I saw a photograph...

Can we take a second and talk about pictures?

Pictures can be great. We use them to capture memories, and use them to look back and reflect on times that have passed. People can make a living off of photographing good times, and bad ones too. We can look at pictures from decades ago, and from seconds ago as well.

So then why and how can pictures be so destructive?

Quick story: Yesterday I was briefly looking through an old photo album from seven years ago that I have saved online. SEVEN years ago, only a few years after the onset of my eating disorder. I instantly became enraged at my current self, asking myself How did I let myself transform into this current state of a sloppy pig?!  I was FLAT in places that are now CURVY. I had BONES pertruding where now I have CUSHIONING. I had THICK HAIR where now, after years of malnutrition, I have BRITTLE and THIN HAIR. I was so mad at myself yesterday.

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time something like this has happened. My current self often gets jealous of my former self. Almost like, I know I can do that, I did it before. Somewhere in me I have the ability to be sick like that again. 

I avoided pictures at all costs in the time before my admission to Canopy Cove, but I couldn't escape all of them. Of course, their on Facebook (like everything else). And of course, I got all sorts of comments from all kinds of "friends". I knew they meant the best for me, but I honestly didn't want to hear it. I guess thats a different story though. Anyway, I still have those pictures on my Facebook. I could easily "untag" myself, or better yet, completely delete them. But something in me is stopping me. I need to keep them up. It's almost like I need to prove to myself and everyone else that I was sick and that I struggled, and that I possess the ability to "be the best anorexic around". That probably sounds horrible, but if you think about it, that was my "best" quality. And by "best", I mean my most used, abused and my main identity. If you had a best quality, wouldn't you want people to remember it?

I take a look at those sick pictures every once in a while. It's not a good idea. Every time I look at them, that jealous, enraged, and sad feeling comes over me. But, like I said, I just can't delete them.

If you're wondering what happened last night as a result of looking at my pictures from seven years ago, you'll be pleasantly suprised. I actually did some healthy reasoning in my head. Seven years ago? I was 16 years old. Of course I was flat and boney. I was just a teenager. Plus, I was in the midst of an eating disorder. Now? I'm 23 years old. I am a woman! With hopes of bearing babies. A woman needs CURVES, breasts, hips and a little jiggle to house a baby for 9 months. And, yes, my hair is brittle and thin, but with restoring my nutrition, my hair will grow back better. Not to mention, I'm in RECOVERY. A few extra pounds than what I'm used to won't kill me; the state I was in 2 years ago will.

So if I had to suggest anything about old photographs, it would be not to look at the physical parts of it. Don't dwell on how you looked ("good" or "bad"). Instead, think about HOW you were during that time. Was it a positive memory? Did you feel good about yourself then? If it was a sick picture, the answer is probably no. Who were you with in the picture? How did you feel during that exact moment in time?

Or you could always burn your old pictures.

Stomach-Bug Love (Graphic)

An eating disorder took another life. I didn't know her personally, but my friend Melissa did. Her name was Katie. Thats all I know about her. And that her stupid, selfish eating disorder took her life. It's just not fair. More people die from eating disorders than any other mental illness.

Please keep her and her family in your prayers.

On a much lighter note, today and yesterday has been really mentally and physically draining for me. I woke up yesterday and went to my history class, then directly to my science class. With my new schedule, I'm done with both of my classes by 12:50pm every Tuesday and Thursday. Anyway, after classes, I developed a killer headache so I decided to lay down. I didn't freakin wake up until like 7pm, where I had a little something to eat. I still had that headache so I went back to bed (yes it was an extremely unproductive day). Then around 12am I got up with a major stomach ache and started throwing up! Ughhh, great. I tried going back to bed but my headache, tummy ache, and extreme night sweats were making it impossible to sleep. Then, until morning, I was waking up about every 2 hours and throwing up. The throwing up bug.....NICE!

There is nothing fun about the throwing up bug...NOTHING! Then why on Earth does the eating disorder love it so much? I tell you why: it was a great excuse to restrict today. Who can argue with that? No ones going to tell you to eat when the past day you were puking everything you ate. The hardest part about the throwing up bug is getting out of the "throwing up bug rut". You know what I mean: When your stomach shrinks up because you have no appetite at all, but then everyone expects you to get right back on your regular meal plan, without easing your way into it or anything. When you get used to eating the BRAT diet, its hard to resort back to regular eating.

Eating Disorders are Confusing

Do you ever wake up and just feel miserable and extremely depressed for no apparent reason? Well this happened to me yesterday.

When I went to bed the night before, things were fine. And when I say "fine", I mean that they were manageable. I've been really turning to the eating disorder lately. Last week, I worked everyday, all day at the Preschool. I absolutely loved it. We were given one hour for lunch, where I easily could have eaten, but instead I took that hour to nap (hey, 3-year-olds are exhausting!). So work took up pretty much all of my week. The weekend was fine too. I have been spending time with this guy who I met when my cousin was here. He's going to school in Boone, North Carolina, so I'll call him Booner. Anyway, Booner, and a couple friends in Canopy Cove Partial and I went out for New Years which was so much fun. I was having a really good time. The next day we all went out to watch the Giants game.

All of these fun and exciting things have been going on.

So why on Earth did I wake up so freaking depressed yesterday?!

I woke up, had breakfast (ended up purging it for the first time in months). I hoped in the shower. Once I got in the shower, I started thinking. Those really awful thoughts started just rolling in and they would not stop. One thought really stuck out and kept replaying over and over in my mind:

I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE. I AM UNLOVEABLE.

Then the tears started. And they did not stop until about 6pm.

I was scheduled to go into work at noon. I didn't know what to do. Was I even capable to be working? I ended up calling in. Which makes me feel horrible. I hate calling in to work. It's like failure at doing your job. Anyway, after I called to work, I called Canopy Cove. I talked to Danielle and she told me to come into Partial where she would be able to squeeze me in a session with Dr. Jeter.

I went into program at around 12:30p. Just in time for lunch. Lucky me.

Just like whenever I'm feeling extremely depressed, eating was the last thing on my mind. And the last thing I wanted to do. But we all know Canopy Cove. They don't let your feelings stop you from eating. They don't play around.

Lunch was miserable. It took me an hour to get through one measly rice bowl type thing. Tons of eating disorder thoughts were running through my head. Ones that haven't been present lately. So that was surprising. Karen was sitting next to me trying to encourage me. She told me to take bigger bites. But I just couldn't. It was weird but I just HATED feeling the food in my mouth. I hated opening my mouth and I hated chewing. And I hated the feeling, texture, temperature and taste of everything being put in my body.

Where the heck did this come from?

Luckily, after lunch, I was distracted with groups. We did a long group on food rituals, which was actually really interesting. I know that back in my sickest days, my food rituals were out of control. But yesterday it was good to "take inventory" of which food rituals I still struggle with and which ones I've developed. Also, the ones I've gotten rid of!!!

Snack came, and that was also pretty eventful. Ashlee had me make some stuff up, since I told her I purged breakfast. That's always a pain. I had only brought food for lunch, so I had to resort to the "Extra" cabinet for snack. I went for the easy stuff: Wheat Thins, Craisins, and nuts. But when sitting down for snack, I had an extra hard time with the nuts. Why? Because they were delicious. My eating disorder hates me for admitting that, but I really enjoyed them and it made it nearly impossible to feed myself something that was tasty.

My eating disorder is confusing me. He likes to pull tricks out of his hat at the strangest times.

Finally, I got to have a session with Dr. Jeter. It had literally been since I was in Residential since I had an individual (close to a month). And, obviously, I desperately needed one. We talked about what has been happening lately in my life to try to figure out why today I was so miserable. What we came up with? My lonliness issue.......still.

I told her that I felt unloveable. She asked why and I told her because I don't have that close, true, best friend, or a boyfriend, or a companion. We talked about my "social history", like my high school and college friends, and how since I was so sick during those times, I never developed "proper social skills". She called it "social nervousness". It's true though. When I was at my deepest points in my eating disorder, I cared very little about relationships with people. I only cared about my relationship with my eating disorder. Dr. Jeter and I always talk about how it's almost like I skipped nearly a decade of my life. From the time I was 14, up until this past year, my life was non-existant, because it was an eating disordered life. And an eating disordered life is not a life, whatsoever.

One point that she made also really made me think:
There's no beating around the bush- God knows what He's doing. So then the question is, why would He put me through so much of this pain and lonliness? There must be an outcome that He has in store for me. And I'm eager to find out what this is. I always like to think of Him brewing me up a perfect mate and best friend. He's creating someone just for me! And much like a good wine, it may take a while to perfect it. Through all of my misery and pain, He's forcing me to love myself first, and I thank Him for that. Without loving myself first, how am I suppsed to ever think about loving someone else?


"We love him, because he loved us first." -John 4:19