Great Expectations

My main reason for this post is to try to organize my thoughts on my current situation without using other self-destructive behaviors.


Cooper and I spent the weekend together. It went great. We always have such a good time. Friday night he came to my apartment and we just snuggled and went to bed. Then Saturday, we got up and went to my favorite place in Tallahassee (Lake Ella). I then had a huge surprise for him. I planned to cook him his favorite meal, macaroni & cheese (which is a giant fear food- carbohydrates AND fats!). I was going to make it and eat it...with him...like a normal person. 


Before the meal, I feel like I may have restricted. I had a smoothie and a few coffees for the entire day up until 6ish. Then came the starchy, cheesy goodness. I was so nervous and I even admitted this to him before taking my first bite. He made it easy though. The whole time he was telling me how perfect everything was and how he wished he could get meals like this everyday. That made me feel really great, that he genuinely appreciated what I was doing for him. 


After dinner, I had planned to take him to salsa dancing lessons! But we ended up getting there late, so we just got some drinks and left. 


If you can't tell, let me tell you something: I really like this guy. I know I've said this before, but he's clearly different from every other fella I've dated. 


And since I can obviously tell that I'm ready to perhaps commit to him, and be exclusive to him, I decided to have the talk with him today. 


I brought it up subtly, casually texting "Have you changed your Facebook status yet?".


He responded, "No. Why?"


Then he got busy with work so we didn't talk again until about an hour ago when he called me on the phone. 


My point of view is simple. I just wanted to know whether or not we were exclusive or not, and if we were "boyfriend/ girlfriend". And, of course, if it was Facebook official.


Well, I should've known. Guys always make things more complicated than they should be.


He went into this long speech about how labels have expectations and he wants to continue just doing what we've been doing. Then I told him how its a completely fair question to ask if we are exclusive or not. 


I'm just so confused right now. I never know how to think or feel when something like this happens. It feels like complete rejection. Even though he didn't say anything about leaving me. I have thought for months that I'm finally ready to be in a relationship. But am I? How will I ever know? If I'm constantly doubting myself and my partner, will I ever succeed with a man?


Just so many unanswered questions. And I have to admit, I had thoughts of cutting. Serious thoughts. But then I thought to myself He's going to see me in 2 weeks and what if he sees my scars? He'll never want me then. Sure, it's not the best reason because it was for someone else. But it's a reason. And ANY reason to not cut is a good enough reason. 

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

I'm just getting sucked deeper and deeper into the whirlpool of behaviors. It seems like my usage of them is slowly increasing and its scary. There's no way I want to be at the point I used to be. But in the past the only way I could get out of this rut was to go inpatient. I definitely don't want to do that. I have work! Is that a good enough excuse? Plus, the only place I would consider going back to is Canopy Cove. Can my heart afford to be ripped apart from them again? I'm not sure. 


In other news, my weekend was a blast. Friday through Sunday I used no behaviors. I ended up taking a road trip to  Atlanta. It was the best time I have had in such a long time. I desperately needed that too. Just some fun in my life, ya know? 


My friend introduced me to his friend (I'll call him Cooper). We have been Skyping for a few weeks but then I finally got to meet him in person this weekend. I will tell you, he is SO much different than any other guy I've EVER dated. He's a little bit older (30), but that only means he is more mature. He wouldn't even kiss me at first because he said he liked me so much he didn't want things to just be based on physical stuff. Now you may be wondering about the Minister. Well, after our camping excursion, I heard very little from him to the point that it's been almost a week since we've talked. 


Anyway, Cooper and I really hit it off and that's my point of this post. That, and the fact that I finally enjoyed myself. Even around food. Cooper knows about the eating disorder and once when we were eating lunch, he looked over at me taking a big slurp of soup and said, "You have never looked more beautiful than you do now." He really is super supportive. There isn't a day that goes by where he says how proud he is of me and how much of a fighter I am. It's nice to get some recognition of the battle I went through. 


This weekend helped me realize that fun times are still possible. They are out there. Sometimes you just have to be aware of who you are surrounding yourself with. Make sure they're supportive and loving and you'll only have fun times. 

The Good. The Bad & The Ugly.

A night to remember! Sunday night the Minister and I went camping! He invited me Friday night and I for sure thought that between Friday and Sunday he would change his mind or something, because he always seemed to do that whenever we made plans. But this time was different. He told me, "I'm sorry. I'm done being sketchy."


So, Sunday I drove a few hours into an Alabama campground. It was so beautiful! We were right on the lake and under a bunch of trees. Sounds great, right? Except for the fact that it rained. The ENTIRE time we were there. At one point, since we were right by a bathhouse, we decided to just hang out in there to escape the possible tornado. Then the most romantic thing happened...He took out his iPhone and put on "I'll Be" (the slow lovey-dovey song). And we slow danced! Right there in the pouring rain! I was so happy! Despite being soaking wet and cold. 


We cuddled at night in the tent and fell asleep. Well, "sleep" means tossing and turning all night. But it was still a great experience. 


I think I'm still catching up on sleep from that night, but I've still managed to make it to work. Tuesday I had off and it was a miserable, eating disordered day.


It started out alright. I was able to sleep in and I recently switched up my breakfast adding a little variety, and I'm really enjoying it. But then Tuesday turned ugly.


A little back story (that is relevant to this blog): About 6 or so years ago I "dated" this guy. Well, i say "date", but if you would've asked him, he would've said "Oh, we're just hooking up". Anyway, he was a complete jerk. I mean disgusting, nasty, terrible, jerk. He called me names and said the most ugliest things to me. Then, sometime last year I decided to forgive him. Jesus forgave, and we are to be more like Jesus, right? So I accepted him friend requests and blah blah blah.


The, fast forward to yesterday. He called me on Skype and I innocently answered. Being wary of his former ways, I chatted about non-threatening things such as weather and stuff like that. But then he started saying and doing those nasty things again. And it brought me emotionally RIGHT back to when I was in high school and he was treating me like that. I had a bunch of flashbacks and started feeling those horrible, shameful feelings. So just overall I felt really terrible about myself.


The rest of the day was eating disordered. I did a horrible job with my meal plan and even used behaviors more than once. I'm not proud of it and I definitely don't want it to become a pattern. I did much better today. I squeezed in lunch before work, even though I could've easily skipped it and I promptly ate my dinner after work. Being sucked into the eating disorder IS an option, but not one I can afford right now for many reasons. 

Sex, Emotions & the Minister

What's up with all of this reckless behavior?


I feel horrible. I'm doing all of this negative stuff to myself and to my body and its beginning to take its toll on my heart. 


First, it was cutting last week. And that affected me because it had been months and months since the last time I did that. My "cutless" streak died. Then, its reckless behavior with the male species. That never is good for a lady's heart. Karen once told me something that made a lot of sense to me. She said, "Kelly, God created sex. It truly is a beautiful thing when it's with the right person at the right time. But, He meant it to be between 2 soul mates because He knew that a woman's heart would be hurt if she had sex with someone who wasn't her soul mate. He did this to protect our hearts as women." I liked that. However, in the heat of the moment, who wants to explain that to a fella? He would probably just laugh and do his thing anyway. (Which is terrible, by the way). Lastly, the purging has resurfaced. I say this with the hardest time because I was so proud of myself for not doing it for months. Then one day, I couldn't help it. Lonliness, depression, sadness, everything just was overwhelming me. I couldn't function in my day without releasing all of this pressure building in my head. And since cutting led me to the Psych Ward, purging was my only option I felt like. 


Eating normally seems like such an impossible task, although I know its not. I did it last year. I was telling my Mom the other day that the happiest I have been in the 10 years in my eating disorder was the fall of 2010. I was eating my meal plan, had closeness with friends, was taking my medicine as prescribed, and fellas were OUT of the picture. Life was so easy then, at least it felt like. Was it all superficial? Was it so easy because I was in the comfortable arms of Canopy Cove? I don't know. But I'm not there anymore, so I need to adjust to where I am currently. 


In other news, I had a really interesting conversation with the Minister. Turns out he has bi-polar disorder! I guess I can kind of see it now because he always has such a hard time making up his mind and stuff. I haven't dealt with people with bi-polar in years but his mood swings aren't very bad at all. He said it was mild. I was just really happy that he opened up to me like that. I told him about my trip to the ER last week. I was hesitant, but he was very understanding. Plus, its his job to listen to people's troubles and help them through it. That's when he told me about his past, and the bi-polar. I still really like him and enjoy his company and conversation. We'll see what unfolds there...

Scars remind me that the past is real

[Please note: This post is somewhat graphic]


This past weekend was a nightmare! To say the least. It started out pretty bad. There were some events that I'd rather not delve into, but they had to do with the male species. I always seem to make mistakes when it comes to them. When will I get it right?! What is so wrong with me that no one thinks I'm special enough?


Anyway, Saturday night was a lot of fun. I went out to the bar with a few friends, and ran into more friends when I was out. I literally only had 1.5 drinks, so no major drunken decisions were made. I shook my new booty and that is always fun. 


Then Sunday showed up.


Sunday morning wasn't so bad; I had a nice phone conversation with my Mom and sister. I even got to chat with my nephew! But a few hours after I got off the phone the feelings started to flood me again. This time, more powerful than any recent times. I got the image of cutting in my head and although I remembered the contract I made with my therapist, I easily talked myself out of calling her for help. 


You know that feeling that you literally cannot get anything done, even getting up off the bathroom floor, without cutting first? Well I got that feeling. I literally couldn't even brush my hair because I knew I had to cut to accomplish anything. Once I had that thought in my head, it does not go away.


So I cut. And cut. And cut. Basically all up and down my arm. I felt defeated and devastated, but FINALLY I cried and cried and cried. It felt so good to cry. I had not cried in a very long time and something about the cutting just let the tears flow. For a while I didn't even clean up my arm. I just watched it bleed, and watching the blood pour away was like watching my emotions leave my body. 


Although I had no intentions of killing myself, I was still home alone (my roommate had left for the weekend). I was scared! I was scared I would let something else happen to me. So, I got in my car and drove to the Emergency Room- which ended up being the best worst decision ever.


They got me right into a desolate room surrounded by security guards. After being there for several hours, the social worker came in and said, "The doctor said since you were trying to kill yourself, we have decided to Baker Act you." 


"WHAT?!" I yelled. I wanted to say, if I was trying to kill myself, I would NOT have done it this way!! But I didn't. Instead I just tried to brace myself for what was about to happen in the next 72 hours. 


Oh, and since they had no beds in the Unit I was supposed to be in, they stuck me in the "acute" unit. (Which is a nice way of saying Extremely-Crazy-Person Unit) It's for people that are schizophrenic and for people that have gone completely off their medications. After a nightmarish night and half a day there, they transferred me to a more stable unit. One where I could actually have conversations with people. 


I ended up getting out of the hospital Tuesday morning. I think its because I had a session with my therapist scheduled that day at 3pm. But either way, I was glad to get out of there. Needless to say it was nice to get out of the dress and undies I was wearing since Sunday!  


Before all of this happened, I could've easily told you I was depressed, sad, and lonely. But I could not have told you I was going to end up in the hospital because of it. Even my Dad, who I talk to everyday, said to my Mom he didn't expect this. It just goes to show you how reckless and terrible the eating disorder and depression can be. 


Now, I say it was the best worst decision I ever made going to the hospital, but I want you all to know the eating disorder thought it was the worst decision. It is important that if you ever have any self-harming thoughts, that's very serious and it is extremely responsible and important of you to take action and get help.