"I came here to talk, I hope you understand"

This morning was my individual session with Dr. Brogdon. It went alot better than I figured it would. I was really happy to see her. Shes such a caring, loving woman who really knows her stuff!

First we discussed my medication situation. I'm supposed to be on Abilify, Effexor, and Buspar. But to be honest, I've really been bad at taking my medication. It's been like over a week since I've taken any. I told her this and she said I really need to start taking them again. I have pretty legit reasons why I'm not taking them, but I guess the reasons why I should be taking them are alot more legit, right?

She said that my seratonin levels are still pretty messed up. And seratonin pretty much controls not only my mood, but also my appetite and things like my sleep. SLEEP! Lately, I have not been getting any at all. Typically going to bed at 4am and waking up natually at around 7am. It's so messed up. I try to sleep longer, but I'm just not tired during the day. Anyway, my point is that seratonin is a pretty crucial hormone, as well as estrogen. Therefore, the fact that my medication is hanging out in my cabinet and not in my tummy, means that all these things are altered. Like my stupid mood. I have been SO emotional lately. I would say it's typical PMS, but I have NEVER felt this emotional. I cried twice yesterday and got teary eyed when Carly and I were watching Friends and Phoebe got proposed to!

Goal #1: Take my medication again.

We also talked about relationships. Specifically with Malcom, since he's still my main squeeze right now (even though I'm not his). I confessed to her pretty much everything with him. Everything from my theory that he's perfect & flawless to cutting over an incident with him. We talked about how men differ from women drastically. We talked about how when he said to me "you're not my type" he might have been pointing the finger at me, but really, it's something to do with himself. (I wish I could fully believe that). She told me that if he's still willing to cuddle and stuff, then there must be something there. I just don't know anymore. She suggested that I find flaws in him, or at least one flaw.

Goal #2: Find at least 1 flaw in Malcom.

So that was my appointment. She wants me to come back next week. She doesn't want me to go more than a week without any therapy. I'm just still hoping that my insurance pulls through and will cover some more IOP. The only problem is how dang expensive it is. She's definitely worth it, but by no means am I well off financially. It's another big stress of mine.

Today has been a pretty unsuccessful day, as far as my recovery goes. I started going to the gym again. It feels great to go. Just to get my endorphins out there and physical activity is really good for you. The only problem is I can't tell whether or not the eating disorder wants me to work out, or if it's just a healthy way to de-stress or whatever. I am able to limit myself. I go for 45 minutes at most, and don't over work myself at all. I would much rather get a work out by doing something like playing tennis or basketball, but that doesn't always happen. But the whole time I'm thinking How will this help improve my body? What can I do next to burn more calories? But isn't that what all those gym-rats think? I'm not sure.

I ate today, but didn't meet my requirements at all. I just wasn't hungry. I couldn't do it. (Note the statement above about my decreased appetite). I didn't have urges to purge, which is a huge victory. It seems, however, that it's one or the other. Under eat? Or eat and use behaviors? It's like a lose-lose situation. I'm not 100% discouraged however, because I am able to have days where I don't use behaviors, and that I'm able to distinguish healthy vs. unhealthy thoughts. Not to mention that it's been over a month since I've last cut.

That's another thing Dr. Brogdon talked to me about. She said people are either completely engulfed in their eating disorder (me, in July 2010) or they are "bothered" by the eating disorder, it just doesn't control their life (me, now). She had to reassure me that I WILL recover. I told her that I so often feel like I never will. But she said that research shows that the minimum amount of time for recovery to start to kick in is often 5 years. That sounds like a long time, but in the scheme of life, its not.

My Toolbelt of Life

I have bad news. This doesn't affect you so sorry if I am just venting here

Danielle called me and told me that Dr. Brogdon is NOT covered by my insurance. SO this means that I have to see some other random therapist in Tallahassee. I was really devestated. I mean, I made SO much progress with Dr. Jeter and the rest of the staff at Canopy Cove that I can't even imagine re-hashing everything that happened in my life to some new person. I actually do have a session with Dr. Brogdon on Monday. Danielle sugegsted that I see her in the meantime while my 2nd appeal is going through, and while they look for a therapist that my insurance will cover. I had to ask my parents for the money to pay for the visit with Dr. Brogdon, which I always HATE to do. I feel like at 23 I should be able to support myself financially, as well as emotionally. But I guess that it counts towards something that I'm making progress towards both.

My father has been reminding me again and again how this time would come. A time that my insurance would cut out and I would have to do this on my own. He's right. I've learned all the tools and now I can put my tools to use on my own.

Yesterday I made my schedule for the next 3 semesters. I'm actually super excited. I'll be able to graduate next fall and go straight into the Art History program at FSU. My plan is to get my undergraduate degree in Art History and then my Masters in Art Therapy. I'm somewhat nervous because I'll be a full-time student again. I haven't done that since I was a Fine Arts major at SUNY New Paltz. We all know how THAT turned out (and if you don't, I had to drop out of New Paltz and became very sick, a few hospitals, etc...). I obviously won't be in IOP at Canopy Cove, so I guess I'll have more time for school. I just hope I don't get overwhelmed and have to drop out again. That would send all my goals down the drain.

But I have the tools now. I didn't before.

If you have read my blog right before this, I'm sure you're wondering how my little date went. It actually went pretty well. We got along good and he's been texting and calling me since then. (Which is an upgrade from some people I've dated). He took me out to dinner and invited me over to watch some football. The only problems are that (a) he isn't religious and (b) he's pretty pushy in the physical activity department. I know I'm not going to marry this guy because the religion thing is a deal breaker and being pushy is a BAD sign. But I guess it's okay to go out on some dates and just have fun. I mean, I am a college student. I won't ever find my perfect match by sitting home alone. I need to get out and do things, and as long as I'm protecting my heart, then there is no harm. And with him, I HAVE protected my heart. It's just that other fella who I still absolutely adore. Gah! Boys!

My eating disorder has been very bi-polar lately. The other day I did excellent. I ate all my meals and I stayed busy afterwards. But today has just been horrible. Behaviors really snuck in and the only real good job I did today was dinner because Malcom, his friend and I went to Panera. (Where we happily visited Carly!) Anyway, tomorrow IS a new day, right?

And I DO have those tools to recover!

For me, it isn't over

Karen called me yesterday at 5:03pm. That's something I like about Canopy Cove; they always work overtime. Anyway, she called me to let me know that my insurance wants to drop me of my coverage of Canopy Cove. She said I have 4 options: Try to appeal, see Dr. Jeter (whom my insurance doesnt cover so it would be $160 per session), see Dr. Brogdon (whom my insurance DOES cover), or see another therapist in the community. Ugh! So many mixed emotions. Every other time I have been in treatment, I basically count down the days until my insurance bails on me. But today I feel in shambles.

I knew that at some point, my time at Canopy Cove would have to come to an end. But when will I EVER be ready to take off the training wheels of Canopy Cove and do everything on my own? I certainly don't feel like I am now. Behaviors are still a weekly thing, not to mention the awful thoughts that still dance in my head.

As for my options, I told Karen to try to appeal. I do still benefit from the meals together and the groups, and obviously the individual therapy with Dr. Jeter. I love Dr. Brogdon, but I haven't had an individual with her in over a year! And I have a connection with Dr. Jeter. She knows me in and out. She knows all my flaws and weaknesses. She knows about Malcom. She knows about my family. And sure, Dr. Brogdon knows all of this too, but no one could replace Dr. Jeter. If I am unable to get my appeal, then I will see Dr. Brogdon for individual because she is still a part of Canopy Cove. I wouldn't have to re-live all my stories and such like I would if I had to see another therapist in the community.

As for other news, school is a big pain in the butt. I asked one of my professors for an extension on a paper because I was unable to get it done over the weekend. It was in fact a stressful weekend. One of my closest friends was struggling alot and because I love her so much, I wanted to be there for her. She's doing better now, after lots of prayers! =)

Boy news is stagnant. Malcom came over the other night. I was kind of a weird, actually. He finally Facebook friended me! Only problem is, I have a few pictures up from when I was very sick. He now knows about the eating disorder, which he actually took pretty well. But I told him, "I don't want you to see me from when I was really sick". So he goes, "Well, we're friends now so I'm going to see them anyway". (Typical stubborn guy). So, I showed him and he says, "Oh my goodness! That's crazy! I hate it when people do that to themselves because I've seen too many people get sick from NOT doing anything to themselves."

It makes sense. He has a family history of cancer and he's lost some loved ones from it. He kept asking why I "did this to myself". And I couldn't really give him a good answer. So I kinda just let it go. And the next day I sent him a link to a really good website, http://www.something-fishy.org/ . He later thanked me for it and apologized for seeming mean.
WHY IS HE SO AMAZING?!!! And why can't I be his freaking "type"?

There's this other dude that I met the other day at Starbucks. He randomly came up to me and asked if I had an iPhone. I told him I did, and he went to show me this pretty neat app that HE invented. I was impressed and he seemed nice, so I gave him my number when he asked. He called me today and I might meet up with him later. I'm sure if he's a winner, I'll report back.

And so the title of this blog IS relevant. Nothing is over. Not for me at least. Not my time at Canopy Cove, not my adoration for Malcom, not my search for a perfect match. I guess the question is: Will any of this ever be over?

Stuck Like Glue

I suppose an update is in order.

I talked to a friend yesterday about this, and it actually really applies to me right now. I just feel like I'm stuck in life, in my eating disorder life, in my work life, in my school life, just in every aspect of my life. I'm not doing anything spectacular and I'm not 100% satisfied with where I'm at in my life.

Dr. Jeter always asks me, "Is this how you expected recovery to be like? Did you think it would be better or worse? More or less fulfilling?" I guess when I was sick, I had this vision of my "recovered life". It was a perfect world. I would have a boyfriend. I'd be getting A's all the time. I would work a full time job and not need my parents financially anymore. I would easily eat anywhere, anything. Etc...

But right now? "recovered life" (Or should I say "recovering life") is just plain sad. Does that mean I'm not recovered? Probably. I still have urges, thoughts, behaviors. But I feel like it should be alot more satisfying than it is.

I've been struggling with this eating disorder for almost a decade. And I've been receiving treatment for just about that long also (whether it be therapy, partial programs, medication, inpatient facilities). I know I've mentioned this before in my blog, but I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE DONE WITH THIS!!! Shouldn't I be better by now? I just celebrated my 23rd birthday and I just feel like such a failure. A majority of my friends are already in graduate school, when my sister was this age, she already was married and had a baby, and then there's me: the girl who is just sagging behind everyone in life, can't get her act together and STILL struggles with behaviors after nearly 10 years of treatment. I wonder if other people think the same thing about me. Why can't she just finish school? Why can't she just eat? Why can't she just STAY at a healthy weight? Why can't she just be happy?

So when it comes to Dr. Jeter's question, the answer is "No". This is NOT what I expected recovering life to be like. I expected a much more utopic, flawless life.

As for everything else going on in my life, well, its pretty much at a standstill. Nothings getting better, and nothings getting worse. Malcom is still in the picture. Although my heart is eagerly attatching to him, without anything in return. My head knows what I keep getting myself into with him, but my heart just longs for anything. I think that a man's lack of complexity makes them even more confusing to women. We over-analyze everything, and make everything into drama that doesn't call for it. But we're women- we nurture and long for love. So, of course, my heart is attatched to the guy. He has shown me affection. At one time. And I'm just yearning for that affection once again. Ohhhh boys.....

My eating patterns are all messed up. I met with Ashlee about 2 weeks ago to try to straighten them out, and thats helped some. Can I use the excuses of late nights, work and school to not follow a schedule? Healthy thoughts say no, but my eating disorder likes to say yes.

50 Reasons Why I Hate Eating Disorders

Sometimes I need a list of reasons why to HATE the eating disorder, especially when loving it seems so easy. I hope this helps.


1) They can KILL you.
2) There's nothing attractive about pertruding ribs/ collar bones/ hip bones/ bones in general.
3) Being freezing cold in the summer isn't fun.
4) It's embarrassing to carry around a cushion in case you sit somewhere hard. Butts have fat on them for a reason.
5) Your parents shouldn't have to feed you at age 21.
6) Baggy clothes aren't fashionable.
7) Buying clothes in the "little girls" section might be necessary to wear something that fits you, but it's embarrassing when you're 21.
8) Try not being able to concentrate on anything besides weight, numbers and calories during a test for school.
9) It's inconvenient to carry around a tablespoon of milk to put in your coffee when you go out to Starbucks just because you know EXACTLY how many calories are in it.
10) You might have "friends" but you don't see them. EVER....
11) ....the only people you DO see are doctors, therapists and dieticians.
12) It's costly to buy organic/ single serve portions/ diet foods/ fat free things.
13) Losing your period may be nice...until you realize it might make you unable to have babies.
14) Getting a lymph node removed and biopsied because they stick out so much is painful.
15) You are embarrassed to smile because you don't have any fat in your cheeks so when you smile you just have "old lady" lines.
16) Forget cleaning up or rearranging the furniture in your room. Your Mother and Father will tell you not to because you may burn too many calories.
17) Being late to class because you have to take the elevator because you literally have no muscle to walk up stairs isn't fun.
18) The only leisure reading you will do will be fat grams, DV% of fiber, sodium content and ingredients in food.
19) Playing sports? Forget it. You now have osteoporosis.
20) Boys aren't attracted to you. You look like a 12 year old.
21) You can count on one hand how many days you haven't cried in the past 2 years.
22) People question why you have a handicap tag.
23) Babysitting your nephew is out of the question because you don't have enough strength to pick him up if he were to fall.
24) Cashiers and shoppers stare when you spend 2 hours in the grocery store and don't buy anything.
25) Women aren't supposed to lose their hair in handfuls.
26) Wearing long spandex under your jeans in the Spring makes it difficult to pee.
27) Going to a urologist because your bladder muscles have deteriorated isn't supposed to happen when you're 21.
28) Having a car in your driveway that you can no longer drive is just a tease.
29) Holidays are a nightmare to even think about. Thanksgiving is like D-Day. And you'll feel bad your family can't celebrate because you won't.
30) Lanugo is just plain ugly.
31) Hauling a wheelchair around for you is inconvenient for your parents.
32) What sex drive?
33) Even the comfiest bed won't do. You'll have to buy extra padding to support your bones.
34) School might have to be put on hold, which means you won't graduate with your friends.
35) Eating a meal can take several hours.
36) Eating in front of people will be a huge fear.
37) You will assume everyone is judging you. And they probably are.
38) Death or eating seem like your only 2 options. There are times when you'll want to pick death.
39) You will be afraid that if you let your therapist read your journal, they might stick you in a psychiatric ward.
40) Family members will NEVER stop saying how much they want you to get help. And the more they say it, the more you put it off.
41) Eating disorders are competitive.
42) If you're not a "hat person", it sucks to find one that will cover up your balding spots.
43) Not working a job may seem nice, but its not when you're 21 years old.
44) People WILL talk about weight, calories, sizes, and when they do you will compare yourself to them.
45) You won't be happy unless you're the skinniest in a room at any given time.
46) Dehydration causes headaches.
47) You will feel bad when you're parents have to adjust their work hours to accomodate you and your eating schedule or "bad days".
48) No one wants a sister/ friend/ daughter that seems to be possessed by a demon.
49) Vacations? Ha! You might not go on one for years. Which makes your family miss out too.
50) It's difficult to shower sitting down, but you have to so you don't burn too many calories.

The list will be never-ending. You tell me some other reasons....