy Cove today for IOP. I had a much needed session with Dr. Jeter. It was extremely beneficial, like they always are.
As soon as I got to program, around noon, it was time to make and eat lunch. This was an extremely hard meal for me. I skipped breakfast this morning and before lunch I had that oh-so- addictive "empty" feeling in my body. I wish I could explain the empty feeling. A feeling like I am pure. Flawless. Clean. Like there are no toxins of food in my body. Nothing. I like the feeling of nothing. Especially when everything is going on around me. Everything that I cannot control or change. I CAN control my empty feeling. I CANNOT control what Malcom says to me.
My empty feeling was brutally killed by lunch.
After lunch and a few groups came snack. Snack was easier because I no longer had that empty feeling,but I still was not hungry. I had thoughts about using behaviors after I got home from program, but I didn't. Instead, I used one of my favorite coping skills: Napping!
Like I said, today is another day further away from yesterday. I'm thankful to God for the strength He gave me today. He gave me strength to eat today. And eating is essential for life. And ultimately, I want life.
"If all we need is love, and God is love, then I guess all we really need is God."
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Man's Best Friend
And no, this post is not about dogs. It's about a man, let's call him "Malcom" for confidentiality purposes.
Malcom is the most beautiful man you will ever meet. No, he's not just handsome. He's beautiful. He's smart, sweet, funny. Perfect. Perfect? (Is that a congnitive distortion?)
Anyway, we hung out last night. We went out to this fancy schmancy restaurant with a few other people. I ate PIZZA with Malcom (HUGE challenge). It was the first time I had eaten in front of him (double victory!). We had our share of cuddly moments, yadda yadda yadda. To make a long story short, I texted him this morning. I was blunt. I asked him "How come you don't want to be more than friends with me? Are you waiting for someone prettier/ better/ nicer?" He answered with just about the nicest, worst answer ever: "I don't want to sound mean, but you're not my type. We just make such great friends."
Maybe it's just me, but that directly translates to "You're not pretty enough", "You're not smart enough", "You're not nice enough", "You're not cool enough", etc... I'm sorry but YOU DON'T KISS YOUR GREAT FRIENDS. How do you kiss and cuddle with someone that isn't your type? So I asked him. And Malcom responded with "Sometimes physical wants beats morals. It was a mistake on both our parts."
"No. It wasn't a mistake." I told him, "I like you alot, and I guess I was silly for thinking it was mutual."
Great friends? Sure.
Can I even start to think of seeing Malcom with another girl? No.
So what happened next? Nothing good. That's for sure. I called Canopy Cove and told them about my urges. But they didn't call back in time. After using behaviors and not-so-good coping skills, all I could think was What is wrong with me? I want to be sick. SICK. Sick to the point of no return. When I was sick and married to my anorexia, this never would have happened. Truth is: It never would have happened because I would never have left the house, talked to a guy, became vulnerable with another human being. And it's crazy that I still often crave that sense of security that my eating disorder gave me. It was safe. It was comfortable. It was reliable. I didn't have to worry about being hurt by men, because I avoided them. But it's a trade off. I can't have the amazing things I have now and still be sick.
Now, maybe this whole situation doesn't seem like such an epic disaster that it is to me. And that's okay. And maybe I'm overreacting. That's okay too. I'm allowed to overreact. Maybe this post will help you understand that an eating disorder mind is a deadly and manipulative one. An eating disorder mind will get you to believe the worst of things.
After crying myself to the point of blurred vision, I knew I had to leave my house. I could no longer bear to be alone with my thoughts. So I forced myself to shower. And then I got dressed and went on my way in the downpouring rain to Starbucks (my second home).
God bless Karen. She called me back and talked some rationality into me:
Who is Malcom to have the power to control what I do? What I eat? What I do to my body? GOD IS IN CONTROL! He is all we need. He is all I need. She suggested everytime I think of Malcom, that I instantly replace that thought with a thought like God, please direct myself to Your truth. Help Malcom find what he needs to find. Help me to focus on You, God, and Your will. I can do this. God will give me the strength I need to get through this and every day. God sends me blessings like a call from Karen, my roommate Carly, my family, my precious nephews. I have my God and that, my friends, is what controls my life, not Malcom.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
This is where the healing begins
Well I suppose I should introduce myself.
From the title of my blog, you can already tell that I'm in recovery. "Recovery from what?", you ask. An eating disorder. More specifically, anorexia. If you don't know anything about anorexia or eating disorders, I suggest you visit www.something-fishy.org and play around. It's a pretty reliable source.
Anyway, my eating disorder started when I was 15 years old. December 23, 2003 to be exact. I started seeing a therapist named Andy twice a week for a few months but then was put in a psychiatric facility called Four Winds in March. I was there for a month where I regained weight and did some BS therapy. The eating disorder was so new that I didn't really delve into any REAL issues that were brewing in my heart. They mainly focused on my weight.
Right after Four Winds, I started to relapse quickly and the following July I went to Renfrew in Philadelphia. Again, there for a month. Came out, relapsed, blah blah blah, went back to Renfrew in January of 2005. Alot of in-and-out of hospitals as far as dehydration and electrolite imbalance.
The next 2 years (2005-2007) were a blur. I have been put on just about every psychiatric medication under the sun and during those 2 years I was on Prozac. I had such adverse reactions to it, but my psychiatrist kept increasing my dose. Finally, after cutting, and overdosing for nearly 2 years, I attempted suicide in May of 2007. My mother found me in my garage with a rope around my neck. I was put back in Four Winds for a week, where my doctor took me off of Prozac. (Don't get me wrong, NOTHING against Prozac. It just did not work for me).
I graduated high school in June of 2007 and left for art school in August of 2007. Things were great but my anorexia loved the freedom from parents and rules and structure. I soon relapsed and in December of 2007 had to withdraw from school. I was put in a medical hospital where I was tube-fed for 2 weeks. Same thing happened in August of 2008 and then again in December of 2008.
During this time, I was able to stay in a local community college. Thank God. At least it gave me some sense of purpose.
In May of 2009 I had to have a lymph node biopsy because I had swollen lymph nodes all over my body. I was also having all kinds of digestive problems, easy bruising and other weird things. I had to see a hemotologist and no one knew what was up.
The most life changing day of my entire life was July 2, 2009. I weighed myself for the first day in probably 7 months. I knew I had lost weight. But the amount literally scared me to the floor. At 20 years old, I weighed as much as a 9 year old girl. I knew something, anything, had to be done. But I was determined not to go into a hospital. I wanted to do it myself. I proposed the idea to my parents. That night, I went to my local emergency care center, where I agreed to get blood drawn, my weight taken and etc. I also agreed to see my primary care doctor (Dr. Flanagan) once a week to get weights and vitals done, my therapist (Joe) twice a week for therapy and my dietician (Judy) once a week. Basically, the next year of my life revolved around doctors appointments and intense therapy.
Dr. Flanagan gave me a handicap tag for the car so I wouldn't have to walk and burn extra calories. My parents bought a wheelchair for me and I would have to be wheeled around if we were planning on walking more than a few feet. Yes, I stayed in school. But I was only taking 2 classes. I had to stop driving because it was unsafe, so my mother would bring me to class. I had to literally carry around a cushion because there was no fat in my butt so I could not sit on any hard surface. (People probably thought I had hemroids).
It was a year of hell. Straight hell. I'll get into more details later, but all you need to know for now is how MISERABLE I was. I did not see friends. I did not see family. I did not see myself. When I did, I cried. In fact, I cried every day for over a year. I was depressed, sad, miserable. My mind and body were so malnourished that I was not thinking rationally at all. I was confused all the time, I was forgetful, I was miserable. Miserable.
In December of 2009, I was close to attempting suicide again. I had a rope around my neck and closed myself in my closet. My last cry for help saved my life. I cried out to God (who I had previously been skeptical of), "DEAR GOD, IF YOU ARE REAL....SEND HELP". My mother barged in and stopped me.
In May of 2010, after nearly a year of complete destruction, hopelessness and misery, I started researching treatment centers. I narrowed it down to 2 centers and after 2 months of "back and forth" thinking whether I wanted to go into treatment or not, I chose LIFE, not death. I contacted and confirmed admission to Canopy Cove ( www.canopycove.com ) and on July 7, 2010, I began the first day of the rest of my life...
From the title of my blog, you can already tell that I'm in recovery. "Recovery from what?", you ask. An eating disorder. More specifically, anorexia. If you don't know anything about anorexia or eating disorders, I suggest you visit www.something-fishy.org and play around. It's a pretty reliable source.
Anyway, my eating disorder started when I was 15 years old. December 23, 2003 to be exact. I started seeing a therapist named Andy twice a week for a few months but then was put in a psychiatric facility called Four Winds in March. I was there for a month where I regained weight and did some BS therapy. The eating disorder was so new that I didn't really delve into any REAL issues that were brewing in my heart. They mainly focused on my weight.
Right after Four Winds, I started to relapse quickly and the following July I went to Renfrew in Philadelphia. Again, there for a month. Came out, relapsed, blah blah blah, went back to Renfrew in January of 2005. Alot of in-and-out of hospitals as far as dehydration and electrolite imbalance.
The next 2 years (2005-2007) were a blur. I have been put on just about every psychiatric medication under the sun and during those 2 years I was on Prozac. I had such adverse reactions to it, but my psychiatrist kept increasing my dose. Finally, after cutting, and overdosing for nearly 2 years, I attempted suicide in May of 2007. My mother found me in my garage with a rope around my neck. I was put back in Four Winds for a week, where my doctor took me off of Prozac. (Don't get me wrong, NOTHING against Prozac. It just did not work for me).
I graduated high school in June of 2007 and left for art school in August of 2007. Things were great but my anorexia loved the freedom from parents and rules and structure. I soon relapsed and in December of 2007 had to withdraw from school. I was put in a medical hospital where I was tube-fed for 2 weeks. Same thing happened in August of 2008 and then again in December of 2008.
During this time, I was able to stay in a local community college. Thank God. At least it gave me some sense of purpose.
In May of 2009 I had to have a lymph node biopsy because I had swollen lymph nodes all over my body. I was also having all kinds of digestive problems, easy bruising and other weird things. I had to see a hemotologist and no one knew what was up.
The most life changing day of my entire life was July 2, 2009. I weighed myself for the first day in probably 7 months. I knew I had lost weight. But the amount literally scared me to the floor. At 20 years old, I weighed as much as a 9 year old girl. I knew something, anything, had to be done. But I was determined not to go into a hospital. I wanted to do it myself. I proposed the idea to my parents. That night, I went to my local emergency care center, where I agreed to get blood drawn, my weight taken and etc. I also agreed to see my primary care doctor (Dr. Flanagan) once a week to get weights and vitals done, my therapist (Joe) twice a week for therapy and my dietician (Judy) once a week. Basically, the next year of my life revolved around doctors appointments and intense therapy.
Dr. Flanagan gave me a handicap tag for the car so I wouldn't have to walk and burn extra calories. My parents bought a wheelchair for me and I would have to be wheeled around if we were planning on walking more than a few feet. Yes, I stayed in school. But I was only taking 2 classes. I had to stop driving because it was unsafe, so my mother would bring me to class. I had to literally carry around a cushion because there was no fat in my butt so I could not sit on any hard surface. (People probably thought I had hemroids).
It was a year of hell. Straight hell. I'll get into more details later, but all you need to know for now is how MISERABLE I was. I did not see friends. I did not see family. I did not see myself. When I did, I cried. In fact, I cried every day for over a year. I was depressed, sad, miserable. My mind and body were so malnourished that I was not thinking rationally at all. I was confused all the time, I was forgetful, I was miserable. Miserable.
In December of 2009, I was close to attempting suicide again. I had a rope around my neck and closed myself in my closet. My last cry for help saved my life. I cried out to God (who I had previously been skeptical of), "DEAR GOD, IF YOU ARE REAL....SEND HELP". My mother barged in and stopped me.
In May of 2010, after nearly a year of complete destruction, hopelessness and misery, I started researching treatment centers. I narrowed it down to 2 centers and after 2 months of "back and forth" thinking whether I wanted to go into treatment or not, I chose LIFE, not death. I contacted and confirmed admission to Canopy Cove ( www.canopycove.com ) and on July 7, 2010, I began the first day of the rest of my life...
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