Today was a day filled with bittersweet news. And by bittersweet, I mean that it was "bitter" for my eating disorder, and "sweet" for healthy Kelly.
Four years ago, when I was 21 years old, I had my first Dexa-scan (or bone density scan). Although my anorexia had been alive for seven years, I figured that this was just protocol for any eating disorder patient. When the results came back to me, I was shocked- I had osteoporosis at the age of 21.
I was devastated. OSTEOPOROSIS IS AN OLD WOMAN DISEASE!!!!, I thought to myself. From what I had researched after my new diagnosis, osteoporosis is permanent-I cannot reverse it. I imagined myself being a hunched over woman, walking with a cane-at my college graduation! I was referred to a endocrinologist who actually gave me some good news. He told me that, yes, for older women who had gone through menopause, osteoporosis is irreversible. However, I (being 21) had until I turned 30 to reverse it. At that point, I had amenorrhea (absence of menstrual cycle) for a few years. The doctor told me that if I can get my period back and start being healthy, I could reverse my innocent bones back to age-appropriate ones.
That happened in 2010. Now, in 2014, I went back for another Dexa-scan. I decided to get it done before my 26th birthday in October. My doctor called me this morning and told me that my bones were back to normal. My osteoporosis has reversed. I will be standing straight and tall at my college graduation.
Sounds wonderful, right? Right.
Then why do I have such mixed feelings?
I called both of my parents today to tell them the news. I knew that they would be so happy. And they were. I could hear my Dad smiling on the phone saying, "Oh Kelly, that's the best news!". My Mom, almost in tears, reminisced about how excited she was when the Endocrinologist said that my case of osteoporosis was reversible, and that she was so sad that her little girl had an old woman's disease.
But, honestly, I really had to fake my excitement. I realize that it is my eating disorder that is pissed off. I guess I feel like even though I am now at a healthy weight, sparingly partaking in eating disorder symptoms, and working on my unhealthy thoughts, the osteoporosis was one thing that kept me safe in my anorexic identity. I would proudly tell whoever asked about my eating disorder that I had osteoporosis. Having osteoporosis made me feel like I was such a successful anorexic. Not everyone that has an eating disorder has osteoporosis, but I did. Nowadays, when people find out about my eating disorder, they somewhat brush it off because "everyone has an eating disorder"*, but when I bring up the osteoporosis, suddenly their eyes widen and they understand how severe it was for me.
Why do I want people to know that?
I think its because I worked SO hard for SO long to be sick. My anorexia molded my life, and put me where I am today. I think that people cannot know me until they know my past. And my past is mainly my eating disorder.
So, as I sit here with my solid bones, I ask myself, what's the next piece of my eating disorder I have to let go and grieve over?
*False statement, but one that I hear often. By no means do I think everyone has an eating disorder. I just think that the general public is uneducated about eating disorders and misuse the term.
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