I knew this day would come. I had been tempted with the fate before, but this time it's real, and I'm devestated.
I went into program yesterday, like any other Monday. I started to get my breakfast ready, and Karen walked over and casually said "Oh, by the way, your insurance told us no more." I knew what that meant. I didn't fret over it at that time because I figured she would appeal, like they have had to do the past 3 times insurance said that. But NO! Karen said, "We will spend our session looking for a local therapist and dietician online." What?!!
It was really hard to say goodbye. Mainly because I only was able to say goodbye to Karen. I sobbingly told her that I'll never forget Canopy Cove because they saved my life. I told her that all of them would forever be in my heart. Frankly, though, I think I should've gotten a more proper goodbye. Maybe even a well-wish? I mean, 2 years with the place. C'mon...
It shouldn't feel like such a big stinkin' deal; but it is to me. This group of people took me into their lives, under their wings when I had a low chance of living. I was at the worst point in my life and these people still loved me, like my family. They were my family. We spent Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthdays, every other holiday together. They were there for me when my family physically couldn't be. They loved me when I felt so unloveable. They saved me from myself.
So, when someone says, "Yeah it's okay to be sad but this is a good thing" or "Sure it's sad but it's time to move on, you knew it would come at some point", I can't help but feel a little ticked off. If your family who brought you out of your "pit" and saved your life suddenly vanished and you couldn't contact them again because of "boundary" issues, wouldn't you be a little bit devestated?
I never imagined what my life would be like after leaving Canopy Cove. But I can tell you, the way it is now wasn't in the cards. I'm still really struggling, which is why it puzzles me why they didn't try to appeal again. I also never imagined the amazing things I would accomplish during my stay at Canopy Cove. I did things that scared me to death just 2 years ago. I'm driving on my own, living on my own, working, dating, going to school. Those are just a few of the major things I'm proud to say I did with Canopy Cove's help. Karen made a good point yesterday: Canopy Cove has been like my personal cheerleader. They have encouraged me to do my best, pushed me past the uncomfortable phases, and been there when I thought things would never improve. But we can all live without a cheerleader. Right?
I doubt whether I can do this on my own. And by this I mean life. Life is so difficult, and then try throwing in an eating disorder?! Geezum. I need to expect things to be hard, I guess. Expect flaws, expect lapses, expect imperfection. Because LIFE is imperfect. And I am grateful to have my life back now.
"Celebrate we will because life is short, but sweet for certain."
-DMB
You can do this Kelly!!! I so wish I was there physically to support you right now...but know that I'm here for you, always. You're an amazing person, and it's not a life to waste! I know how hard it is to leave CC...just remember you've got people outside to who want to be your cheerleaders too :) I have faith that you'll get through this hard time. Just remember, it's okay to feel your feelings, it's just what you do with them.
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<3 love you!
I agree with Carly...you have many, many cheerleaders! Even some who have never physically met you :) I. too, remember that pain of having to say goodbye. It really sucks, you're right. It's so, so hard to fathom living without the people who helped save your life. I miss Karen a lot, she was by biggest cheerleader at CC. I still think about her probably every day, but it gets less painful. Not that you start missing them less, I guess it's just acceptance...and also knowing that YOU were important to THEM too. Sometimes discharge feels so cut and dry; it reminds you that it's a "professional relationship." But trust me, you're in their hearts too. They'll miss you, like you'll miss them. The last thing Karen said to me before I left was, "See you again one day in Heaven!" Sounds semi-morbid at a glance haha, but she is 100% right. It's not really goodbye, which is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember that YOU'VE done the work all along. You got yourself to where you are now. YOU brought yourself back to life. Yes, they helped, but you did the work. You're still just as capable.
Hang in there. I am inspired by you. <3 you!
Thanks, ladies! Your words mean so much to me! Love you both! <3
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