Now & Then

I know I haven't said much through my blog, but I'm really going to put an effort into writing more. We might not literally all know each other personally, but I truly feel like all of us suffering from an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, we all know each other. Like, know each other's hearts. Know each other's beauty. Know each other's pain. And we know each other's potential.

Because, also, we all know that we don't see the potential in ourselves most of the time.

With that being said, I'm going to try to write this blog post as a way to get myself out of this little funk I'm in right now. I've always been a believer in "Fake it til you make it". It CAN work. So, maybe if I write a really hopeful blog post, it will help me make it?

In general, I am much happier now than I have been in a very long time. Well, maybe not entirely HAPPY, but definitely content. Probably even since before my eating disorder started in 2003. I mean, I've certainly had happy moments, but on a day-to-day basis, it has been a long time. 

In April, I got out of a really unhealthy relationship. (Get this: I met him in the Behavioral Unit when I was in there for an overdose from an event that happened with ANOTHER unhealthy relationship before him. Crazy, I know). Throughout the relationship, I was not using healthy behaviors. I think I was doing it to get some kind of response out of him- because he was a VERY unemotional person. I felt invalidated by him and used the eating disorder and self harm to try to receive some validation from him. It didn't work in the long run. It never does. 

Also, I had previously not been doing well financially. That definitely takes a toll on EVERYTHING. I had (and still have) a steady job, but I guess I just was not spending wisely.

I was drinking often, meeting men...wait no, assholes. And just making reckless decisions in general.

I did not have close girlfriends. None of my "friends" in Tallahassee knew about my past. And I truly feel that in order to be close to me and to really know me, they had to know what I've been through most of my life. But I wasn't going to spill everything to anyone that walked by.

I also distanced myself from God and any fellowship.

Fast forward to now:

I'm in a great relationship with an awesome guy. It is long distance, but we've figured out that it works for us. I can focus on work, school, getting 100% healthy, relationships with girlfriends. And he can do his thing. But then, the time that we DO have together- is AMAZING! He validates me, and thinks (and tells me) I'm beautiful.

I have the same job, but I'm managing my money better. I'm working more hours, and even taking up as many babysitting jobs as I can to earn my spending cash.

I rarely drink now. If I do, it always with girlfriends.

And, yes, girlfriends. I waited until I trusted a few close girls from work who I've known for a while and opened up to them. It resulted in some besties!

I've also joined a Community Group through my church and attend mass as often as I can. I figured out that I love the fellowship I get through one church, but appreciate the peace and sanctity of Catholic mass.

I know its hard in the midst of depression to get out of your body and look at your life non-objectively to see what the heck is going wrong. But its SO important. And, like for me, even though I'm doing much better now, I still have days like today that I'm just like "SHIT I HATE MY LIFE". But reminding myself WHERE I've already been (and don't want to go back to), and WHERE I've come is so worth it in this fight.

And if you don't like how something is going, freakin' change it! NO ONE ELSE is going to change it for you. 

Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones...

Today was a day filled with bittersweet news. And by bittersweet, I mean that it was "bitter" for my eating disorder, and "sweet" for healthy Kelly. 

Four years ago, when I was 21 years old, I had my first Dexa-scan (or bone density scan). Although my anorexia had been alive for seven years, I figured that this was just protocol for any eating disorder patient. When the results came back to me, I was shocked- I had osteoporosis at the age of 21.

I was devastated. OSTEOPOROSIS IS AN OLD WOMAN DISEASE!!!!, I thought to myself. From what I had researched after my new diagnosis, osteoporosis is permanent-I cannot reverse it. I imagined myself being a hunched over woman, walking with a cane-at my college graduation! I was referred to a endocrinologist who actually gave me some good news. He told me that, yes, for older women who had gone through menopause, osteoporosis is irreversible. However, I (being 21) had until I turned 30 to reverse it. At that point, I had amenorrhea (absence of menstrual cycle) for a few years. The doctor told me that if I can get my period back and start being healthy, I could reverse my innocent bones back to age-appropriate ones.

That happened in 2010. Now, in 2014, I went back for another Dexa-scan. I decided to get it done before my 26th birthday in October. My doctor called me this morning and told me that my bones were back to normal. My osteoporosis has reversed. I will be standing straight and tall at my college graduation. 

Sounds wonderful, right? Right.

Then why do I have such mixed feelings?

I called both of my parents today to tell them the news. I knew that they would be so happy. And they were. I could hear my Dad smiling on the phone saying, "Oh Kelly, that's the best news!". My Mom, almost in tears, reminisced about how excited she was when the Endocrinologist said that my case of osteoporosis was reversible, and that she was so sad that her little girl had an old woman's disease.

But, honestly, I really had to fake my excitement. I realize that it is my eating disorder that is pissed off. I guess I feel like even though I am now at a healthy weight, sparingly partaking in eating disorder symptoms, and working on my unhealthy thoughts, the osteoporosis was one thing that kept me safe in my anorexic identity. I would proudly tell whoever asked about my eating disorder that I had osteoporosis. Having osteoporosis made me feel like I was such a successful anorexic. Not everyone that has an eating disorder has osteoporosis, but I did. Nowadays, when people find out about my eating disorder, they somewhat brush it off because "everyone has an eating disorder"*, but when I bring up the osteoporosis, suddenly their eyes widen and they understand how severe it was for me. 

Why do I want people to know that?

I think its because I worked SO hard for SO long to be sick. My anorexia molded my life, and put me where I am today. I think that people cannot know me until they know my past. And my past is mainly my eating disorder. 

So, as I sit here with my solid bones, I ask myself, what's the next piece of my eating disorder I have to let go and grieve over?









*False statement, but one that I hear often. By no means do I think everyone has an eating disorder. I just think that the general public is uneducated about eating disorders and misuse the term.

Things People with Eating Disorders Are Tired of Hearing

I am still alive, people! I have so much to update you all about, but first I wanted to post this list.

May you find comfort and smiles in this list. If we can't have humor, what can we have?



Things People with Eating Disorders are Tired of Hearing

1. "You don't LOOK like you have an eating disorder."

2. (After treatment) "Wow! You look so healthy now!"

3. "Why don't you just eat?"

4. "I'll take you to [insert fast food chain restaurant] and then you'll be cured!"

5. "You don't LIKE food (or like to eat)?"

6. "You're super skinny. I don't see why you want to be skinnier."

7. "If you're concerned about your weight, just work out at the gym."

8. "I wish I could have anorexia to lose a few pounds."

9. "Hey, since you're so good at it, how can I lose some weight? Like what methods do you recommend?"

10. "Men like a little meat on your bones."

11. "Are you expecting?" (This one applies to ANY woman, not just ED-ers)

12. "I'm going to open an eating disorder treatment center where I send all of you out in the wilderness with next to nothing. You'll be forced to eat to survive and then you'll learn to eat." (Yes, someone seriously said this to me!)

13. "Do you want me to cook you something? Anything? I'll make whatever you want!"

14. "OMG you make yourself vomit? How do you do it? Syrup of Ipecac?"

15. "Are you hungry?"

16. "You can wear WHATEVER you want."

17. (From a guy...or girl, depending on your preference) "Oh baby, I love that big ass [can be interchanged with boobs, thighs, hips] on you."

18. "You lost your period for a while? I am SOOOO jealous!"

19. "Why do you have an eating disorder?"





We hear a lot of strange/ uncomfortable things from other people regarding our eating disorders. Remember that most of these people are uneducated about them. Take what others say with a grain of salt.

Also remember that the WORST things we hear about our eating disorders are from our eating disorders themselves. 

Empire State of Mind

So I just returned to the Sunshine state after 2 weeks in New York. I am glad to be back, and in my regular schedule but I do miss my family and friends already. It was a successful trip, thank God! Behavior usage was minimized to a mere two times, as opposed to last year. Perhaps trips back home will become easier and easier until their not an issue at all anymore. 

I got to see a bunch of people this trip, which caused a lot of anxiety considering I have gained a hell of a load of weight since I have seen many of them. Most people just reacted with the typical "OMG, Kelly, you look beautiful (or great, or so healthy, etc...). One person saw me and goes, "Wow, Kelly, you look nice and husky." Um, what the heck is THAT supposed to mean? Seriously? That caused major anxiety and self-depreciation. 

Moving on, now I'm back in Tallahassee and all I can change is the future, not the past.

So theres a new fella since I last blogged. Nothing serious yet. We've been hanging out since early July. He's Venezuelan and his middle name is Rubio so I'll call him Rubes for confidentiality purposes. This is the story with Rubes: he just graduated and is looking for a job out of town, like far, far out of town (Tampa, Washington DC, Chicago, etc...). I met him through a different friend and we pretty much hang out often and stuff. But I tell ya, men are so confusing.  We had a mini "talk" and we agreed on not "doing stuff" with other people. But he doesn't want a relationship. This was like a month ago and I don't know, its just weird. I want to be with him exclusively, but he doesn't seem like the good boyfriend type, not to mention he's possibly leaving. Should I tell him how I feel? Or just continue being physically exclusive with him? Ahh decisions! 

Anyway, school is about to start and I know that can be a tough time for a lot of people in recovery. I know, for me, I get nervous and anxious about people I may meet and the social aspect of things. I want to remind all of you ladies and gentlemen that recovery and your wellness is your number one priority. All the rest will fall into place. Remember that there's so many other people that are just as nervous and anxious as you. If you're going away to school, make sure you set up a strong support network. Reach out for help! Counselors at schools are there to help you. Good luck and have fun!!

Is this it?

I'm in a miserable mood and all I can bring myself to do is blog about it. So here it goes...


I'm really homesick today. It's been a year since I've seen my family. I didn't even see them for Christmas! Flights from Florida to New York are a hell of an expense. I really want to just go home to New York and curl up in a ball and not worry about anything. But I already told work that I would be here until the end of July. Blah.


If I knew this is what recovery would look like, I would've stayed sick. At least then I was with people that loved me. Sure, they basically kept me alive, but AT LEAST I was surrounded with support. I feel like right now I have nothing. Nobody. No more Canopy Cove, no close friends, no family, NOTHING! Why am I here? Why am I doing this? This is too depressing and lonely to possibly survive in for much longer. 


My reasons for not cutting are no longer there. I have no more accountability, even with the food things. I haven't purged in a few weeks, which is a blessing. I've also branched out my variety issue and have incorporated new foods into my diet (diet meaning food regimen). But what is keeping me going? I'm not sure.


I don't know, however, if moving home permanently is the answer. I still consider it a toxic environment. When I was there last year, I didn't exactly respond to my surroundings in such a glorious way. The scars from my past there are still fresh. 


I guess I just don't know what to do anymore about anything. I have no answers, no guidance, no map. It would be fair to express my hopelessness right now. 


And, NO, I don't want to talk about Cooper. He was too good to be true.  

"I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us"

I'm happy to report that purging behaviors have been absent from my life for the past few weeks! Hooray! Of course its difficult, but everyday is a new day. And everyday without a behavior is a day closer to pure happiness.


I had a very strong urge to cut last week. I ended up going 3 days without my Abilify because I didn't get it filled in time and I couldn't pick it up because of work. I could really tell a difference when I went without it. If I have any advice for all of you- its to stay on your medication as prescribed! It makes such a big difference. Anyway, so I'll blame it on my inconsistent self-medication but my urges were very overwhelming. The only thing that got me through NOT doing it was the fact that I was going to see Cooper on the weekend, and I knew he'd be mad if he saw cuts. 


So I didn't end up seeing Cooper. We had such an exciting weekend planned! Jimmy Buffett concert, Six Flags, and a Yankee vs. Braves game. But none of that happened because he was having some family issues. We basically went the entire weekend with only exchanging a few texts and pretty much no phone calls. This made me sad. Why is he being like this? What did I do?! 


Well Sunday night I finally got a phone call. He had been really upset and I asked him if that's why he's been so distant lately. He told me it was. I guess that's normal for men to do- distance themselves when they're upset or depressed. Guys have never been known for talking about their emotions. He basically told me that he needed to get his life in order before he jumped into something serious with me. He said that he couldn't commit because he had issues that he wanted to situate first. 


Oh. My. Goodness.


Of course in my dysfunctional brain, this registered as WHAT is wrong with me?!!! I even asked him. I said, through salty, out of control tears,  "You always tell me how amazing I am and how perfect I am, then why don't you want me?" He calmly told me that it honestly had nothing to do with who I am, it was solely because he wanted to make himself a better person, and organize the problems in his life first. 


"But we can still be friends," he says.


Those words pierce me worse than getting your nipples pierced. "I have enough friends," I said, "I need to at least know that there is still hope that someday we can be together." He told me there's "always hope". Pssh. What a cliche answer. But I'll take it. 


Then this morning I got a phone call from him. Of course I was excited. I didn't show my excitement though. I waited like 5 rings before answering. Ha- take that, Cooper. 


I think I said this when I was with Malcom, but I can't be with someone else when my heart is invested in Cooper. So it's been hard these past few days. I have once again resorted to feeling desperately lonely. And loneliness is by far the worst feeling in the world. They even consider one of the cruelest forms of punishment solitary confinement. But that's another story.

Great Expectations

My main reason for this post is to try to organize my thoughts on my current situation without using other self-destructive behaviors.


Cooper and I spent the weekend together. It went great. We always have such a good time. Friday night he came to my apartment and we just snuggled and went to bed. Then Saturday, we got up and went to my favorite place in Tallahassee (Lake Ella). I then had a huge surprise for him. I planned to cook him his favorite meal, macaroni & cheese (which is a giant fear food- carbohydrates AND fats!). I was going to make it and eat it...with him...like a normal person. 


Before the meal, I feel like I may have restricted. I had a smoothie and a few coffees for the entire day up until 6ish. Then came the starchy, cheesy goodness. I was so nervous and I even admitted this to him before taking my first bite. He made it easy though. The whole time he was telling me how perfect everything was and how he wished he could get meals like this everyday. That made me feel really great, that he genuinely appreciated what I was doing for him. 


After dinner, I had planned to take him to salsa dancing lessons! But we ended up getting there late, so we just got some drinks and left. 


If you can't tell, let me tell you something: I really like this guy. I know I've said this before, but he's clearly different from every other fella I've dated. 


And since I can obviously tell that I'm ready to perhaps commit to him, and be exclusive to him, I decided to have the talk with him today. 


I brought it up subtly, casually texting "Have you changed your Facebook status yet?".


He responded, "No. Why?"


Then he got busy with work so we didn't talk again until about an hour ago when he called me on the phone. 


My point of view is simple. I just wanted to know whether or not we were exclusive or not, and if we were "boyfriend/ girlfriend". And, of course, if it was Facebook official.


Well, I should've known. Guys always make things more complicated than they should be.


He went into this long speech about how labels have expectations and he wants to continue just doing what we've been doing. Then I told him how its a completely fair question to ask if we are exclusive or not. 


I'm just so confused right now. I never know how to think or feel when something like this happens. It feels like complete rejection. Even though he didn't say anything about leaving me. I have thought for months that I'm finally ready to be in a relationship. But am I? How will I ever know? If I'm constantly doubting myself and my partner, will I ever succeed with a man?


Just so many unanswered questions. And I have to admit, I had thoughts of cutting. Serious thoughts. But then I thought to myself He's going to see me in 2 weeks and what if he sees my scars? He'll never want me then. Sure, it's not the best reason because it was for someone else. But it's a reason. And ANY reason to not cut is a good enough reason.