I'm in a miserable mood and all I can bring myself to do is blog about it. So here it goes...
I'm really homesick today. It's been a year since I've seen my family. I didn't even see them for Christmas! Flights from Florida to New York are a hell of an expense. I really want to just go home to New York and curl up in a ball and not worry about anything. But I already told work that I would be here until the end of July. Blah.
If I knew this is what recovery would look like, I would've stayed sick. At least then I was with people that loved me. Sure, they basically kept me alive, but AT LEAST I was surrounded with support. I feel like right now I have nothing. Nobody. No more Canopy Cove, no close friends, no family, NOTHING! Why am I here? Why am I doing this? This is too depressing and lonely to possibly survive in for much longer.
My reasons for not cutting are no longer there. I have no more accountability, even with the food things. I haven't purged in a few weeks, which is a blessing. I've also branched out my variety issue and have incorporated new foods into my diet (diet meaning food regimen). But what is keeping me going? I'm not sure.
I don't know, however, if moving home permanently is the answer. I still consider it a toxic environment. When I was there last year, I didn't exactly respond to my surroundings in such a glorious way. The scars from my past there are still fresh.
I guess I just don't know what to do anymore about anything. I have no answers, no guidance, no map. It would be fair to express my hopelessness right now.
And, NO, I don't want to talk about Cooper. He was too good to be true.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
"I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us"
I'm happy to report that purging behaviors have been absent from my life for the past few weeks! Hooray! Of course its difficult, but everyday is a new day. And everyday without a behavior is a day closer to pure happiness.
I had a very strong urge to cut last week. I ended up going 3 days without my Abilify because I didn't get it filled in time and I couldn't pick it up because of work. I could really tell a difference when I went without it. If I have any advice for all of you- its to stay on your medication as prescribed! It makes such a big difference. Anyway, so I'll blame it on my inconsistent self-medication but my urges were very overwhelming. The only thing that got me through NOT doing it was the fact that I was going to see Cooper on the weekend, and I knew he'd be mad if he saw cuts.
So I didn't end up seeing Cooper. We had such an exciting weekend planned! Jimmy Buffett concert, Six Flags, and a Yankee vs. Braves game. But none of that happened because he was having some family issues. We basically went the entire weekend with only exchanging a few texts and pretty much no phone calls. This made me sad. Why is he being like this? What did I do?!
Well Sunday night I finally got a phone call. He had been really upset and I asked him if that's why he's been so distant lately. He told me it was. I guess that's normal for men to do- distance themselves when they're upset or depressed. Guys have never been known for talking about their emotions. He basically told me that he needed to get his life in order before he jumped into something serious with me. He said that he couldn't commit because he had issues that he wanted to situate first.
Oh. My. Goodness.
Of course in my dysfunctional brain, this registered as WHAT is wrong with me?!!! I even asked him. I said, through salty, out of control tears, "You always tell me how amazing I am and how perfect I am, then why don't you want me?" He calmly told me that it honestly had nothing to do with who I am, it was solely because he wanted to make himself a better person, and organize the problems in his life first.
"But we can still be friends," he says.
Those words pierce me worse than getting your nipples pierced. "I have enough friends," I said, "I need to at least know that there is still hope that someday we can be together." He told me there's "always hope". Pssh. What a cliche answer. But I'll take it.
Then this morning I got a phone call from him. Of course I was excited. I didn't show my excitement though. I waited like 5 rings before answering. Ha- take that, Cooper.
I think I said this when I was with Malcom, but I can't be with someone else when my heart is invested in Cooper. So it's been hard these past few days. I have once again resorted to feeling desperately lonely. And loneliness is by far the worst feeling in the world. They even consider one of the cruelest forms of punishment solitary confinement. But that's another story.
I had a very strong urge to cut last week. I ended up going 3 days without my Abilify because I didn't get it filled in time and I couldn't pick it up because of work. I could really tell a difference when I went without it. If I have any advice for all of you- its to stay on your medication as prescribed! It makes such a big difference. Anyway, so I'll blame it on my inconsistent self-medication but my urges were very overwhelming. The only thing that got me through NOT doing it was the fact that I was going to see Cooper on the weekend, and I knew he'd be mad if he saw cuts.
So I didn't end up seeing Cooper. We had such an exciting weekend planned! Jimmy Buffett concert, Six Flags, and a Yankee vs. Braves game. But none of that happened because he was having some family issues. We basically went the entire weekend with only exchanging a few texts and pretty much no phone calls. This made me sad. Why is he being like this? What did I do?!
Well Sunday night I finally got a phone call. He had been really upset and I asked him if that's why he's been so distant lately. He told me it was. I guess that's normal for men to do- distance themselves when they're upset or depressed. Guys have never been known for talking about their emotions. He basically told me that he needed to get his life in order before he jumped into something serious with me. He said that he couldn't commit because he had issues that he wanted to situate first.
Oh. My. Goodness.
Of course in my dysfunctional brain, this registered as WHAT is wrong with me?!!! I even asked him. I said, through salty, out of control tears, "You always tell me how amazing I am and how perfect I am, then why don't you want me?" He calmly told me that it honestly had nothing to do with who I am, it was solely because he wanted to make himself a better person, and organize the problems in his life first.
"But we can still be friends," he says.
Those words pierce me worse than getting your nipples pierced. "I have enough friends," I said, "I need to at least know that there is still hope that someday we can be together." He told me there's "always hope". Pssh. What a cliche answer. But I'll take it.
Then this morning I got a phone call from him. Of course I was excited. I didn't show my excitement though. I waited like 5 rings before answering. Ha- take that, Cooper.
I think I said this when I was with Malcom, but I can't be with someone else when my heart is invested in Cooper. So it's been hard these past few days. I have once again resorted to feeling desperately lonely. And loneliness is by far the worst feeling in the world. They even consider one of the cruelest forms of punishment solitary confinement. But that's another story.
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