Because, also, we all know that we don't see the potential in ourselves most of the time.
With that being said, I'm going to try to write this blog post as a way to get myself out of this little funk I'm in right now. I've always been a believer in "Fake it til you make it". It CAN work. So, maybe if I write a really hopeful blog post, it will help me make it?
In general, I am much happier now than I have been in a very long time. Well, maybe not entirely HAPPY, but definitely content. Probably even since before my eating disorder started in 2003. I mean, I've certainly had happy moments, but on a day-to-day basis, it has been a long time.
In April, I got out of a really unhealthy relationship. (Get this: I met him in the Behavioral Unit when I was in there for an overdose from an event that happened with ANOTHER unhealthy relationship before him. Crazy, I know). Throughout the relationship, I was not using healthy behaviors. I think I was doing it to get some kind of response out of him- because he was a VERY unemotional person. I felt invalidated by him and used the eating disorder and self harm to try to receive some validation from him. It didn't work in the long run. It never does.
Also, I had previously not been doing well financially. That definitely takes a toll on EVERYTHING. I had (and still have) a steady job, but I guess I just was not spending wisely.
I was drinking often, meeting men...wait no, assholes. And just making reckless decisions in general.
I did not have close girlfriends. None of my "friends" in Tallahassee knew about my past. And I truly feel that in order to be close to me and to really know me, they had to know what I've been through most of my life. But I wasn't going to spill everything to anyone that walked by.
I also distanced myself from God and any fellowship.
Fast forward to now:
I'm in a great relationship with an awesome guy. It is long distance, but we've figured out that it works for us. I can focus on work, school, getting 100% healthy, relationships with girlfriends. And he can do his thing. But then, the time that we DO have together- is AMAZING! He validates me, and thinks (and tells me) I'm beautiful.
I have the same job, but I'm managing my money better. I'm working more hours, and even taking up as many babysitting jobs as I can to earn my spending cash.
I rarely drink now. If I do, it always with girlfriends.
And, yes, girlfriends. I waited until I trusted a few close girls from work who I've known for a while and opened up to them. It resulted in some besties!
I've also joined a Community Group through my church and attend mass as often as I can. I figured out that I love the fellowship I get through one church, but appreciate the peace and sanctity of Catholic mass.
I know its hard in the midst of depression to get out of your body and look at your life non-objectively to see what the heck is going wrong. But its SO important. And, like for me, even though I'm doing much better now, I still have days like today that I'm just like "SHIT I HATE MY LIFE". But reminding myself WHERE I've already been (and don't want to go back to), and WHERE I've come is so worth it in this fight.
And if you don't like how something is going, freakin' change it! NO ONE ELSE is going to change it for you.
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