Now & Then

I know I haven't said much through my blog, but I'm really going to put an effort into writing more. We might not literally all know each other personally, but I truly feel like all of us suffering from an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, we all know each other. Like, know each other's hearts. Know each other's beauty. Know each other's pain. And we know each other's potential.

Because, also, we all know that we don't see the potential in ourselves most of the time.

With that being said, I'm going to try to write this blog post as a way to get myself out of this little funk I'm in right now. I've always been a believer in "Fake it til you make it". It CAN work. So, maybe if I write a really hopeful blog post, it will help me make it?

In general, I am much happier now than I have been in a very long time. Well, maybe not entirely HAPPY, but definitely content. Probably even since before my eating disorder started in 2003. I mean, I've certainly had happy moments, but on a day-to-day basis, it has been a long time. 

In April, I got out of a really unhealthy relationship. (Get this: I met him in the Behavioral Unit when I was in there for an overdose from an event that happened with ANOTHER unhealthy relationship before him. Crazy, I know). Throughout the relationship, I was not using healthy behaviors. I think I was doing it to get some kind of response out of him- because he was a VERY unemotional person. I felt invalidated by him and used the eating disorder and self harm to try to receive some validation from him. It didn't work in the long run. It never does. 

Also, I had previously not been doing well financially. That definitely takes a toll on EVERYTHING. I had (and still have) a steady job, but I guess I just was not spending wisely.

I was drinking often, meeting men...wait no, assholes. And just making reckless decisions in general.

I did not have close girlfriends. None of my "friends" in Tallahassee knew about my past. And I truly feel that in order to be close to me and to really know me, they had to know what I've been through most of my life. But I wasn't going to spill everything to anyone that walked by.

I also distanced myself from God and any fellowship.

Fast forward to now:

I'm in a great relationship with an awesome guy. It is long distance, but we've figured out that it works for us. I can focus on work, school, getting 100% healthy, relationships with girlfriends. And he can do his thing. But then, the time that we DO have together- is AMAZING! He validates me, and thinks (and tells me) I'm beautiful.

I have the same job, but I'm managing my money better. I'm working more hours, and even taking up as many babysitting jobs as I can to earn my spending cash.

I rarely drink now. If I do, it always with girlfriends.

And, yes, girlfriends. I waited until I trusted a few close girls from work who I've known for a while and opened up to them. It resulted in some besties!

I've also joined a Community Group through my church and attend mass as often as I can. I figured out that I love the fellowship I get through one church, but appreciate the peace and sanctity of Catholic mass.

I know its hard in the midst of depression to get out of your body and look at your life non-objectively to see what the heck is going wrong. But its SO important. And, like for me, even though I'm doing much better now, I still have days like today that I'm just like "SHIT I HATE MY LIFE". But reminding myself WHERE I've already been (and don't want to go back to), and WHERE I've come is so worth it in this fight.

And if you don't like how something is going, freakin' change it! NO ONE ELSE is going to change it for you. 

Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones...

Today was a day filled with bittersweet news. And by bittersweet, I mean that it was "bitter" for my eating disorder, and "sweet" for healthy Kelly. 

Four years ago, when I was 21 years old, I had my first Dexa-scan (or bone density scan). Although my anorexia had been alive for seven years, I figured that this was just protocol for any eating disorder patient. When the results came back to me, I was shocked- I had osteoporosis at the age of 21.

I was devastated. OSTEOPOROSIS IS AN OLD WOMAN DISEASE!!!!, I thought to myself. From what I had researched after my new diagnosis, osteoporosis is permanent-I cannot reverse it. I imagined myself being a hunched over woman, walking with a cane-at my college graduation! I was referred to a endocrinologist who actually gave me some good news. He told me that, yes, for older women who had gone through menopause, osteoporosis is irreversible. However, I (being 21) had until I turned 30 to reverse it. At that point, I had amenorrhea (absence of menstrual cycle) for a few years. The doctor told me that if I can get my period back and start being healthy, I could reverse my innocent bones back to age-appropriate ones.

That happened in 2010. Now, in 2014, I went back for another Dexa-scan. I decided to get it done before my 26th birthday in October. My doctor called me this morning and told me that my bones were back to normal. My osteoporosis has reversed. I will be standing straight and tall at my college graduation. 

Sounds wonderful, right? Right.

Then why do I have such mixed feelings?

I called both of my parents today to tell them the news. I knew that they would be so happy. And they were. I could hear my Dad smiling on the phone saying, "Oh Kelly, that's the best news!". My Mom, almost in tears, reminisced about how excited she was when the Endocrinologist said that my case of osteoporosis was reversible, and that she was so sad that her little girl had an old woman's disease.

But, honestly, I really had to fake my excitement. I realize that it is my eating disorder that is pissed off. I guess I feel like even though I am now at a healthy weight, sparingly partaking in eating disorder symptoms, and working on my unhealthy thoughts, the osteoporosis was one thing that kept me safe in my anorexic identity. I would proudly tell whoever asked about my eating disorder that I had osteoporosis. Having osteoporosis made me feel like I was such a successful anorexic. Not everyone that has an eating disorder has osteoporosis, but I did. Nowadays, when people find out about my eating disorder, they somewhat brush it off because "everyone has an eating disorder"*, but when I bring up the osteoporosis, suddenly their eyes widen and they understand how severe it was for me. 

Why do I want people to know that?

I think its because I worked SO hard for SO long to be sick. My anorexia molded my life, and put me where I am today. I think that people cannot know me until they know my past. And my past is mainly my eating disorder. 

So, as I sit here with my solid bones, I ask myself, what's the next piece of my eating disorder I have to let go and grieve over?









*False statement, but one that I hear often. By no means do I think everyone has an eating disorder. I just think that the general public is uneducated about eating disorders and misuse the term.