Is this it?

I'm in a miserable mood and all I can bring myself to do is blog about it. So here it goes...


I'm really homesick today. It's been a year since I've seen my family. I didn't even see them for Christmas! Flights from Florida to New York are a hell of an expense. I really want to just go home to New York and curl up in a ball and not worry about anything. But I already told work that I would be here until the end of July. Blah.


If I knew this is what recovery would look like, I would've stayed sick. At least then I was with people that loved me. Sure, they basically kept me alive, but AT LEAST I was surrounded with support. I feel like right now I have nothing. Nobody. No more Canopy Cove, no close friends, no family, NOTHING! Why am I here? Why am I doing this? This is too depressing and lonely to possibly survive in for much longer. 


My reasons for not cutting are no longer there. I have no more accountability, even with the food things. I haven't purged in a few weeks, which is a blessing. I've also branched out my variety issue and have incorporated new foods into my diet (diet meaning food regimen). But what is keeping me going? I'm not sure.


I don't know, however, if moving home permanently is the answer. I still consider it a toxic environment. When I was there last year, I didn't exactly respond to my surroundings in such a glorious way. The scars from my past there are still fresh. 


I guess I just don't know what to do anymore about anything. I have no answers, no guidance, no map. It would be fair to express my hopelessness right now. 


And, NO, I don't want to talk about Cooper. He was too good to be true.