"Of all the colors that you shine, this is surely not your best"

I wouldn't say this past week has been bad. But I wouldn't say it's been good either. I mean, nothing terrible has happened. I had a date Saturday night. (It wasn't with the Minister). It was a new guy. We went out for sushi (my default date setting) and then had drinks after. 


Can I just ask a question? 
Why are men so freaking complicated?! 


He was overall a jerk. But he was super attractive so I guess I played shallow for the night and hung out with him. Whatever, I don't care anymore. I'm starting not to care about anything anymore. Back to the point of not caring what I do to my body or what happens to it. Anyway, it was fun in a "this-is-the-only-time-we're-doing-this" kind of way. He even flat out told me, "I'm not going to be your boyfriend". Jerk. But I'm used to that by now. I guess I just have really low expectations of guys, and myself. My question above comes from a really messed up, lame point of view. He had too much to drink (of course), and he told me, "Someday you'll make a guy really happy. If my ex hadn't [explicit]ed me over last year, I would totally be falling in love with you right now."


Seriously? Is all I have to say and think.


I won't get into the rest of the important details because I'm sure you can assume what happened. 


In other news, my feelings of despair and overall loneliness are overwhelming. I feel like I don't have anything anymore. Or anybody. 


Sure, my church friends are great! And super nice and sweet and welcoming, but honestly, I feel like I'm too messed up and flawed to spend time with them. Like, if they really knew what I do, they wouldn't accept me. 


Even my dad the other day was like, "Don't you have any girl friends?"
Gee-thanks Dad. Tell me, father, where in the world am I supposed to go make new friends? Everyone either already is settled into their friend group, or something. I try, trust me, I try to reach out to people as much as I can but something just keeps me from a true friendship. And that makes me sad.


Over the weekend, I had a lot of thoughts of cutting and a few thoughts of purging. I haven't cut since December and I haven't purged since February 5th. So, in that aspect, I'm doing pretty well. But the only thing keeping me from cutting was not wanting to go into work and have a bunch of 5 year olds ask "What happened to your arm, Miss. Kelly?"


I had a therapy session yesterday and after an hour of emotion, we decided I needed some accountability. So, I made a contract for this week only (until my next session) that I would not cut or purge, and if I got urges to do so, I would call her. 

"Kiss me beneath the milky twilight..."

Here's a follow up of my date with the Minister (in case you care):

We met in Alabama, which suprisingly is only like an hour and a half from me, but anyway...we met at this really cool art museum. I don't think he appreciated it as much as I did but whatever. It was still fun. Then we just drove around Dothan and chatted. Then he mentioned dinner. I always hate it when anyone asks, "Are you hungry?" or "Do you want to eat?". I don't think he, or anyone without an eating disorder, would understand if I ranted about how I still don't quite understand or rely on my hunger cues. So i didn't bother trying that. I just said, "if you're hungry then we can go eat somewhere." It seemed to work. So we ended up going to Ruby Tuesdays which was good. I ordered fish with zucchini and squash, and although I didn't eat all of it, I still ate probably the "recommended by Ashlee" 4 ounces. But eating in front of guys is still definitely an issue for me. I feel like its a major weakness on my part. Why can't I deny my hunger? Why can't I control these bodily urges and cues? I always used to be able to! Oh, and I used MAJOR rituals. I cut my zucchini into fourths and I even cut my spaghetti squash into sections. Then, of course, I had to start eating after he did and finish before he did, AND stop eating when he stopped eating. So many darn rituals!! But at least I ate something. That was my victory.

As far as things after that, they only got better. It was getting dark, so he grabbed a sleeping bag he had in his truck and we went to a local park. We then star gazed for a while in each others arms! So romantic! It made me so happy. And it made me happy too that I know he's a good person. Unlike a lot of the DBs I've dated. (If you don't know what DB is, ask me later). There was no kiss involved but I was okay with that. I asked him if I'd see him again and he said "yes".

So it was an excellent day with the Minister. Finally...a God fearing man!!!

You can't spell PRODUCTIVITY without "I DO IT"

Productivity is essential to be successful I've decided. Thankfully, I have been feeling productive lately. A few days ago I bought a sketchbook and pencils from Michael's. If you know me, then you would know that I love anything artsy. Well, all of my art supplies are in New York still from when I was going to art school. So this week, after years of not really following my artsy side, I broke out the sketchbook and started drawing. Since I bought it, I've been drawing every day. And this may seem like a simple "hobby" or whatever, but really, even if I do nothing all day (like if its a Saturday or Sunday), and I draw a sketch, I still feel accomplished. Productive. And productivity is the key to success.

In other news, I have still been seeing my new therapist, Dr. St. Hillier, once a week since my Canopy Cove stay ended. Suprisingly, the sessions are going well. Shes older than any of the therapists at Canopy Cove. She's very grandmotherly, and I like that. I thought it would be awkward to talk about guys and sex and stuff like that, but it isn't. She makes me feel really comfortable. Plus, she has two tiny pups that get to play with me during our sessions. Pet therapy rules!

The dating scene has actually been kind of active lately. Like yesterday for instance, I went to Starbucks (as usual) and this guy randomly started talking to me. We exchanged numbers or whatever and I met him today to walk at Lake Ella. He went to kiss me but I totally denied him. It felt good to be in charge of what happens. Thats something I never would have done years ago in high school. I didn't care what happened to my body or soul back then. I just got a very platonic vibe from him, which is fine. There's nothing wrong with friends. I think I just tend to lead guys on because I'm so friendly. Oops!

Plus, there's one guy in particular who currently has my attention. I hate saying this so soon but I think something could develop with him. I don't necessarily think this about every guy but with him it's different. Why? It's because he makes me want to be a better person. And because we have meaningful conversations. He asks me questions like "How do you picture God?" and "If you had a song to define your life, what would it be?". He gets me thinking, and I like that. Did I mention he's a minister?! I'll be sure to keep you all updated.

Eating.....

Ughh, do I really have to talk about it?

It's been the same. Day after day after day. Same thing for breakfast, and dinner. There's seldom a lunch involved. And when I do eat, I really rush through it because I don't want to be eating. I still can't get over the way it makes me feel- yet I'm still cautious about getting that "empty" feeling in my stomach. I know once I get the "empty" feeling, its near impossible to start back up on any type of meal plan.

So although eating has been stagnant, dating and my newly resurrected love for art have been keeping me hopeful and positive...and productive.