Despite shades of grey, we'll all turn out okay.

Boy, do I have a lot to fill all my faithful followers in on.

Last time I posted, I was in a quandry with E. Well this was suddenly solved that night when he called me at 1am and voiced that he doesn't want to keep me from my ultimate dream of becoming a mother. Still, over 10 days later, it's still a touchy subject to talk about. It still makes me sad. He also said that night that as much as we like each other, he doesn't think we are compatible, because of our difference in wanting or not wanting babies. So, we ended it. I like to say "ended it" because it doesn't sound as harsh as "we broke up". But either way, it's painful, despite only being together for a short amount of time.

I had cut earlier that evening. I think my anxiety and depression got the best of me. I was anxious because I always NEED answers. And I didn't have any answers from him for several hours. I was alone, again, with my thoughts. The recent depression didn't help the situation either. As you know, I have been just miserable lately. The eating disorder had been out of control and I was just spiraling downhill in alot of ways; my grades were dropping, my eating was in shambles, and I just felt so lonely.

After a few hours of crying and horrible, self-setructive thoughts post-conversation with E at 1am, I went to sleep. I woke up early to take a stupid timed-writing final for my English class. Yes, I was surprised I actually made it too. I was in no state to take a final, let alone drive. I was literally a hot mess.

I came back from the final around lunch time. (Note: No food had been consumed for 2 days), but I was too depressed to even think about eating. The self-hatred thoughts still were overwhelming my mind to a scary, uncontained, extreme point. I knew what I should do, call for help. But there was a constant battle in my mind whether I should "give in" and call, or "just do it already" (you know what I mean).

It might not have felt like it at the moment, but God was with me...I called Canopy Cove.

Within an hour, Amanda came to my apartment and got me. I was having to call Danielle every 10 minutes so she would know I was okay. Finally, I thought,  maybe there's hope I won't feel like this forever. Knowing someone was on their way to help me relieved my mind and soul.

So that Thursday marked my stay in Residential. I was there for 5 days, and although that seems like a very short amount of time, it was well spent and necessary. It got me back on track with a meal plan and it helped rid my suicidal thoughts. The first few days I could not stop crying. Crying because of E. Crying because of the food. Crying because of my weakness for making such a regression. Crying because it's the holidays. Crying because of everything.

But I was luckily surrounded by loving and supportive staff and clients who eased me through it, like they always do and always will.

I was discharged a week ago today becasue my cousin Molly came to Tallahassee to visit me. I am so blessed that she came to see me. She stayed until Friday and although I had to go to Canopy Cove everyday she was here from 8am-2pm, she remained supportive and there for me. We had such an excellent time. She made me laugh until I almost peed my pants. We met some pretty interesting folks! And eating with her went smoother than expected.

I always like to take note of how "non-eating disordered people" eat. Have you ever done that? they eat so naturally. They eat what they want. When they want. How they want to. When her and I went to the grocery store she didn't even look at calories or the label, she just picked out what looked good. Perhaps I'll eat like her someday.

She left Friday. Friday night was difficult. I no longer had anymore accountability. Luckily, I was asked to come to Canopy Cove Residential on Saturday (Christmas Eve) and Sunday (Christmas). Saturday was actually pretty fun. We went to Walmart and picked up some knitting necessities and then went to a movie with Karen, in an actual theater! Sunday morning I got to Skype with my Mom, Sister, her husband, and my 2 nephews. It made my Christmas so much better. For a second I actually felt like I was back home; where I craved so badly to be for Christmas. As stressful as it is being home, all I really wanted for Christmas was a big hug from my family. Maybe next year. After that, I went to Canopy Cove again and spent the entire day there. We watched Christmas movies and opened gifts from the staff and our Secret Santa. We also were able to cook our own Christmas dinner with Ashlee.

I'm working all this week from 8:30am-5:30pm at the preschool. Danielle wants me to come in to Canopy Cove Residential from 6-9pm everyday this week. Boy, will it be a busy week. I'm sure I'll be exhausted. But I feel alot of pressure being taken off from me because I won't have to stress so much over the eating part. I don't have a choice when I'm in program: I have to eat there. And even though there won't be any individual sessions after 6pm, it will still be beneficial to be around supportive people, especially with meals. We all know night time is my time of destruction.

All in all, I'm doing much better now. I'm no longer having those awful suicidal thoughts. My eating disorder thoughts have drastically declined. Although, they still occasionally have their way with me. Thoughts of cutting still pop up once in a while, but since that Wednesday night, none of those thoughts have worked.

I'm hoping all of you had the holiday season that you wished for. This is late, but just remember the real thing we are celebrating: the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Without Him, where would you be in your life journey? It's a deep question to think about, but one we should always try to have in the back of our minds. I know I wouldn't be here today. Too many times, I was saved by His greatness and love.

Alone in a Room Full of People

I'm sitting here at Starbucks, like always. It's better that I'm here, around people, than alone at home. I can't handle being home all by myself right now. Alone with my destructive thoughts is not a good idea. I've been having really awful thoughts lately. I wouldn't say suicidal thoughts, just self-harm thoughts. Yesterday and today my urges to self harm have been out the roof. Pretty much the only thing that is keeping me from doing it is how when E saw my scars on my wrist he said if I ever did it again he would be mad. And having ANYONE be mad at me is not okay.

My eating has not been okay either. On Monday I went into Canopy Cove and had a productive session with Ashlee. She gave me a new yellow card with a brand new meal plan on it. It's not as much as my body requires, but she said that it's better than what my current eating pattern looks like. I feel like its a huge set back. Isn't the ultimate goal to be off a meal plan? I was doing okay with eating what I felt like, but I know lately everything is messed up.

Recovery is hard work. I don't care what anyone says. It's by far the hardest thing I have ever been through. I want recovery, ultimately. But I don't want it this very minute. I want to shrivel up with just me and my security blanket of anorexia and be alone. I'm just so unmotivated.

I've heard multiple times that what it takes for someone to come out of an eating disorder, is for the person to replace the eating disorder with something just as sufficient and supplying as the eating disorder was. Whether that be God, a new love interest, a passion, etc... SO WHERE'S MY REPLACEMENT??!! Or how do I go find one? I'm sure it's not that simple, as substituting something for an eating disorder, but I'd like to think it's possible.

I'm supposed to go to Georgia to visit the boyfriend this Saturday. We'll see if that happens. He's been giving me the cold shoulder lately. I talked to him the other day about it and he said he likes me alot but he doesn't want to keep me from being a mother. Which I guess is mature and nice of him. I think deep down I'm just hoping that he'll change his mind someday about kids. So in the meantime, what do I do? Continue dating someone that never wants babies? Or end things before my heart gets too invested?

Baby Love

There was an addition to my saddness and disappointment last night.

My mood has continuously been blah, so I was looking forward to Skyping with E last night. It is pretty much the highlight of my day lately. Things were going well and then he told me that he was thinking about kids during the day. Then he told me that during dinner there were 2 obnoxious children being loud and it really annoyed him. Then my day just went flat; he said that he doesn't think he wants children. At all.

Now, at first I didn't think anything of it because I thought Well, maybe he doesn't want kids now, but later on in his life he might. Nope. He said that the longer he waits the less he wants them. He said, "I guess that's kind of a deal breaker, huh?"

Doesn't that sound like he's trying to break up? Yeah, I thought so too. So, of course, I got all emotional and started to cry a little bit. I also shut down completely. I told him I had to go but he said he wanted to hear what I had to say. After a little pushing from him I opened up. We continued to talk and he said he doesn't want to break up. He also said something that absolutely melted my heart. I asked him if he liked me as much as he used to and he goes "I like you more and more each day." Yay!

If you're thinking that I'm overreacting, you're wrong. Why would I want to "waste" time dating someone if there's absolutely no potential that I will marry them, and eventually have babies with them? I told E this, the reason I date (and why most people do) is to filter out who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And if I date someone long term and find out down the road that they don't want children, then it will be even harder to break things off. Makes perfect sense to me.

So, ultimately, we didn't solve the baby argument. I'm hoping that he won't completely disregard the idea of having children. I might ask him too, "If someday we fall deeply in love, what greater gift could you give me than a baby?"

Perhaps this is too serious too soon, but I'd rather know my mates true intentions before my heart gets seriously damaged down the road.

A Lonely Soul

If I had to describe my mood for about the past 2 weeks, it would be sad. Nothing more, nothing less. Not miserable, which is an upgrade from some stages in my life. But I'm just not happy.

Why am I sad?

I wish I could pinpoint why. First of all, winter and Christmas time is always a hard time for me. It's always been the time of year that I have relapsed and ended up back in the hospital. My grandmother died in November of 1996 and my grandpa died in December of 1997. My eating disorder started on December 23, 2003. And my Dad left on January 19, 2003. So winter just sucks.

Now you're probably thinking, just because it has sucked in the past, doesn't mean it has to suck now. And you're right. But that doesn't help. My eating disorder has been rearing it's ugly head into my life alot lately.

I'm genuinely lonely.

And I know I will be lonely for about the next month.

This week is my last week of classes, and then next week we have finals. Next weekend I'm travelling 6 hours up to Georgia to visit the boyfriend from the 17th through the 19th. Then on Monday the 19th, my cousin and one of my best friends is coming to visit me until Friday the 23rd. Sunday is Christmas. Then Tuesday through Friday I will be working all day at the preschool. So, I mean I'll be very busy. Hopefully some of this busy-ness will cure my lonliness.

I saw Dr. Jeter 2 days ago for a session. I told her about my sadness. I also asked if I could come to Canopy Cove on Christmas, just so I will be around other people. Who wants to spend Christmas all alone, locked up in an empty apartment? Not me. Plus, I could use the meal support while there. I'll see if I can go for lunch and snack. And today, my boss at the after school program invited me to her house for dinner on Christmas. She knew I was going to be alone for the holiday.

So, I mean, I have support. I have people. I have family. I have "acquaintances". And I have friends. They just are all elsewhere. Not close enough to easily reach out to. Or maybe they are accessible, I just don't have the motivation to reach out. I'm supposed to be the "recovered one", right? I'm not supposed to still have struggles or issues! I've been in freaking treatment for long enough. Geez. I feel like I'm supposed to be the strong one. But I'm not strong right now.

Boyfriend things are going well. I'm really excited and anxious to see him. He's as much of a support as he can be. He tells me that I can always talk to him if I need to. I NEED TO! But I don't want to be that needy, clingy, dramatic girlfriend type. I've had my share of those unhealthy relationships in the past. This one is new, mature and different.

He is in Washington DC for training for the Army right now. He'll be there until the 17th (when I see him). He calls me every night and last night he called me and I expected that we would Skype, considering we do like every night. He said he didn't want to and I totally took it like he was mad, or didn't want to see my ugly face, or was uninterested in me now. I took a risk while talking to him and said "Well it hurts my feelings that you don't want to Skype with me. It makes me feel like you don't want to see me." Then he said that he was just really tired and that he didn't want to move from his chair (typical lazy boy!). He also told me that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I know he doesn't. He's a good guy. But because of my zero self esteem and non-existant confidence, I find it almost impossible to not blame myself for every little thing.

I'm just tired and scared of losing everything. One of my closest friends has to move away. Malcom has a new girlfriend, so I never see or talk to him. E is 6 hours away. My family is like 239,128,982 miles away. I "lost" my eating disorder, which is still a good/ bad thing. I am scared of losing my support of Canopy Cove. I'm afraid of losing E, so that's why I think I'm so critical of my relationship with him.

And just a word of advice: if you're in the mood to cry, listen to "I'll Be Home For Christmas".